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04/01/2011 03:15 AM

"where are you and mommy going today"

serenityandpain
serenityandpain  
Posts: 316
Member

I think I need some guidance. My head is not healed yet and I feel like he is still in it so I don't know if I am overreacting or even underreacting.

First, today my husband called in the morning to talk to my son (he has not done that in all of the six months we have been separated) to ask him where we were going today. I felt uncomfortable because its just really out of the ordinary. He doesn't even call to say goodnight and I have made it clear that I am ok and support that. But he ignored that and does not call ever unless my son calls him first.

I asked him back in december when he took an extended trip for christmas vacation with my son (his grandmother passed just before the holidays and he stayed a few days beyond his older sons holiday schedule) if I could plan for easter to fly home to my family. We both need each others permission to leave the state. He said he didn't know his plans for easter was his response then. I asked a few times if I could just plan on easter being mine and if he thought there would be any problems. He barely addressed what I was asking each time and wouldn't give answers that were definitive. Finally when money was just tight I stopped planning to fly home (he is withholding support).

Well my mom made some money with the business this month and said she really wanted to fly me home with my son. I asked him about my dates. Same crap as always, round about answer, starts talking about something he wants, says I am the one that wants to work the decree only through lawyers so this also has to go through lawyers. Went through my lawyer, took two weeks for him to agree to dates I put in an original email (that I wrote the wrong date but had the lawyer work it because its so exhausting trying to work with him). Finally two days ago I got my ok to go with a list of things I owe in return.

Basically, he oked the second email I sent with the short trip because I put the wrong date and he wants my weekend the day I get back to make up for time lost. Now ticket prices are 400 each person and his lawyer was informed of the trip I was planning and correct dates but he won't budge about the dates. I feel so controlled. I decided it was too much that made the trip not worth it. So now my mom will come here and I am so excited bec it has been 5 months since I saw her.

Anyway two friends and my sister posted on my fb sad faces and one said it was frustrating I can't come when its one of my only chances to. I am very private about the divorce there and I don't bad mouth him.he wasn't even mentioned but he sent me a text right away asking why I am telling people he won't let me go to ny. He even emailed a friend of mine who he spoke to once our whole marriage to tell her he agreed to the exact dates I asked for (LIE bec he knew I wanted even a third week because of mothers day and if it was so easy to agree to those dates why bring a lawyer in to make me wait until ticket prices are up to buy?). He started texting me (and he has already been warned not to harrass me by my lawyer) saying what a liar I am, how I want to be a victim so bad I will make sh** up, how he is so glad there are attorneys involved so at least others will know the truth, he gave me exactly what I asked for...

Well one email did ask for those dates but it was a mistake! And he knew from a previous email and he knew when my lawyer contacted his. I guess I felt so sick about it because it was taking me back to everyday life. Always afraid of making a mistake because that would prove I don't know what I am saying. What I want didn't really matter ever. It was never enough to say I want this or feel this way. If there was a small crack, a little mistake, a bit of vulnerability I was done for. I lived alone and lonely and he came between all my friends and humiliated me.

Unluckily for him this time, he emailed the friend that I have been confiding in about this very easter break issue from the beginning. She has seen what I asked my lawyer to send, what his lawyers response was, my email correspondence with him, and she was able to say I am not crazy.

And I am ashamed to say I did start feeling crazy. Had she not known all of it and said that to me I would have hung my head in pity for being so dumb for putting the wrong date in an old email. It made me realize how much work I still need to do. She got another email from him that was so manpulative, like he was trying to buddy up with her and make her feel sorry for him saying "well I guess I need to get used to having my name dragged through the mud eh?" Not realizing this is the girl that pushed me to report his assault to police as soon as I wanted to back out or started doubting myself.

I think his image is so important to him that is the only time he shows any emotion. I could be begging at his feet and he would kick me away as long as no one can see it.

I have made a lot of peace with what I expect from him and I don't feel angry over this. I just felt fear and a pull back into the abuse. I know little things, especially if I want them, will always be a stressful event.

I also expect to be called to an exparte soon when he realizes my grandma has left. He will start the assault on me as a mom as he promised to do before and after our separation. I can only hope that I am strong enough to stand up to it and truth does set me free.

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04/01/2011 05:52 AM
Juss2be
Juss2be  
Posts: 622
Member

You are doing everything right and I am so sorry that he is being such a douche I love that word cause it is what they are and they hate to be called it, I would have to deal with the same thing fighting over which days I could leave or even if I could! I thinks its a bunch of bs and go with that exparte cause he has already put the threat in.

04/01/2011 06:55 AM
twilli12
twilli12Posts: 277
Member

Wow what a jerk. You are one smart cookie and he is one dumb a$$. You are doing AWESOME!! Taking care of yourself and your beautiful son. It is a shame you have to ask him anything. Fathering a child should not give him the right to control you. He is just plain old mean and manipulative. I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I know I am going to go through the same crap when my husband finds out my attorney is asking for sole custody. He has never been a father to either of our children but now that his name is being spoke he has to pretend to be a dad. It is so not fair and we have to find a way to let go of the anxiousness and let go of their control. Serenity I am so sorry. Keep doing what you are doing because you are making huge progress in your walk to overcome his abusiveness!!!

04/01/2011 09:30 AM
serenityandpain
serenityandpain  
Posts: 316
Member

Yes that is what they are juss! The exparte is what HE will want I think. I already had to go to an exparte once with him because I felt really uncomfortable right after he assaulted me and I wanted visits supervised among other things. I felt I had no choice but to go to court because I was not sending my son without feeling safe and he wanted to call me a parental alienator for it. But I knew if I sent him cps was watching for failure to protect. They told me so.

Anyway now he is totally dad of the year. And yes twili I think he is being so malicious. Its weird how ready I feel to let go of being controlled yet how hard it is to see it for what it is. I guess it takes time to learn a new way of interracting.


04/01/2011 09:34 AM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 14598
Group Leader

You are NOT crazy! He is still very much an abuser and that's how abusers operate. Mine was the same way. If I made one little mistake, got one fact wrong, he would leap on it. It makes you petrified of doing anything. I've spoken a few times about having to make dinner reservations one night and the knot I had in my stomach up until the time we actually sat down to dinner. I was terrified that I might have said the wrong time, given the date, called the wrong restaurant, not spoken to the right person, etc. Something as simple as making a dinner reservation was like facing a firing squad to me.

Also, telling people what he does is not bad-mouthing him. It's simply reporting facts. If he's so worried about his precious image, then he should be treating you the same way when no one is looking as he does when everyone is. I am happy your mother is coming. I hope you have a wonderful time together!


04/01/2011 11:09 AM
behindthemask

This sounds so familiar... my mom bought a ticket for me to come down in May (just me) and she left it up to me to decide. Well I was waiting for the "right time" to discuss it with my husband... I never found it so I told my mom to get the ticket, I would figure out a way to tell him and find a way to the airport (I didn't think he would take me - he thinks I'll go and not come back). Anyways - I told him 2 days ago about it and he flipped and said I had to cancel it bc we are trying to get our family thru a rough time... blah blah - so, being used to this behavior, I called her and cancelled. She is so mad at him - she knows he controls me. Shoot I can never make "plans" like you said Meg, for our family - i never know wat mood he will be in so we have to do what he wants to keep peace.

It's great that your mom is coming down - my family won't come here bc they can't stand him. He has been angry with them over wanting to eat somewhere he didn't want to and felt "left out" of the decision - jeez.

That was part of the ticket thing - he said he should have been invited too. Shouldn't I be able to see my mom whenever I want??? I do know him and I should have brought it up to him before telling her to buy it, I know better by now. But that's part of the abuse, the fear, bc I KNEW he would automatically say no, unless it is HIS idea and he gets credit for it.

Hang tough - remember the rough times and if you can get thru this I think you will be fine...

It's hard. I know. Enjoy your mom - I cried all night after telling her, and she doesn't even want to talk to my husband now she is so mad. It makes me so sad. Someday- my ship will come in... I know it... Smile

HUGS to all


04/01/2011 11:15 AM
serenityandpain
serenityandpain  
Posts: 316
Member

Thanks meg, I held my breath reading that and let out a big sigh of relief. I feel overhwelmed with relief from hearing from you all. Your words can cut through more doubt than you know. I think that is why he has tried so hard to isolate me. Thank you guys. The update is my lawyer said to continue to ignore any texts that don't deal directly with my son. and she is going to contact his lawyer about my decision not to take the trip at this point.

04/01/2011 11:19 AM
serenityandpain
serenityandpain  
Posts: 316
Member

Wow behindthemask, I so know that pain. Planning trips home when we lived together was a nightmare and my mom has lost money too and been very frustrated. You can leave and not come back. I wish I would have done that but I was so afraid then. His first wife did that to divorce in her home state.

04/01/2011 11:21 AM
Izzy87
Izzy87  
Posts: 2731
VIP Member

I think, especially when we've been with abusers for a while, we have a certain amount of "muscle memory" and the way we've been accustomed to dealing with them is automatic. It takes a long time to overcome that...I am nervous of it myself when my abuser gets back. I'll need to keep a list of the things he's done in my pocket to glance at if I feel myself getting swayed...

I think it's absolutely rotten of him to ask your son that. He's keeping tabs on you, like Juss's abuser was doing recently, and reminding you that he is still there. Jerk...


04/01/2011 11:54 AM
Juss2be
Juss2be  
Posts: 622
Member

I went to Texas with my family bc my grandmama had lung cancer and we wanted to spend thanksgiving there well he was living at his parents at the time and totally flipped out so I told him to shove it. Well I am still hearing to this day that I keep him away from his daughter on holidays yeah well he didn't ask for her last thanksgiving, and when I went to Texas it was when the first twilight came out me and my daughter at the age of 2 went to see she was so excited she a team Edward lol
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