My husband just called me from the gas station here in town, the first thing he said was "your not going to call the police are you?" I said no. I was shocked that he was calling me. He asked how everyone is. I said fine. Then he said "What is this? What's this about these charges?" "Don't we have enough problems?" I told him he knows what they are about. He says why do I have to go to one extreme to the next? I told him he abused us, it's the truth.
He says yeah, yeah, okay, I'm not saying nothing. He says "Listen, are you going to put some money in my account?" I said "No!" He says "Well if you want to keep the van you have to put the van payment in my account, or else they will come and repo it." I told him I'm not putting the whole payment in there, if I put any."
He says he didn't say the whole payment. He also wants me to advertise the puppies online for him. I told him he can do that himself. He says he doesn't have a computer. I said the library does. He says he doesn't know how to do it. I said well you shouldn't have abused your family then these things would be done for you wouldn't they?
By the way he won't be giving me any of the money from the sales of these pups but he wants me to do the work of putting them on a web site to sell them for him. He just needs my help all the time.
I told him he needs to be off the farm at a given time so I can pick up the soccer equipment, hockey equipment and my daughter's dollhouse. He says why does he have to be off the farm? I said because it's against my protection order for you to be there! He says "How would any one know, you can see if someone is coming there two miles away." He says bring the kids so I can see them. I said "No, you don't deserve to see the kids, and it will mess them up and they would tell their therapist that they saw you."
He says they know not to say they saw daddy. They knew that before. I told him that they don't know that he was charged and that the police are involved. I have spared the little kids these details and I intend to keep it that way. He thinks I'm going to do things regardless of the order. I've only had this order for a few days, it was very hard to get the judge to grant it to me as it was. He thinks this is all for nothing, and that this wasn't necessary at all.
He's in denial of what he does!! I can't afford to be in denial anymore. What if he choked me and I ended up like his former wife this time, the kids would have a mother in a wheel-chair, or in a grave? No. I told him that I want him off the farm and that I will be going there with my oldest sons, all three of them. And they all have cell phones, and are going to call if he is there at a given time.
I ended the call, because my 9 year old was gone with my 20 year old to the video store to rent a movie and it's just across the street from where dear old dad is talking on the pay phone!!! They didn't say anything when they got back so I didn't say anything either. The FN door was unlocked again, they never lock my doors!!!
I'm not afraid of him, I know you all say I should be, but I haven't been afraid of him the last two years. I was for eight years, then I turned mad, and full of anger, and that anger keeps me maybe in denial that he is capable of killing me, but this anger also keeps me strong, so I have to keep my anger. When I don't feel angry I get very sad.
I'm in horrible pain today and was all last night, my spine is giving me trouble again, from him throwing me down so many times. I have to go get some pain medication. So I'm really not in "Fight mode" today and feel so worn down. It so much work for me to care for my five kids in the house, and now him calling me has just made me so tired again. I was so sticking to the willpower of not calling him. I thought it was one of my sons on the pay phone, didn't expect it to be him. The first minute I didn't even hear that it was him. Then my eyes popped out of my head.
I know you all will say phone the police. But I won't. He was all about the van payment and business stuff with the dogs, he did ask about the kids and I told him they are great, they are with their mother and I'am capable of watching them. He said he didn't say that I wasn't. Yeah not right now he didn't.
He wants me to call him later. I'm not calling him. I made a pack with myself and I've been getting proud of my willpower not to call him. So I'm not calling him.
Shelley, you need to report this call to the police. He is playing you for a fool. He knew you wouldn't report him before he called or he wouldn't have risked it. It doesn't matter what you talked about. He is using the van payment and the puppies as an excuse to contact you. What will it be next time?? Dishwasher needs unloading? He can't match his own socks? He does not NEED your help all the time. He is a grown man. He is capable of paying his own bills, working a computer, fixing his meals and cleaning up after himself. How do you know he didn't record that call and is planning to play it for the judge to show that you yourself broke the restraining order and that you had agreed not to report him?
Will you tell your therapist about this phone call?
Shelley,You said "I'm not afraid of him."You sound just like I did right before my abuser attacked me with a baseball bat and tried to murder me.I didn't want to believe how dangerous he was.I was so wrong.This CAN happen to you.
He physically attacked you.He demeans and degrades you.He abuses your children.He thumbs his nose at the law and at you.He stalks you and disrespects you at every turn.
Yeah........you need to report this violation of the restraining order ASAP.Do not think for one instant that he would not use this contact with you against you given the opportunity.This call from a pay phone was not about money.It was about disrespecting you and giving the finger to your restraining order.
If you do not report this he wins.He is controlling you yet again.
You CAN do what it takes to protect yourself.Please do it before it is to late.
Let's examine this phone call from his perspective and what he found out with it.
He found out that he is NOT getting any more money from you and he is not going to be allowed to see the kids. However, he also found out that you will not report him for violating the restraining order and with that knowledge, he is comfortable suggesting more ways the two of you can violate the order for his benefit. If you think you've heard the last of him, you are so wrong.
Also, as you said, the judge barely granted you the restraining order this time. If word gets out to law enforcement or the legal community that he violated it and you did not report it, God help you if you ever need them to come because of an emergency. I know that doesn't sound right, but it happened to my sister's neighbor. She had an axe to grind with my sister so she kept filing reports on her with CPS. The first couple of times, CPS took them very seriously and sent an investigator out each time and opened a case file. After they discovered that the charges were baseless, they began to feel like their time was being wasted and they had more important things to do so they wouldn't even send someone out to investigate.
Shelley Ditto Ditto Ditto. Meg and Lanna are right!! Everything they said is what I just said to you on the phone. You have to call him out on this. You have to stand your ground. If you give in Shelley it is the start of his manipulations all over again. You have to stand up for Shelley, for "L", for "M", for "P", for "B", and for "S"! Put a stop to this today. Right now! Don't let him get away with this. It will just be the beginning if you do! Shelley most importantly you have to do this for your life, for your self worth, and for you future! You can do this Shelley I know you can.I love you to the moon and back my sweet friend! Make the call!!!!
Shelley the more I think about it the angrier I get!!! He has the nerve to call andf ask you for money when he is home sitting on his ass taking care of no one but himself!! Are you @#$%!^& kidding me!! We figured it up. He has enough money to pay all the bills and still have 600$ for food for 1 lousdy person. He has the money. He is using the van to manipulate you into supporting HIM!!! When you are supporting yourself and 3 children by him. What a joke!! Don't fall for it. The van will not be repo'd. If it is then you will get help to find another vehicle. He is such a looser and HE WILL NOT MANIPULATE YOU ANYMORE!!! You stopped his abuse to you and the kids when you filed this restraining order. Let it ride and let him pay the price for his own choices!!!
I get what your all saying, it's just so hard for me to be this way. I have a heart of gold and I don't say that to sound prissy or anything, my proffessor at college told me I won't last a year in the nursing field, because I care too much about people and take it home with me. If I report this, his ass goes to jail. and what happens to me? I know what happens to me because I've done this before. I fall apart. I cry and feel like I killed someone, that's how bad I feel. Knowing that he's at the farm and safe and sound is the only thing that keeps me from running to his aid as I have time and time again. I have a year to get to that point, and I need a year of therapy to get to that point. I say a year because the charges won't get to trial the way things go here, for an entire year. By then I hope to be strong enough to testify for my son "M" which I'm sure they will supeanoa me for, and to testify for my five year old, and then myself. They may even open up the 21 charges I dropped before, and then I really need to have my heart disconnected from him.
I'm just not at the point to put him in jail. But I will if he keeps calling me. I'm worried about what Meg said, that he could have taped that call for his benefit. I don't think so though. He wouldn't want anyone to know that he called me. I won't call him. I've been sticking to that, and it's been so hard for me to do that. He wants me to call him tonight, but I'm not. If he calls me again I'm going to tell him that he can't be doing that and that if he does I will report him then. I'm going to check his account online and see why he doesn't have this van payment as he claims.
I might change my mind guys, but right now I'm just stuck on not doing more than I have already done, it tore me apart to go to the police. I cried like a baby there the whole time, my image of being strong went right out the window, and I was video taped being a mess. I don't know why I can't throw him under the bus, I'm just not there yet. I will talk to my therapist about this, if she can keep it confidential.
I'm not going to answer the phone anymore. I think that would be best now that I think of it, only the numbers that I know who it is. I should have known better about the pay phone when it said pay phone, but I thought it was one of my sons, who just left for work a few minutes before that. I was really caught off guard. I still feel that way.
Shelley my stomach dropped just seeing the title...
I am having a hard time with this too, but you have WAY more incentive and raeson to protect yourself than I do!!! I am struggling with this idea in my head that it's something I am "doing to him" but it's NOT Shelley...it's not you putting him in jail. You've been numb to the danger because you have been around it all your life...but it doesn't mean he isn't dangerous! This man is scary bad.
Feelings go away. Once your life is gone, that's it.
I am not a doctor or therapist, just a person who cares.
"If you give in Shelley it is the start of his manipulations all over again."
Twilli is right. He's got nothing to do but sit around all day without anyone to manipulate and control. If you think you're having a tough time, imagine what it's like for an abuser not to have someone to abuse. Of course he's going to try to rope you back in and if he can get law enforcement not to take you seriously anymore, that's all the better. Then he'll have carte blanche to treat you and the kids any way he wants.
"Sometimes there is a very blurry line between feeling and expressing compassion, and enabling someone. Showing compassion is giving someone space and understanding so they can work through their predicament whilst remaining at a healthy emotional distance. This healthy emotional distance can be hard to judge in close knit relationships such as marriage and families. For should one fall over the edge of compassion and into the field of pity, neither party will benefit. Pity serves no one in relation to creating the desired changes within relationships of any kind.Somewhere in between the blurry lines of compassion and pity lies the process labeled as enabling. Enabling is an overdose of compassion. When compassion distorts into pity, the individual is assisted in continuing with behavioral traits that clearly do not serve either party with regards to emotional, mental and psychical health.
People become enabled to continue their damaging behavioral traits via beloved others wearing the mask of compassion. The beloved other becomes drawn into the vacuum of the sufferer's reality. Unknowingly, they begin to slip into pity, whilst believing that they are still expressing compassion. Once a person becomes drawn into the illusion of the other person's reality they begin to make excuses for themselves as a means of justifying the abuse they are committing. They are enabling the sufferer, therefore abusing the sufferer, whilst they wear the mask of compassion. For anyone who is assisting the abuser, via allowing the abuser to continue on their discourse without obstruction, using (false) compassion (pity) as a reason, is ultimately abusing and damaging the abuser even more. And they are also damaging themselves.
Now this sounds all good and fine in theory from the clear perspective of the unattached observer, but what of the person in the eye of the tornado. What of the mother whose daughter is severely addicted to drugs? And what of the husband who must cope with the severe depression of his wife?
Compassion and pity become extremely difficult to distinguish in such circumstances. One's own belief systems become strained and one starts to question the integrity of their own reality. Little by little people begin to compromise themselves in order to compensate for the others distorted behavioral traits. This is pity and pity is abuse. These self compromises come from one's own false belief that they alone are responsible for ensuring that the abuser is healed. They take the false responsibility on board based on ethics and morals they have adopted from society or other people, meanwhile their intuition, (their inner truth) screams at them telling them that this does not feel right.
When one indulges another's reality long enough via pity, one cannot help become exposed to deteriorating emotional and psychological states. This is the clearest sign that you have been enabling someone. If you are showing someone genuine compassion then your psychological and emotion health will not be affected.
When you find yourself constantly dwelling over another's situation as well as altering your psychological and emotional states to compensate for another's predicament, then you are enabling someone. This for most people is too harsh a reality to admit, especially when the person is very close to you. Usually one's entire belief system is based on giving love and helping another, yet when love and compassion distort into pity and enabling, we are simply forgetting to love ourselves first, and in doing so, we hurt the other instead.
On the surface this may sound selfish, yet the underlying truth is that we cannot help another, unless we love ourselves correctly first. Another harsh reality is that you are responsible for no one but yourself. Compassion allows someone the opportunity to realize this even in the mist of immense suffering. Pity enables another to disperse responsibility away from themselves and onto another, which helps and heals no one.
There are no definitive guidelines to judge whether you are expressing compassion or enabling someone. But perhaps the question you could ask yourself is; if I continue to live with my present emotional and mental states, will this affect my overall health in the future? If you can honestly answer ‘no', then you are expressing compassion. If you can't honestly say ‘no', then perhaps you need to step back a touch and love yourself more, and then you will have a clearer perspective in regards to the other, and what the other really requires."
Disclaimer: The information provided in MDJunction is not a replacement for medical diagnosis, treatment, or professional medical advice.
In case of EMERGENCY call 911 or 1.800.273.TALK (8255) to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Read more.