Emotional Abuse Support Group

Every single day is another day I fight with myself not to call my husband. Each hour I fight with myself not to pick up that phone and call him, to make sure he's okay. It's like when people stop smoking and they have this horrible craving that they have to fight, so I hear I never smoked. But he is like a drug to me, and this is so hard not to call him.

I do know if I did call him that would tell him that he can break his conditions and stay in contact with me, daily again. He has been a part of my life for ten years and through four babies, this is so dame hard.

You often wonder if he's okay. What are you worried about? That he will be starving? That he will be angry at you? He's a grown man who can take care of himself. Considering that he did every little thing for you, I'm confused about your concern for his welfare. What scenarios are you envisioning when you think of him?

Shelley, I understand what you are saying. Even with everything I have been through with my husband I still care about what happens to him. I don't love him, but he is still human and it kills me to think about hurting another person. I know, he didn't care about my feelings for 15 years, but he wasn't mean 100% of the time.

We were emailing last night about his upcoming court dates and some other stuff. He was uspset because the domestic violence enhancer on his other charges could cause him to lose his job, possible go to jail, and never be able to own a gun again. First of all, I told him I don't think he should have any guns, regardless. I told him that I know having guns for hunting is important to him as is his beer brewing (and drinking) but I don't want those things to be a part of my life any longer. I finally told him that I don't think he and I are good for each other. I told him that I no longer want to work on the relationship and I have no desire to change.After I pushed send, I sat here and cried, knowing that this would probably tear him apart. He hasn't really responded to that email, but he did text me about his 30 second disposition hearing this morning.

I know he can take care of himself. I just can't stand the thought of hurting him.

Post edited by: mountainluv, at: 03/29/2011 05:57 PM

Mountainluv, Shelley, this is nothing you are doing to them. You didn't have a device implanted in their arms and pushed the buttons to have them hit you...it was a CHOICE they made to hurt you, and these are THEIR consequences. When your children misbehave and you enforce consequences, are you hurting them? These guys are adults. I tell my daughter I teach her boundaries now, because when adults don't learn them, the consequence is jail. And it SHOULD BE THAT WAY. Would you be concerned about them if they were your daughters' husbands? Would you see them as "hurting"?

It doesn't mean we have to wish pain and misfortune upon them...they are still human. But they are as capable as any one of us; they know the law. They know right from wrong. They made their choices! This is not cruel and unusual punishment.

You are showing extraordinary strength, Shelley. It will get easier as time goes by.

Post edited by: Izzy87, at: 03/29/2011 06:16 PM

Amen, Izzy! Everything you said is true! They do not need any more enabling. Mountainluv, you said it kills you to think about hurting another person. What if a guy jumped out at you from an alley and began attacking you physically? I am sure you would try to fight him off. I am sure you would do everything you could to protect yourself and you wouldn't care a bit if he got hurt. This is no different. Abuse is abuse. They got themselves into their own messes and they each have had thousands of chances to avoid this.

When I told my ex I wanted a divorce, he cried and begged me to give him another chance. I told him I was all out of chances. I'd already given him hundreds. Maybe he didn't realize it, but every morning that I woke up bruised and hurting and DIDN'T LEAVE was another chance. Every time I begged him to get counseling only to have him laugh it off was another chance. Every time he promised me he would change and things would be different and I believed him was another chance. Every time he looked at the destruction he caused around him or the bruises on my arms and I forgave him was another chance. So yeah, he had hundreds of chances. It's not my fault that he failed to do anything about them other than to skip off thinking he'd gotten away with something once again.

Thank-you Izzy and Meg, I really needed this today/tonight. I'm going to put your replies in my favorites to save and read again and again when I have this feeling. I know he did all the things in the house for me, right down to cutting my meat and serving me supper. It's so hard for me to now do all these things for myself. I can do it for the kids but to do it for myself I feel so depressed. Getting my own food makes me depressed.

What I'am use to is him telling me what is going on, what we are going to do, what "he" needs me to buy for him. The kids and I were his whole life here in this province. His whole family is in another province, a four day drive away. So I guess I'm use to him telling me we are out of coffee, or the dogs need food. Crap, I'm also so worried about my seven dogs, and a new litter of puppies. I breed Newfoundlands, I have a kennel name, people from all over Canada come to purchase my puppies. Now I left them all behind too. I don't know if he has money to feed all my dogs. I don't know what's going on at the farm, see all this stuff he would tell me, dump all his problems on me and it was my job to make everything okay for him. I'd be the one to make sure everyone has everything they need right down to the litter in the litter box.

It's like he needed me, like my therapist says, who needs who here. He needs me to make sure everything runs smoothly, rent is paid, he has enough money, or he would make me pay for what he can't including all the groceries, all the supplies, all the kid's clothes, his clothes, dog food, cat food, bird food etc. etc. I was the one that made sure he had food, he was the one who cooked it and cut it up for me. I was the shopper, of things he would like to eat. In that way I took care of him.

But he took my role away in the house, he took care of the kitchen duties, the child care, did all the laundry etc. etc. I would tell him this and he would say, well jump right in, but he would be running around the house doing it all, so I gave up. Stayed on the couch all day, as he checked in with me for five minutes here and there, telling me what he's doing outside, what I need to buy, what we are out of. That was our day, day in and day out.

you all are right. I guess sometimes I think if he would have been physically abusive it would be easier to do this. I do know that when he was calling me the C word, ice cold B...., telling me that I was a bad wife, he would rather be dead than married to me, etc, he didn't care at all that he was hurting my feelings.

That's right mountainluv, even though my husband did get physically abusive, he would never admit to it the next day, it was always ME who attacked him and he defended himself, so it was so much crazy making stuff, he would never call me names like your husband, but it's all under the heading abuse isn't it? In my case if he would call me names it would be easier to identify the emotional abuse, but he never did that instead he would say cruel things about me as a mother, and remain calm and make me so upset that I wanted to kill him, then he would stand back and say SEE, YOUR THE ABUSIVE ONE.

Other times he would lecture and go into a rage if I wasn't going to give him money, or if he was mad at one of the kids and I would be sticking up for that child.

Heaven forbid if one of the kids got him up at night when he didn't want to get up. RAGE, was the usual tactic then.

mountainluv, that's what always stopped me short of doing anything to take action or figure out what was really happening...every time I wondered why do I feel abused? I'd say to myself, well, he hasn't hit me. Ok, so it's NOT abuse. It must really be me!

Shelley and mountainluv I feel so much relief knowing I am not alone feeling like I do. But thank god izzy and meg you make so muxh sense. Yes I would fight off a masked attacker, yes I would make sure my children know consequences to help them grow. Its so hard to accept that the person I invested so much of my life in is not who I thought he was. I still feel worried about how he is dealing not just because I'm afraid he will drink again and that will affect my sons but also because I just care about others. Caring and loving him has been his greatest weapon against me and he has exploited it every time and that's a chance I can't take anymore no matter how it kills me. I do it like you shelley, just get through the moment, don't text, don't email, let it pass but still at 6 months I still fight loneliness some nights and I do think about how his choices are going to affect his life and I still am embarassed to say worry about his feelings when I need to make custody decisions that affect my son and his safety. I think reminding myself of everything I am protecting him from helps me make the right decisions knowing my husband will never appreciate that in me as a mom.