Emotional Abuse Support Group

AutumnDreams,It is not probably feasible to wear a bullet proof vest.But if you feel in danger I do suggest that you purchase a firearm and learn how to use it properly.Take a class on how to use it and store it safely.The laws vary from place to place.But you will probably need a permit to carry a concealed weapon.Some other choices may be a stun gun,taser or pepper spray or mace.Check on what the laws are where you live and make sure you know how to use and store these things properly.Contact your local domestic violence program for help.

Lanna

Lanna, I am a huge Gavin de Becker fan. I bought the gift of fear for a friend who wasn't interested and read it cover to cover……Then almost a decade later, when I'd found this site, I again picked it up to quote something to someone else and kept reading parts of it again and again. As you know from A Gift of Fear, this book was a very personal mission for him. Am going to take the Mosaic Test, asap……wow. You've done us all a very good service by calling this to our attention……

SomewhereinCalifornia,I too am a fan of Gavin de Becker.God bless him for making this valuable resource available for free to abuse victims.I wrote him a thank you e-mail recently.We need more experts studying domestic violence so that survivors and victims can be helped.

Lanna

Post edited by: Lanna, at: 02/20/2012 04:06 PM

I just took this test and got a 7. It's surreal to me. Could he actually hurt me? It's been close sometimes but not really happened. I think he could but he couldn't. I live somewhat in fear of it though. Having recently left and doing no contact. I'm scared. He plays strong and says he'll be fine and no worries but other times he says he can't live without me and I'm all he has. I never thought I'd be here. What a scary reality!

Nicole, Abusers often succeed in gaining control over us by lulling is into a false sense of security for just long enough that we don't fully realize just how dangerous s/he really is. Please take this very seriously.

No Contact is definitely a good idea for you right now. Do NOT respond to any of his messages no matter what! If he makes suicide threats (or hints at it even), call the police. This is a common tactic that abusers use to try to make us feel responsible for their well-being and is almost certainly just a tactic and nothing more. Calling the police might just give him the idea that it won't work on you. If he's genuinely thinking of harming himself, the police are a good idea anyway.

If he harrasses you, keep a record of it! Mark times, dates, save messages, etc. You might need them for a restraining order later.

Have you read Why Does He Do That by Bancroft? If not, try to get a hold of it as soon as you can. It can help you greatly during this time (and help you identify tactics ahead of time to prepare for.)

A lot of times, relationships look different from the inside. We become so used to the abuse that we don't see the dangers in it. I was in a very abusive marriage and my abuser was violent toward me, but I never thought he'd really try to hurt me. I figured he just gave me a black eye and some bruises here and there, nothing major like broken bones.

Well, after I kicked him out and began going through everything in preparation to move, I found weapon after weapon hidden in our apartment. Additionally, one of my neighbors came to me one day and nervously told me how frightened of him she was and that her husband, who traveled a lot for his job, even bought her a gun for her protection against my abuser should she ever need it! I was absolutely FLOORED! Other people saw the danger in him, but I didn't.

nicole11,You asked"Could he really hurt me?"The answer is a definitive "Yes."Abused women are injured and killed everyday.Most of them never saw it coming until it was to late.Click on "General & Support" there you will find suggestions for making a safety plan with a black push pin it.Make a plan and maintain no contact.If he is uncooperative go to court and get a restraining order.

Lanna

My abuser pushed me just a couple of times, then he slap me just on time out of rage when he was frustrated bec of directions to the restaurant......and I had heard that it would get worst which verbally and the re occurences were scalating.....all of a sudden we were talking to solve why he had spent the night on the sofa.....and he told me..."...if you dont get off me, I will hit you!!..."....I was perplexed...first I was not on top of him, I was seating on the edge of the sofa....I stood up and moved away from the room.....I could not believe my eyes my ears...it was subreal....at that point I already was getting out mentally...yet I was still trying to make the relationship work......and remember it clearly reassured me that my having started getting out of the relationship mentally was a very assertive choice......it was sad....and it was unreal....what I heard coming out of his mouth....was something I never thought would have come out from him....yes, they are capable of flipping and saying and doing things that can hurt their victims and kill them too!!!...it is very scary and subreal....read, read, and read...get involved in support groups....counseling....so you get your questions answers and get the true picture of your abuser...it is painful and in the process you rescue your self and makes you a stronger person....it takes a lot of patience as time is the key of the healing process....I get frustrated...bec I expect it to work like when I am sick...I take my medication....I should feel better in a week or month or some rather brief period....but no....I believe I read somewhere that it takes about 2 years or so to get back on my feet....so I am ready to invest completely 2 years on my self.....

When I was dating an abusive guy, he was admittedly scrawny and seemed pretty harmless. In a weird way I think I often went after smaller men because I felt subconsciously like if I was physically stronger than I would be protected. He had never lifted his hand in anger towards me, not once. Finally one day when I confronted him about cheating on me he actually DID attempt to get physical with me. He tried to block the door and not allow me to leave, tried to grab my arm to get me to stay.. thank goodness I really was much stronger than him physically (he seemed surprised by this) and I was able to leave anyway. I was still shocked though... we had been dating for nearly 3 years and I had NEVER thought he would get physical with me. I know this was mild, but it was a real eye-opener for me that he had that capacity and desire to literally control my actions. Of course, this was sparked by me actually asserting myself and calling him out on his unacceptable behavior (whereas in the past I had just let it go to avoid conflict). When I didn't just let it go, when I wasn't a "good docile little victim"? That's when the true colors came out.

There is ALWAYS that possibility in an abusive relationship, but in your situation there are clearly some pretty big red flags to pay attention to.

QUESTION- I'm planning - working on- leaving my EA , but what do you do when you have kids together. There has to be contact.