Emotional Abuse Support Group

Sorry if this is long, but I need to give some background.

My husband threw me out of the bedroom almost three weeks ago after a intense rage over something ridiculous. He then gave me the silent treatment and would only tell me he wants to separate. I tried to talk to him a few times and he just threw nasty comments my way. A few days ago friends started emailing me saying they heard through the grapevine we’re splitting and are sorry. I sent my husband a text asking him to not tell everyone our business and he replied, "I'm telling everyone." Nice, huh? So, yesterday I pulled mine and my son's cell phones out of his account and into my own, thus beginning the steps toward separate lives. Fortunately, I work and have a career so am not financially dependent upon my abuser.

Last night I was sleeping in the spare bedroom and he tried to barge in. Luckily I had the door locked so he started knocking. My dogs were barking and I was half asleep so I opened the door. He angrily asked, "Are you ever going to talk to me?" I set my boundaries and told him I was sleeping, so not now. He then asked if we can talk tomorrow night (tonight) and I said yes. He had an angry air about him.

I am terrified. I have no idea what he's going to pull out of his sleeve tonight. Is he going to rage because he's losing control over me? Is he going to try and be nice (an asset I think he lost long ago) and win me back? Or does he want to talk about how we're going to split things? I am so scared.

Does anyone have any thoughts/advice?

Cyan. Really difficult. If you are definitely going to split then I'd think of how to go about this in the safest way possible. If it means putting on an act, then put the act on but be 100% certain at all times that it is an act otherwise you might get sucked back in.

He is behaving appallingly and it's ridiculous that he expects you to cow-tow to him now that he has decided to talk!! But no surprise to any of us!!

If you know when you want to leave/separate, then maybe figure out how to do that amicably so you are as safe as possible.

What I did (don't know if it helps) was to say I needed space to think things through and for us to work things out. Then I stayed 'friendly but upset about everything'. My husband was trying to use my childhood issues to get me to take the blame for everything wrong with our marriage. I used this to my advantage, saying I needed time to myself to work these issues out.

Once he had moved out, got a flat, got everything out of my house and I had sorted out the finances I confronted him with my new-found knowledge that the problem in our marriage was his abuse and that he was an abuser. I gave him a copy of the Bancroft book.

This is how I did it as safely as possible, maybe you need to quickly come up with your plan to do it as safely as possible before tonight. Hopefully others will have other suggestions that may help too.

(((hugs)))

Maybe you could talk in a public place so things don't get violent?

Sounds forboding...

I wish you all the best.

pinkreadingcat -- That's brilliant and thank you! My husband too has tried to use my childhood junk as blame for problems in our marriage. I can go with that, saying I need to work on things and must do it separately. It's not a total lie: I need to work on my safety and freedom, but he doesn't need to know that.

I still fear he'll rage or use fear and intimidation to manipulate me. I am not going back and any amount of charm won't work. I am so tired of living in fear.

Thank you...

behindthemask -- good idea. Not sure I can arrange it but will try. Maybe we can go out to dinner, but the thought of sitting through a meal with my abuser is disgusting. Plus, he might get the wrong idea, that I'm going on a "date" with him. I'll see if I can arrange a public meeting though. Thank you.

Maybe just coffee? Let us know how it goes, I wish I knew how to "peacefully separate" from my SO but I just don't see any way right now -

My day may come.

Don't have the kids around and if you are uncomfortable going out to a public place, invite someone to be with you ... maybe your mother or your best friend. You don't have to do anything you are uncomfortable with. At the first sign of anger, you can leave. Maybe you should even have somewhere to spend the night already in mind.

Cyan, I second the idea of going somewhere public... you'd be amazed at how desperate abusers can get when you start standing up for yourself. Sometimes downright violent. Coffee maybe, or maybe a busy park where there will be some bystanders would help him maintain his cool (or at least provide witnesses should he lash out in some insane way)

I love the idea of saying "I need time to work things out". This is more or less what I did with my father actually, because I knew that blaming him or bringing up his issues was only going to enrage him and not accomplish anything since he denies everything.

A "peaceful separation" would be ideal of course, but be ready for everything. He might not allow it to be peaceful or amicable in any way no matter how much you try. Just be ready, and hope for the best.

Meg1129: Well, I really want my fifteen-year-old son around in case things escalate. He knows to call 911 if he ever thinks my husband is hurting me. (How sad I have to tell him that.) All of my family is out of state and I live quite rural (work urban though) so having a friend over would be suspect. I will definitely leave at first sign of anger. I'm going to put clothes for me and my son in the locked trunk of my car.

Schefflera: I'll try to make it a public place. Unfortunately we are still living together. Yes - I need time to work things out. Perfect.

So tired of living in fear.

Thank you everyone. I love you all! (My new thing is to tell my friends and family I love them. My mother has never, ever told me she loves me and I am breaking the cycle.)

Post edited by: cyan, at: 02/28/2011 01:35 PM

Cyan,If you are not able to go somewhere public to talk try to set up a safety net for yourself.Have a friend,co-worker or relative call you at a certain time and prearrange a code word for them to call for help for you or give you an excuse to leave.Be careful.And bear in mind that just because HE wants to talk does NOT mean you have to do it.

Lanna

Post edited by: Lanna, at: 02/28/2011 01:37 PM