Emotional Abuse Support Group

Ok, I just had it confirmed by a third therapist--I'm married to an abuser. I know it sounds silly I would need so much confirmation, but my sneaky, clever husband has a more insidious, manipulative kind of abuse that's harder to detect than average. And I think he still has a lot of control over my mind. I hate more than anything to get him upset at me.

But I'm going to do this. I'm going to move out in the next six weeks (or I'll have to sign another lease with him) no matter how scary or painful this is. It's scary because he can get emotionally unstable.

He's cries like a child, or goes flying off the handle all at once out of nowhere, has made suicide attempts and tells me I'm all he has to live for (even though he hates pretty much every move I make). I have a support group and several concerned therapists I talk to sporadically. It's going to get ugly. I just want as much support as I can get. I appreciate everyone on this board so much! Thankyou everyone..It has really helped me to be here. Wish me luck

I wish you all the luck in the world and Im really proud of you for taking the step

towards freedom from abuse.Wish I could do the same thing right now(maybe soon)hugs

Wanda

You are right, it is going to get ugly. Once their victims leave them, a lot of abusers realize just how alone they really are. Most of them have few to no friends and spend a large amount of time playing head games with their victims. Once their victims are gone, it's hard for even them to escape how pathetic their lives really are. Usually, they will either turn to stalking you or take up with a new victim right away.

I am glad you feel confident in your decision to leave and that you have a support system already in place.

ALL power to you!

Good for you Goldie! My x used to pull the crying suicide thing too. It IS pathetic. Just remember that YOU are NOT responsible for his actions or reactions. He is. Don't let him keep you hostage by trying to make you responsible for his very life. You are only responsible for yours. You go girl!

safety plan

safety plan

safety plan

We are rooting for you.

Hugs

Nothing easy is worth fighting for... It will be a tough and painful road ahead, but the reward will be your LIFE back!

I agree with freetofly, you definitely need to get a safety plan in place.

Remember that your abuser will use all sorts of techniques to try to control you (and will appeal to your compassionate side more than likely but will turn to an uglier side on a dime). Abusers will do truly insane things to not lose their control including threaten your safety even when they say you're what matters most in the world.

You mentioned him crying like a child... keep in the back of your mind just how pathetic it is and don't give in to feeling sorry for him! I remember when I finally broke it off with my abusive boyfriend he literally curled up in the fetal position on the floor and wailed for a good 20 minutes! I just sat there stoically, and while part of me was sad (I never liked seeing him cry no matter what a jerk he was to me), most of me was in a state of shock that really helped me not to give in to his pleas. By the next day he was sending me messages telling me how horrible I was being to him and what a horrible girlfriend I was (nevermind the fact that he was an abusive a-hole that cheated on me 3 times that I know of!)

In any case, no matter how he reacts, we're all here cheering you on! If I were you I would get a timeline drawn up for all the things you need to do between now and then and help keep yourself on a schedule... you definitely don't want to have to stress out at the last minute. However, if you are in physical danger, all you should have on your mind is getting OUT and FAST! Documents can be replaced, clothes can be re-purchased... just take care of YOU!

Also, save all texts, e-mails and any threatening voice mails from now on. If you need to get a restraining order or an order of protection, these will definitely come in handy as evidence. Print them out and keep a file of them away from your house.

We are all here for you and praying for things to go as well as possible. Big hugs.

Goldie,Make sure you do not tell him that you plan to leave.The most dangerous time for an abused woman is when she leaves.Abusers put up all sorts of roadblocks if they know you are going.Make sure you take the mosaic threat accessment test and have a safety plan in place.Be careful.

HUGS.Lanna

Gavin de Becker is an international security expert.He is also the author of the best selling book "The Gift Of Fear."He has worked on the presidential advisory board of the U.S.Department of Justice.

He has created a new test called the "Mosaic Threat Accessment Test".The test is free and secure by logging onto his web site at www.mosaicmethod.com. The test consists of a series of 48 questions which access factors associated with escalated risk and danger in a domestic violence situation.This test provides you with an objective tool to be able to make decisions to better protect yourself and your children.

Every person who is currently in an abusive situation or has recently left should take this test.Take the results seriously.Contact your local domestic violence program for help.You can find them by calling The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or 1-800-787-3224 or by clicking on "Directory" at the top left hand side of the page.Devise a comprehensive safety plan for yourself.You can learn how to make one by clicking on "Domestic Violence Safety Plan."

Most people need help getting out of an abusive situation.You do not have to do it alone.There is no reason to do it alone.There is help available for you.Having a plan is essential to leaving safely.Most victims of abuse are murdered when they leave or are trying to leave.Two of the worst mistakes you can make are not having a plan and informing your abuser ahead of time that you plan to end the relationship.This gives an abuser every opportunity to put roadblocks in your way and possibly commit a violent act against you.You are NOT obligated to be honest with someone who hurts you.Take the test.Have a plan and be pro-active about your own life.It belongs to you!

Lanna