Emotional Abuse Support Group

how do I even start. I left him in June of 2010 and we are undergoing a battle for custody of our twins. Of course he says I am crazy and unfit to be a mother and we are having to go through a pyschological evaluation.

Our court order states he gets 3 phone calls a week from the kids who are 2. If I don't call back he will harass me until I call and if it isn't long enough he will text. I have started to stick firm to only calling when it is convenient with our kids or when they are not active. He has since stopped harassing me and I knew that something was going to happen. The calm before the storm. Now he is trying to impose a schedule on me for when he would like to talk to our kids. Now in a typical relationship this would make sense, but with a person like him I feel it is a way to get to me and to control the situation again.

On top of this we had a rental and he said he did not want it anylonger. The home is going into forclosesure. I told the tenants they did not have to leave until the bank told me they had to. I am also filing for bankrupcy. He showed up today demanding $6,000 in back rent or they will be evicted in 3 days.

All this happened in one day. I am trying to stay level headed about this and not allow myself to live in fear anymore, but I am stuggling. Not to mention that I have been having lots of flashbacks.

Any words of encouragement or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hi and welcome to the group! I am so sorry for all that you are going through. Do you have an attorney? If you do, what does he/she say about all of this? If not, I think you should consider getting one. I have never had to do a custody battle, so I really don't know what to say. I'm sure others on this forum will be able to help you with that. One thing I would suggest though is that you don't talk to him. Make him leave you voice mails, texts or e-mails and then print them out and save them for evidence of his abusiveness and threats.

As for him saying you are crazy and unfit to be a mother, that's typical Abuser 101. They all say that. I rely a lot on Lundy Bancroft's book, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." Mr. Bancroft has worked with abusers for over 20 years and developed the first national treatment program for them in the United States. He is very much involved in working with the courts on custody issues regarding the children of abusers. You can check out his website for more info on that. Below is a link to an excellent article he wrote about child custody issues and abusers:

http://www.lundybancroft.com/?page_id=134

Anyway, according to his book, a few of the strategies abusers employ in custody battles are:

* Taking advantage of his financial position.

* Asking for psychological evaluations.

* Playing the role of peacemaker.

* Feigning remorse over the abuse.

* Confusing the court with cross-accusations.

* Accusing her of trying to turn the children against him.

I would urge you to contact a local domestic abuse hotline because they will have knowledge of all the resources in your area that are available to help you. In one passage of his book, Mr. Bancroft writes: "Remember, anyone who specializes in 'domestic violence' is there to help you deal with a scary or intimidating partner, even if he has never hit you. Involve as many of these people in your case as possible; emotional and logistical support can make an immense difference."

thank you so much Meg. I do have an attorney and I had not spoken with her. Her advice was to ignore and just keep record. It is hard because I find myself getting caught up in the moment. Today I saw my therapist and it has helped. It is easy to find myself slipping into that old fear.

I am going to contact my local domestic violence center and see about getting involved in a support group.

The book you suggested is one that I have started but not yet finished. I have read Why is Always about You and Malignant Self Love. It is so hard trying to fight his coniving ways and protect my children all at the same time. That article you sent me was right on the money.

Thank you so much. I will have to start another discussion about custody and pyschological evaluations.

Again thank you!

We have a lot of great books and articles in our Recommended Reading post. A couple of really good ones are below:

http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/ manip.shtml

http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/ emotional_abuse.shtml

I am glad you are seeing a therapist. Mine really helped me tremendously after I left my ex. Where is your family in all of this? Are they supportive of you? You can't have too much support!

Oh my family is right by my side. It is sad to say that for a time I allowed him to alienate myself from them. It wasn't until I became pregant with my babies that they came by into my life because we needed thier helpt. I was on bed rest from 12 weeks.

My mom was staying with us during the week caring for my children while we both worked. I live with my parents now. I cannot even put into words the ammount of appreciation that I have for all that my family has done. Not just my parents, but cousins, aunts, and even friends.

I come from a very small town and being back here I feel safe again. Our old friends come by and show their support and give me words of encouragemnt. Some even coming from similar situations and reminding me to keep my head up high.

I am very fortunate to be able to come home to this and have my children surrounded by such love.

Given all this support I still find myself falling sometimes, but I am learning how to allow myself to lean on others for support and find my inner strength again.

It was my therapist who opened my eyes to the abuse. At the time I just knew something was not right. It was like the saying goes, "He never hit me." As soon as I realized that the abuse was real, I had to get my kids out of there. My parents helped me line up an attorney and set up an account on the side, then we had a plan to take the children out of the house while I told him we were leaving.

I look at where I am now and know that it was the best thing. My hope is to some day give back to others who do not have the support that I do.

Sorry if I seem all over the place, but I am running on very little sleep.

"It was my therapist who opened my eyes to the abuse. At the time I just knew something was not right. It was like the saying goes, "He never hit me." As soon as I realized that the abuse was real, I had to get my kids out of there."

That's why many people consider emotional abuse just as bad if not worse than physical abuse. My therapist once told me that with physical abuse, there is no denying you are being abused and by whom, but with emotional abuse, it can sometimes take years for the victims to figure out what is wrong and who is really to blame for it.

I am glad you are in such a good place. As for giving back to others who don't have the support you do, you came to the right place! Sadly, there is no shortage of abuse victims and as all of us who have been through it have learned, you cannot have too much support!

Hello. I am so sorry to read your history with your husband. I have been married for 21 years and over the last year and a half have been coming to grips that my husband is abusive. I applaud you for getting yourself and your babies out of there. This has been by far the hardest thing that I have had to deal with in my life as I am sure it is for you too. It is hard to hear others stories and not be able to help. We all have been through something terrible and I have so much compassion for others who are in the same boat! I agree with Meg. Try to not get sucked back into his game by not talking to him as much as you possibly can. You will have to because of your kids but limit your conversation to just that.....your kids. My husband did the same to me when I left a year and a half ago. And because I listened to all his games and fell for them I went back. You are very intelligent and are doing the best you can. Stay strong and be independent of him. You can do this and you have so many people on your side. I am so proud of you for standing up to him.

Wishing I could do more.....Toni

My therapist was also the one who opened my eyes. I thought my hub was often controlling, passive-aggressive, selfish, angry, unaffectionate, manipulative, etc. but I kept insisting to my therapist he was not ABUSIVE . (I couldn't see HOW bad he was since he's damn crafty.)

I just joined an abuse support group for women. I've only had my first session, and I think it'll be the best thing I've done so far. You will hear other people's stories and be amazed at the similarities, plus it will make you feel stronger just to have them "there".

Sharing personal experiences with other people makes you warm up to them rather quickly.

Welcome to the board. I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

Post edited by: goldie321, at: 01/12/2011 04:19 PM

Post edited by: goldie321, at: 01/12/2011 04:32 PM

Thank you so much for all your support. Taking a drive with my dad today he says he feels tremendous guilt for not being able to save me sooner. Then I remind him that he did help me get out now. He says he sees "me" again and that I am coming back.

I will definetly look into the support group.

You are very lucky to have so much support already. It can still be hard, though.

I love your line "As soon as I realized that the abuse was real, I had to get my kids out of there."

Too many women stay BECAUSE they have kids, like they're still best off with a father even if he's abusive.

Good for you

Dang, I can't type on this board. I have to edit again because of more mispellings

Post edited by: goldie321, at: 01/15/2011 01:48 PM