Emotional Abuse Support Group

Why is it that she always ruins every weekend? I make the smallest mistake and she lectures me for hours, telling me how stupid I am, didn't I think before I bought that. what was I thinking of etc She says such hateful things to me, yes I am depressed, yes I do get very stressed but then 25 years of her nastyness would be enough to depress anyone, when I get upset its only me being a martyr, she never notices that I am really hurting, or maybe she just don't care.

John, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I have been there myself! I used to look around at the people in my office and feel bad that I was the only one not looking forward to the weekend. The reason the weekends are always bad is because there are no demands on it. Neither party has to be somewhere the next morning and they are together for almost the whole weekend. Can you plan other things for yourself for the weekend to take you away from her? Maybe you could volunteer somewhere or join a health club or take a class.

Secondly, you have to start de-programming yourself from all the criticism you've heard all these years. A good way to do that is with motivational CDs. They do a lot to build you up and increase your self-esteem and almost library has them so money doesn't have to be an issue. You can listen to them there or in your car. Another good tool is what I call mirror talk. Talk to yourself every morning as you are getting ready for work. Look in the mirror while you are shaving and tell yourself the opposite of everything you've heard her say. For instance, if she tells you that you are stupid, tell yourself "I am smart, intelligent and very creative. I have a lot of great ideas!" You don't have to feel it at first. In fact, you might feel kind of ridiculous saying such positive things about yourself, but keep it up and you'll be surprised at how quickly it will begin to work.

I completely understand where you are coming from john. I live with my wife through 12 years of criticism, nothing I did was ever good enough and even when it was, she would always find fault. After leaving, my wife would continually try and remind me of good times we had, but every good time was always matched with a bad time. You end up constantly trying to male them happy and apologising for mistakes that you didn't really make.

I use to dread birthdays and Christmas because I knew nothing I did would be good enough. She rarely remembered our anniversary always making excuses as to why she didn't do anything, I always made an effort but it was always forgotten the day later.

Meg has some good advise. Also you say you are depressed? But this probably isn't clinical depression, it is caused by years of abuse numbing you emotionally and eating you up from the inside.

I use to look forward to my wife being away, and after leaving it didn't take long for me to start to rediscover the person I use to be before we were together.

Good luck, I hope you can restore yourself and gain some strength. You need to start thinking about yourself.

Good to hear from you, Chili! How are things going for you?

John, how is your weekend going so far?

Bought some furniture today, the first desk was the wrong shape, took it back to the shop and changed it the second one is now too wide.

She refused to come with me to choose it, I think she just sets me up to fail all the time,

you know it would be so nice just once to have her say, "yes, thats good" rather than just being negative what ever I do.

Actually it was our anniversary a few weeks back, I took her out bought her a nice bracelet that she chose, she bought me nothing.

Post edited by: john4114, at: 11/07/2010 10:08 AM

I have a few questions. How long have you two been together? Are you married? Do you have children? Just trying to get a picture of your relationship with her.

My husband also didn't get me anything for our anniversary last year so I didn't get him anything this year. Every time he "forgets" my birthday or Mother's Day, I "forget" the same in return. It seems to be working. A really good article I read a few years ago suggested that victims of abuse "mirror" their abusers. That means you say to them the things they say to you. If they threaten you with divorce, you threaten them with divorce. If they forget your birthday, you forget their birthday. It's has been amazingly effective in my situation. You might want to give it a try.

been with her for 25 years and I have 2 teenage sons, she has always been like this to a lesser or greater degree. I used to post on here a couple of years ago and although things have got a little calmer it is pretty much the same as it was back then. The trouble is I can't deal with the hassle of standing up to her she always ends up getting her way and will just make me unhappy till she does.

J

But once she gets her way, are you happy then?

no not at all, in fact I am usually pretty angry with myself for giving in, cowardly I know but easier than an argument I can't win

So it sounds like you are never happy when you are with her ... just varying degrees of unhappiness. If you are unhappy regardless of whether you give in to her or not, what is the motivation for you in giving in?