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08/19/2008 11:27 AM

Should I be honest?

Ewansmom
Posts: 10
New Member

My husband decided to lay on the couch with our son last night in order to get our son to sleep. When I went to move my son closer to me--so my husband could fit on the couch with us--my husband said, "Pinch me again and I'll punch you out." I never even touched him, and I told him this. However, my husband has said abusive things like this before. Before I went to put my son to sleep, my husband took a nap on the couch. When I went to change my son's diaper, my son started screaming because he had serious diaper rash. My husband woke up and told my son to shut up and looked at me as if it were my fault that I couldn't keep my son quiet (but maybe I'm being a bit touchy). I ask him not to swear, yell, or say mean things to me--especially in front of our 18 month old, yet he never listens. My husband has kicked me (he says because I was poking him while he slept), thrown things at me, and made me feel horrible about myself. We haven't slept together in over a month. He is distant and doesn't even want to be near me anymore; I think he thinks I'm fat.

I have contemplated leaving him for some time and have even seen a lawyer, but I have so many doubts and concerns. First, I grew up without a father, and I don't want the same thing happening to my son. My son loves his dad a lot. Also, I'm afraid to leave him because he's threatened to take my son and move to China. Considering all of the hurt he's put me through, I even feel bad thinking about leaving him. I always thing of the phrase, "for better or for worse." In April, my husband lost a very good job (because he was causing problems at work) and has been unemployed ever since. He has been on numerous interviews, but with the economy the way it is and not-so-good references, he can't find a job. I can tell that he's depressed. I'm not sure if I should leave him when he's so depressed. Should I stick by him. Also, he has renovated our entire house and works really hard around the house. I always think about all the good he's done.

Should I sit down with my husband and tell him all I've been feeling? Should I be honest and tell him that I am unhappy and thinking about leaving him? Based on your experience and my history, do you think it's a smart decision to be honest? Any help you can give me is appreciated.

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08/22/2008 11:03 AM
nicolechittock
nicolechittock  
Posts: 475
Member

Hi Ewansmom,

I would say before you do anything, you need to make sure that you and your son are protected. He may be making empty threats trying to scare you, but it's better to be safe than sorry. Learn your rights, and take the necessary precautions to prevent him from taking your son. THEN if you still feel like you want to sit down and try to work things out, you will at least have taken the steps to protect yourself and your son if things turn sour.

I have to say, I do recommend honesty. I was terrified of leaving my ex, and I went about it the wrong way. Looking back, I wish I had been upfront and honest about what was going on because it left me with a lot of unresolved anger and guilt that I never should have had.

If you need to talk, feel free to PM me anytime. Good luck with everything.


08/24/2008 05:04 PM
Lilibit58
Lilibit58  
Posts: 1556
Senior Member

Sweetie, never be honest with a crazy person he'll just turn it on you or use it against you later. I thought you were looking to get out of this for your son's sake? I just read something about guilt. sometimes we feel guilty to let out children see the abuse but then also feel guilty for taking their father away. It's a Catch 22 situation, damed if you do and damed if you don't. The best advice???? Do which is least hurtful to the child. Which would be to leave so that the child lives in safety. I know we all want life to be better for our own, but our past is not theirs. Of couse you want your child to have what you didn't, but do you want a father who is abusive or do you want a good father? They are out there.

Depends on what you need to be honest about. I worry that you'll be setting yourself up for more of the same.

Good luck,

Lori


08/24/2008 09:54 PM
nicolechittock
nicolechittock  
Posts: 475
Member

Good point, Lori. I hadn't thought of it that way. I guess what I meant was that I made excuses (basically blaming the failure of the relationship on myself in order to keep him from getting angry) instead of saying I was leaving because he was an abusive jerk. I wish I hadn't done that because it made it harder for me to heal. I was so convincing about it, I just about convinced myself! lol Every situation is different, and Lori's advice about doing what's best for the child is spot on.

08/25/2008 04:46 PM
Lilibit58
Lilibit58  
Posts: 1556
Senior Member

I did that too Nicole, blamed myself for his issues. Took a long time to realise that he had those issues long before he met me. Don't beat yourself up - instead be proud of yourself that you were intelligent enough to get yourself out of there and into a better place. BECAUSE YOU ARE WORTH IT!

I know you've had a hard time with getting your stuff and his ex's, but you know what...stuff can be replaced and the wives...they can keep him. You are the lucky one. Smile

Lori

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