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04/16/2012 09:50 PM

Boundaries

mountainluv
Posts: 412
Member

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend.

http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/ 0310247454

Excellent book, I wish I would have read this years ago. A friend's sister and I were talking about my situation. She got up and brought me this book. I opened the book to a random page, and it was like it was my life in print.

I'm not very good at summarizing, so look at the summary on Amazon. It is a Christian based book, does quote some scripture. It isn't telling you how to lead a Christian life. There is mention about passages in the Bible that infer that it's important to set boundaries.

The book talks about setting boundaries in relationships, at work, with your kids, with friends and with yourself. It's things like when your husband starts to yell at you and you tell him that if he continues to yell, you are going to spend the night somewhere else, and following through with it. This will not work with all relationships, but makes me wonder, when he first started acting like a jerk even before we got married if I should have said something instead of just taking it. He would say something about me in front of people. I would just smile even though it was hurtful or embarrassing. Instead, I should have said "I find that hurtful and if you continue to embarrass me in front of others, I will not join you when you go out". I should have started in the beginning when the outbursts were not as bad.

This book is also for people who can't say no. Everyone asks them to do things,knowing that the person won't say no. Pretty soon you are doing everything for everyone else, and you are doing nothing for yourself. I have a coworker who makes the cakes for everyone else's birthdays. When someone asks her to put together a baby shower or some other party, she always says yes. Even if it will cut into her family time.

One section talks about family and how sometimes family members like to make you feel guilty. For instance, your mom calls as you are walking out the door. You ask if you can call her back, she says "ok, if you don't want to talk to me, nobody ever calls me." Or you decide to move away, and the guilt trip is laid on thick.

Its also about following through with discipline with your children, or just showing them the consequences for their behavior. Setting boundaries with them.

I think it would be a great book for any of you who are starting to date again.

Like I said, I am not very good at the book summary thing, but it is a very empowering book.

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04/17/2012 04:13 AM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 15222
Group Leader

Thanks for the review. Sounds like a book I need to read!

04/17/2012 06:54 AM
p92868
p92868  
Posts: 2885
Senior Member

Mountainluv, yes, I would like to learn tactics, expressions of how to set bounderies....I never saw my mom do it...on the contrary she allowed everyone to step over her and specially us her kids...she will say things that would make us feel less than the rest....was hurtful and embarassing as if she did not love us....it is just now that I realize with my abuser ex boyfriend that she is not capable of having feelings as she is an abuser herself....very sad but it all makes sense...I am impressed that I have been able to survive with ALL the abuse that I have been exposed.....all my family members are abusers/sociopaths.....it all adds up...I was lucky that my nanny showed me a different more hopeful and logical way of living...she was not perfect but my nanny did help....in addition....you remind me of my abuser ex boyfriend when you say...."He would say something about me in front of people. I would just smile even though it was hurtful or embarrassing."....as my abuser would embarasse me and it was humilating!....and for him it was a way to get attention...bec not even our friends could believe that he was exposing me for them also to criticize me....and I would not expect it....I think if I would have left and spent the night/day at another place from the begining....I would have not been able to have a relationship with him.....he would have apply the right dosage of abuse and made me feel that it was normal for him to abuse me as his perception of abuse is distorded...so yes, having bounderies would have aid me in avoiding having a relationship with him...and something inside me tells me I had to have the relationship with him....I was ready to learn about abuse....I remember feeling this pull that I could not stop...I even told my friends....I know he is not nice all the time, I want to show him that there is another way of living...then I will leave...bec I am strong...but the pull was too hard to get away from .....I admited to this!...now, I know I tried and it did not work...it is taking heeps of effort, perseverance...even now at work with new and old jobs and of course the economy, abusers in my life have come in and out...at least now, I am learning I have a innate right to say no!.....I feel it!...I have quit just a job 2 days ago and the manager was exactly and abuser....I keep on learning on how amazingly she could ennact as if she were an innocent child...and how enthusiastic she gets when talking with clients at this spa at the front desk...and how 180 degrees she can change with her very very very hard words or better yet consist expressions...the way she puts words together....."...you are to take the key, and your are to open the closet...." when she was talking over the weekend over the phone to me on speaker phone with a eco in the background...as if she was doing something else...when I was supposed to be closing the cashier drawer and reconcile all the morning transactions and leave in 15 mins. with clients coming to check in and out and purchase stuff for me to process in the computer with my having to be in 30 minutes to another location for another job that I have......she even made me feel sad/regrettful that I had quit that morning bec she was sooo nice and this place could be sooo nice to work for...I was there for about 3 or 4 weeks.....it could be very quiet at times...but I had not future...and working with her eventhought she was stepping down at the end of this month and just exercise as a massage therapist from being a spa manager, I did not want to be around her....she talked down to me when she felt she wanted to.....and it was brief.....the difference now is that I admit to my gut instinct, I feel entitle to stand for myself...not just know it but I am convinced that I have a right to my space...and the world is not going to kill me for doing so...in fact, it feels awesome to provide an abuse free enviroment....another example....over the weekend in working with in a hardware store, one of my co workers likes me as a girlfriend, OK? and I like him but he is definitely not for me, too young, clumsy, innapropriate in different clumsy ways.....he is innocent buy waaaay tooo imature....however, I know I am needy of close friends...if he were to be a girl...gosh! I will jump into doing fun things together...and this time, I am aware that if I were to hang out with him and go to see the horses nearby the store that we worked which I did last Sunday, and he was taking about hiking, and fun activities that he knows, etc...even the manager tissed me when we left as we closed the store.....I would become attached....and it is yes sad that I cannot do fun stuff with this new boy friend/co worker.....but I am aware that if I give into the innocent idea of we are just hanging out and having an innocent fun time....it will lead into other more personal stuff.....so I know what dosage of entertainment I shall provide for myself....my cooworker is not going to understand my saying not to him next time....and this is okay...and I am not going to explain that it is not his fault or explain about bounderies, etc....he even asked me to marry him in spanish...as he likes the idea of practicing it by reading from a book that the store sells....silly and immature stuff...but it can be fun to just play as it can be borring at times..and he is fun to be around for brief moments...and he is a geniune nice person to talk, etc......but what I am learning is to provide of an enviroment that is appropriate for me...I have a right to say no....I can see things ahead and avoid them...just like when I provide nutricious foods and avoid too many calories, or regulate fats intake, the right vitamines to take, etc.....and provide for my finances.....talking about finances....I got awesome news....look at how I manage to provide and deal with my financial situation!!!!...I am sooooo proud for have asked...last night I called my credit card that I will have not been able to pay or it would have meant having to take funds from the 401k with penalties, etc....and the supervisor to the operator granted me 2 months free interest to pay for my credit card bills!!!!! so I dont have to pay the $1800 dollars by 21st of this month!!!!....what happened is that I had a car repair bill that threw me off @$900 plus one day car rental, etc.....and few hours of work lost.....also, I am not calling my mom back or other people, even a complete stranger who are trying long story short to force me to help my (abuser) sister to come to this country as I am a citizen...through my hard work and mostly responsable decisions in life...which my sister and brother have done the opposite since we were born! for godness sake!!! and I am not taking it one more time...no way!...at least not conciously and aware of their real intensions bec they can really really like the spa manager present themselves as sooooo innocent and I fall for it!...F*ck that!...abuse stops here!...and the world is not going to kill me for protecting myself....it is ok for other people not to like me...in fact, I welcome it! I welcome people not to like me!...I want people not to like me!!!!!!!....and it will all be fine and peaceful....big part of my perseption and taking things on my back are my catholic upbringing teaching me to save the world by forgiving and forgetting about all the abusers....even the nun who I speak ever once in a blue moom...once a year perhaps?.....told me ..."...but she is your mother!!!..." knowing that my mother let my dad sexually molest me!!!!...and she, my mom, told me in a confusing and soooo distorded way of seeing things..."..in Africa there is a tribe that allows the fathers to teach their children their sexuality..."..and I was about 22 years old when she told me that f*ck!!!!!.....aaahh!!!...abuse stops now in my life....the world is not going to kill me and I will be loved by myself and others that I will choose, I will not die...that I know now...and bouderies will allow me to keep abusers away from my space...bec I know that there are lots and lots of abuser everywhere...as there are nice people like myself also...who I look enthusiastically forward to continue to meet them and have the time of my life!!!! Yupeee!!!!!!!...Meg1129, you are definitely one of them......Yeah!....Hug, Patricia...ps. I want to check the book too to continue to enforce the ways to say things in a nice way but firmly to abuse to stay away from my space.....Smile
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