I've kinda been putting off joining this group because I haven't wanted to admit to myself that I have some problems in this area...
I have always been very thin ever since I was a little kid. Growing up and in high school I always used to have people compliment me and tell me I should be a model...I would scoff at them and say "I don't want to be a model, they aren't healthy." I became a vegetarian in 8th grade because I wasn't a fan of eating meat and I loved animals. I ate more than enough and my mom made me get my blood tested every 3 months to make sure that I was doing it healthily.
I got pretty sick during my sophmore year of highschool, and lost a whole bunch of weight because one of the meds I was on made me so naseaus that I couldn't eat. I remember longing to just be healthy and "normal" again.
It turned out what they thought I had was a misdiagnosis so I was able to come off the medication. I started gaining weight. I surpassed my original weight by about 20lbs, but didn't feel bad about it because I was just more "curvyer." So I didn't mind.
Last summer I started getting daily chronic migraine and one of the meds I first tried was depakote. I ended up gaining 20 more lbs on that. And that is when (about 6 months ago) I started to look at myself and feel negatively. I have begun to see fat instead of pretty, disgusting instead of healthy. I have become obsessed with weight, mentally charting where I am weight wise in relation to every girl that I see. I will sometimes sit in the cafeteria, looking at the waist of every girl that comes out of the line and what she bought to eat. I started having panic attacks in public because of it, because everyone is looking at me and disgusted by how I look. The panic is what drove me to start severely restricting eating in order to loose weight. Eventually that evolved into throwing up my meals and then binge eating. I have lost the 20lbs and am back at my weight before the meds...but I still feel disgusting, even though I didn't previously when I was at this weight. I never "thought" that I would be one to develop an ed...I always used to say that it doesn't matter what weight you are, as long as you are healthy...except now it does...it matters a whole lot.
The throwing up has become my main concern, because I am no longer only throwing up only to loose wieght. Now I am doing it because it "feels good." I will do it when I am depressed or anxious because it makes me feel better. I sort of get a "high" and feel proud of myself when I do it, it helps me feel better when I am upset. That kinda scares me...
I'd also like to add that both of my parents are quite overweight, and I am afraid of becoming like them. And I routinely put up with "joking" from them about how fat I am. So yea...thats the story...any imput?
Post edited by: davesprettylady, at: 05/10/2011 06:06 PM
