|
Bec23  Posts: 4
New Member
|
Hi! My name is Rebecca. I am 23, and have been dealing with anorexia nervosa ever since I was about 13 or 14 years old. I think I started having issues with my body when I was 12... maybe even earlier, because I remember when, as a young girl, I had a doctor tell me I had a tendency to get a "pudge" and needed to "watch it." That made me feel pretty self-conscious. Maybe that's when I actually started watching my sweet-intake every day. I don't really know why I started starving myself. It started out as an attempt to eat healthy things and exercise for a healthier-looking body, but it rapidly spun into an obsession and self-hatred that I could not shake off. I weighed 89 pounds when I started recovery in middle school. I started recovering because my therapist said I would be hospitalized if I lost one more pound. I really hate hospitals, plus it made me realize the gravity of what I was doing. Afterward I stayed healthy in my body for a few years, though my mind still distorted my body image. The disease hung in the background somewhere until I started college, and other insecurities triggered a relapse. I am about 5"7 or 5"8, although I might have shrunk a little bit ever since I got hurt. By the end of my relapse, I weighed 99 pounds. I constantly felt very sick, faint, and fatigued. I had stomach aches often because I was drinking a lot of coffee and diet soda to cover the hunger. On top of that, I was taking Ibuprofen when I went to work to ease my aching back. I worked with somewhat heavy things as a cashier at Wal-Mart, and suffered muscle damage because I had lost too much muscle mass to support myself for the repetitive and sometimes heavy work that I was trying to do. I ended up tearing some muscle or ligament in my back. The arches of my feet became flat, for which I now have to walk on customized sole supports. Because of my back and foot problems, my knee-caps started tracking wrong, and a few months from the back injury, they gave out. I have limited function of my knees back, but it has not been the same since. The Dr. told me it could be arthritis because I get swelling and inflammation in both knees. I go through a lot of ice every week to keep it down. Now I can't get my old insurance either because it expired, and it is a hardship to get some other insurance because of "preexisting conditions." I have hypoglycemia, things ache a lot more than they used to, and I get heart-burn rather easily. The latter is mending, too, however. Because of all the abuse I put my stomach through, the first time I tried to eat spaghetti I had to battle to keep it down - the stomach cramping was so bad I had to stay home from work that day. Now I can eat things with red sauce again, but I still get stomach aches and muscle aches easily, even in places I don't remember injuring. I went through really bad depression when I hurt my back and everything, so I was also somewhat of a cutter for a while. I don't do that either now, but when I get really depressed I sometimes get afraid that I might start it again. My body is weak, and so is my mind. I weigh 123 pounds now, which is supposed to be perfect for my height, but my mind still distorts my image in the mirror each day. The battle gets so tough, especially with back, knee, stomach, and neck irritation in the picture, that sometimes it's all I can do not to give up and sleep forever. Eventually I would get bored of sleeping, though, so I opted for living. But I thought while I'm doing that, it would be nice to come to this support group to meet people whom I could help encourage and be encouraged by. I need this because my thoughts get so out of control, I just don't where to turn anymore or what to do. Please help! What are some ways I can let out my hurts without starving or cutting? |
