I am sucking up all my pride to open up about this. I'm just not ready to tell the people closest to me yet. No one knows about this (if they do, its never been brought up). Years ago, I had horrible self esteem. My brother called me fat (although I never really was). After hearing it so much, I became fat in my eyes. About 5 or 6 years ago (I'm 21 now), I started throwing up my food. It started out occasionally. just when I ate "too much". However, I've never really binged. That's one of the reasons no one knows. I've never been one of those bulimics who ate thousands of calories with the intention to throw up after. I throw up after eating a regular meal-regular portions like everyone else. In the past year, its gotten worse. I'm doing it every time I eat. I'm not stupid. I know its unhealthy and I have a problem but I can't stop,
I've always known it was serious, but now it a REAL problem. I feel sick if I don't do it. These past few days I've been really sick. it's affecting my job. my happiness. yesterday I couldn't keep down water. I'm so nauseous and I can't tell anyone. I'm at work and holding in my tears as I write this. I know I have to stop, but i'm afraid its too late. permanent damage is done. today i still feel nauseous. I've been eating and drinking tiny tiny amounts and I've been keeping it down. my body feels the need to throw up, but I'm not letting myself. I'm distracting myself and hoping the feeling will pass. It does when I don't think about it.
I know its my own fault and now my body is paying the price. Tonight I have to tell my fiance (whom I live with). I know that if I don't tell him, it's going to keep happening. I'm not worried about telling him because I know he'll help in any way he can, but I'm just so embarrassed. I'm a smart girl. I have so many things going for me. How could I let this get so out of hand? It hurts and I'm just disappointed in myself.
The biggest problem is my mental block. I KNOW I'm not "fat". On good days, I'm actually happy with my body. The numbers don't lie. I'm "healthy" (weight-wise anyway), but why can't I control this? I can eat one regular meal and just feel so fat. So sick. One meal skews my mindset. As soon as I eat, I look different in my eyes. I look fat. As soon as I throw up, I'm satisfied with my body again.
i swear to GOD i coulda wrote those EXACT words! i am EXACTLY the same.. dont binge, but will throw up after normal meals. i too, feel FAT after i eat and fine after i . im healthy weight wise..(even on the low end ) but i just "feel" fat. period. the only time i dont, is when i starve or ... you are SOOOOOOO not alone sweets. i am EXACTLY like you... to the "T".
as far as your fiance, telling my hubby was one of the best things i did. he supports the shit outta me and doesent judge or force anything on me. YESSSS... he does get annoyed... YESSSSSS... he HATES that im doing this to myself, however he knows that i CANT recover till IM ready. if you need ANY help or guidance threw this, im here. i think i can help you cuz we have the same issues.
how long has this been going on????? PM me ANYTIME... we are here for ya! OHHHHHHH WELCOME to our group!!!! it takes alot to reach out... you are brave, im SO proud!
06/04/2009 07:49 PM
Posts: 1658 Senior Member
Welcome to the group! You have just made one giant step to your recovery!! Let me know if you want to talk or anything. I'm here for you!
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