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12/18/2010 08:55 PM

My Story.

Kayye
Kayye  
Posts: 70
Member

Four years ago, I was going through one of the hardest times in my life. My mom and I both lost our best friends in the same week. My dad snapped and turned abusive, as did my boyfriend, all over about a two month period. I'm not sure if it was part grief or insanity that broke me. But I felt my life was spiriling. I was falling, and there was nothing to grab on to. I was losing control. Food. The ONE thing I felt I had control over, took over every aspect of my life. Took over me. And I was oblivious to it. For months I went through this period in time where I just refused to eat. I think I sincerely believed I didn't have an appetite. And then I passed out in the middle of English. It took an hour for the nurse to feed me half a granola bar. The next day the counselor called me down to her office and sat me down. And then said, very seriously: "I believe you have an eating disorder." My first reaction: I laughed. Hysterically. And told her she was nuts. Then laughed some more. I went through a time where I got some counseling for my problem. But I thought it was stupid, she bought me a subway sandwhich at the end of all of it, and when she left I threw it away. Then through a twisted chain of events, I moved in with my biological father. In his eyes, I was always the screw up. Nothing was ever good enough. Literally. He went through this odd cycle of torture, where for a few days he'd tell me I was fat, and that I could lose some weight, then the following week, tell me he was going to put me in a hospital if I didn't eat. He did this every week for four years. It got to the point where my doctor told me he wanted me to gain a few pounds, my stepmom encouraged it. Then yelled at my dad when he told me if I gained anymore weight I'd be obese and ugly. I weighed 98 pounds at the time. I was fifteen and 5'3. All of this caused me to do this thing where when no one was home, I'd eat like everything. I'd stuff like six meals in a handful of hours, and then wouldn't eat anything for the next week. Repeatedly. Once I got out of the situation, and permenantly away from him, things started to get better. Until about a year ago. I was in a PE class, and we were figuring out our BMIs. Mine was 17.4. The coach looked at me, and in front of the entire class told me I "could afford to lose ten pounds". I was shocked. And burshed it off. but it sat there in the back of my mind and brewed. Ever since, I've been in this constant struggle not to let food take over my life again. I don't think it's as bad as it was, I think I may have some form of control over it, if not shaky. Last time I got counseling for it, my mother claimed I was doing all of it to get back at her. That it was just to hurt her. She never realized it had nothing to do with her. I ate a good sized meal today, hearty. At lunch. until my sister decided to take photos of me eating and post them on facebook with captions of pig noises. That was just wonderful. Anyways, that's all for now.

-Kaye (:

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12/19/2010 06:36 AM
Indubitably
Indubitably  
Posts: 856
Senior Member
I'm an Advocate

Thanks for sharing Kaye. I'm sorry your family is sort of the anti-support. I don't speak to my father (haven't for nearly 11 years); my mom and I speak almost daily, but we're not close; and I rarely see or speak to my siblings. Maybe you should distance yourself from your family a bit, if only temporarily, while you get yourself to a more healthy place. Just a suggestion, of course. I personally find the pig-nosed images to be incredibly disrespectful, not to mention unhelpful. I'm a bitch, though, and would probably upload some images of my sister passed out on a sidewalk or something... whatever I could find! Haha

Anyway, ignore my more unethical advice. Keeping things other people say (like school coaches and such) in our memory banks is quite common. These people have lasting impacts and influence on our lives and they generally don't even realize to what degree. For some it's very positive, for others, it's this. It's one comment that inspires unhealthy eating. But you've had to hear it relentlessly from a mentally unstable father, so I commend you for recognizing the issues and fighting to overcome urges, as well as for seeking help.

Also, your initial response of laughing when you were told you possibly had an eating disorder... I can relate to that. I grew up with people asking me if I was anorexic. I was just always thin, but as I got older and fell into certain eating habits, I certainly had some sort of eating disorder. I can see that now. At the time, though, the idea was laughable to me. Mostly a lack of understanding when it came to eating disorders (and eating in generally, really, as far as what our bodies need and how they process food).

My best advice is to study how the body processes food and what your body needs for you to be healthy. In doing that, I believe it will help you discard those quotes you're holding in your memory. What they think doesn't matter because what you know is all that is needed for you to be healthy. Does that make sense? Get in that mindset and you'll be on a stable road to recovery as opposed to that shaky bridge you're on now.

Elle


12/19/2010 07:54 AM
Kayye
Kayye  
Posts: 70
Member

Thank you for sharing as well. I've actually started to distance myself a bit, I haven't spoken to my dad in over a year, nor my siblings due to that, so on that front I can relate as well. I live with my best friend who is my rock and my support, and has been for five years, so I'm hoping that will help. That's really good advice, I've never really thought about how much my body really needs, as opposed to how much it didn't I guess. If that makes sense. I considered taking revenge photos, but decided it'd be just as hurtful to her, so I just told her flatout how unbelievably hurtful and unhelpful her actions were, and she apologized and took them down. I'm trying this new thing, where I'm actually nice to people. Haha, or else I would have taken candid shots of her. Thanks for the advice, and the support. (:

12/19/2010 09:04 AM
Indubitably
Indubitably  
Posts: 856
Senior Member
I'm an Advocate

Your way of handling your sister was surely the best! I'm glad you got that issue worked out. I'm in the process of writing a paper (mostly for my boyfriend) about healthy eating. It's going to be comprehensive so I probably won't be finished with it for quite some time, but I'll post it here when I'm done. In the meantime, if you're interested, here's an article I wrote on some of the basics: http://www.mdjunction.com/hpv/articles/what-can-i-do-to- boost-my-immune-system

Elle


12/22/2010 01:40 PM
Kayye
Kayye  
Posts: 70
Member

I will definitely look into it, thank you.
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