Dysfunctional Families Online Support Group

Hi Everyone - I'm having a tough time accepting that my dysfunctional family will always be the way they are. I'm 33 and married with a family of my own so I think its time for me to just cut ties with my own family and accept that they will never change.

My parents won't speak to me because I had a disagreement with my alcoholic sister who makes everyones lives a misery. They tell me how she's upsetting them and when I say it to her in person rather than behind her back, they all say I'm lying and that they never said a word about her!

It really upsets me that they keep doing this. Nothing can be resolved so long as they keep enabling her! She has even been physically abusive to my mother on occasion but my mother will still always take her side over mine. I have never treated my parents badly or stopped them from seeing my children the way my sister has done. Everytime my parents stop talking to me they don't make contact with my children either. If it happens to be the kids birthday or Christmas during one of these fall outs - they don't get so much as a card from their grandparents. I am so cut up about the whole thing. I really need to find the strength to move on but I feel heartbroken and like somebody has ripped my insides out. I feel worthless when my family treat my like this. I have always been supportive and there for each one of them but I feel like I'm the scape goat in the family. i know I'm not perfect but I certainly don't deserve to be treated like this. What should I do???

Fairy, that's a heartbreaking situation!

Before you cut all ties with your parents, consider if it would be possible to just back away from the situation and talk to your parents on occasion, allow them to have a small relationship with your children, and try detaching from your family situation.

If they start talking about your sister, change the subject. Make every effort to not get included in any family drama and keep conversations as light as possible.

You sound hurt by the fact that when there's been a spat they ignore your children. I gather that you want them in your children's lives and that's admirable. That's so heartbreaking and it surprises me that they would do that to their grandchildren.

It also sounds like your sister has gone through periods where she has refused to let them see her children. I'll venture a guess that it's one reason that your parents walk on eggshells around her and don't want to upset her. They want contact with her children. They probably also worry about her and since you seem to be a well adjusted person, they stomp on your feelings. It's kind of like the greasy wheel getting all the attention while the rest are ignored.

My guess is that it's like other family dynamics. You know how siblings fight when they're children, but let someone else jump in and they're right there to defend them. Could it be that they just want a sounding board and that's why they talk about her alcoholism behind her back and yet don't want anything said to her? It sounds like they don't want the confrontation.

You could be the meaker, mellower, more gentle daughter and they don't fear losing you or your children so they feel free to put the blame on you when bad things happen. They may figure that you'll always be there for them and wouldn't desert them.

Do you think detaching and keeping it casual would work? It must be a very heartbreaking situation for you and I'm so sorry.

Post edited by: Angela2, at: 07/15/2012 03:00 AM

I have tried that before Angela. I don't really speak to my sister - she is such a difficult and toxic person to be around. My mother put me under a lot of pressure to contact my sister so when I eventually did I asked my mother not to fall out with me if my sister and I had words. She didn't stick to her word as you can see.

If I hadn't made contact with my sister my mother would have stopped talking to me over that too. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. By the way, my sister sent me 2 unpleasant emails and I kept trying by sending nice ones back. Then I got fed up with it and let her have some home truths. This is why my parents won't speak to me now. If they had any emotional maturity at all they would be able to do like you've suggested - keep conversations simple and have occasional contact but it never works out that way. I guess what I'm looking for is a way to get past the feelings of hurt and rejection. I don't know if its something I can recover from - I've been in tears every night for a week over it and my husband is really annoyed that this is happening again. Thanks so much for your reply and your empathy - I guess you're right - they know that I won't stay mad at them the way my sister would. Also she lives beside them and I live 4 hours away so its easier to just leave me out. I'm just a bit fed up with being the one who is so easily cut out - I have written letters to my mother before explaining how hurtful it is when she treats me like this. She just shows the letters to my older sister who I do talk to and gets her to answer them - saying things like I don't seem very upset that she isn't speaking to me or I don't seem to miss her very much! I mean what on earth does the woman want from me???!

Fairyqueen thats terrable, just dosen't sound right for them to deny saying what they did and giving you the fallout.

My belief is that if our parents are dysfunctional then we should learn from this and not bring it into our new families(husband/kids), that is the best we can do. My mom had 14 bros and sis, talk about dysfunction, half of them she never delt with and detatched from them, we never seen these people growing up, her dad too, so if you have to detatch then that is the best thing.

My kids asked me when they were younger who I loved more, well I told them that although I love them differently because they are different people, I would treat them the same and that is fair.

Good luck with all this.

Thanks Sifted - maybe my family are doing my a favor by not speaking to me when they treat me the way they do. My Dad's health isn't good and I worry about him so my fear is that he will die while we are estranged. But I guess that will be his choice. Thanks for the reply. It feels good to have someone to talk to. X

Ava,,Is there anyway you can call just your Dad. I think its important to let you know you love him, but you feel your sister is keeping you away.

Not only that, I was thinking if you could find some good information on enablers to send to your Mom, maybe that can get through to her. Mostly , I worry for your Mom, if she allows your sister to physically hurt her. Thats abuse, and elderly people just take it sometimes..thinking they deserve it because of the way that one bad child of theirs came out as an adult. Your Mom is probably feeling needy , and she lets your sister use her for this need. This is just the way it seems to me. Though it may not be the case.

Maybe your Dad needs to talk in private with you..when your Mom goes to the store or gets her hair done...it may help you in the long run, that you have made peace with your Dad, because time is short. I lost both my parents and we had 9 kids all together. But some held away from my Mom or My Dad..and regret it to this day. Because the love was so strong, but they were hurt as you are...but if my one sister would have humbled herself just once before they passed away...to tell them she loved them..it would of saved her from the misery of loosing them without telling them how she felt, but would always love them still.

Peace to your Heart...that hurts and aches ...I care

Patty

Hi Patty - your reply is so insightful and makes a lot of sense. I have been trying to contact my Dad. I've been texting him but he has a new phone that he doesn't know how to text on lol! Besides my mother would check it every so often to see who he is speaking with and he may get in trouble if he does contact me. My husband phoned him from work last week just to ask him to keep us up to date on how he is doing and he said he would but I haven't heard from him as yet. I'm sure when he is feeling stronger he will make contact - he doesn't like to fall out with anyone.

I have tried to show my mother some literature like that before - she calls it psycho babble! So I think my relationship with her is a lost cause really. I am leaving things open on my end in the sense that I haven't gotten angry with my parents or anything like that. I can only hope that my Dad will contact me when he is ready.

I've reached a few realizations over the weekend - like my mother definitely has some kind of personality disorder which makes it difficult for her to maintain relationships so I should just let things go and realize that this is her problem not mine. I have experienced mental health problems myself but I went and got therapy and took meds for as long as I needed to get better. My mother doesn't think she has a problem and therefore doesn't need any help. Its sad really. She was also quite a heavy drinker over the years as was my Dad and there were terrible drink fueled rows when I was growing up. My brother was very badly affected by it all. My mother and sister were so cruel to him that he now hates women and can't seem to hold a steady relationship. I don't know why I'm writing all of this down but it helps - so I hope you all don't mind me rambling on a bit! Thank you all so much for being here for me. Last night was the first night I didn't cry myself to sleep in a week. I'm working towards opening my own Montessori School at the moment. I'm in the process of doing some final assignments so I'm going to try my best to focus on my goals and try not to become too distressed about family problems.

I hope everyone here had a nice weekend and a peaceful one and if I can return the favor by being there for any of you please PM me. XXX

Fairy, I'm sorry that it didn't work out to do things that way.

Now I understand more of what you're going through and I find it odd that your mother is treating you this way. When you send her a heartfelt letter, it's not proper for her to share it with anyone, including your other sister.

I understand that parents want their children to love each other and stay in contact, but it's also odd that she would stop speaking to you if you don't get in contact with your alcoholic sister. I just don't understand what your mother is thinking.

Fairy, I replied before reading the rest of the posts. This time of the evening I have a short memory span. (Haha)

It sounds like you're 100% correct and your mother has some sort of problem. First, she's definitely in denial and it's obvious with her "psycho babble" comment. You're very wise to let it be her problem and be taking care of yourself and your family.

Good luck on your new venture!

Thanks Angela - I think you have summed it up nicely my mother is just "odd"!