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04/19/2012 03:14 PM

My sister is crazy

GwenB
 
Posts: 6
New Member

Ugh! I am so glad I found this site. I have been seeing a counselor for years about my family and most of all about my sister. She is 4 1/2 years older than me and I really believe she is missing part of her brain. I sometimes really feel like I don't belong in this family or I wish I did not.

I am a 44 year old female, who has a wonderful husband and 2 great and terrific kids, a boy 16, and a girl 14. We have been happily married for 19 years.

I will try to sum it up as short as I can, but here is goes. For years I have been the one to say I am sorry, when 80% of the time I was in the right and been the one to make peace with my sister. Let me give you the time line:

Family history - dad is a convicted child molester, my sister remembers some stuff, I don't - have since through many years of Christian counseling and putting the pieces of the puzzle together. My sister's eldest daughter was abused by him - that's what got him jail time.

We moved across the country (literally from the West coast to the East coast) for my sister and her family when her husband committed suicide in 2002, because she did not have any family close by. I had lived in the same place all my life, but we moved.

When we moved here, my sister went down hill, in a big way. She was not taking care of her children, hooking up with strangers, etc. Her pastors wife almost called social services on her because her house was in such a mess, she was worried for her kids - her middle child was cooking bacon for her younger brother for dinner because there was nothing else in the house.

After 6 months, my sister moved to El Paso, and the back to the West coast.

She financially blew a ton of money that was left to her in a Will, and stole the kids' college money from their 529 account that her husband's work set up for them.

She asked for help and we tried to get her on a budget, she never could stick to it so my husband after years of trying - gave up.

We begged her younger daughter who was 13 at the time to come stay with us, because her mom was not taking care of her, and her older sister was already going down the wrong path and her brother did not want to leave his mom - because she is good at the guilt thing. She did come live with us for about 6 months and then my sister wanted her back ( and she guilts this one the most) so she went back home to an unhappy life.

5 years ago we find out from a friend that her oldest daughter was on drugs and living on the street with her 3 year old daughter. Mom didn't care what she was doing and we did not know. Once we found out we moved her close to us, paid for her car insurance, a place to stay, and daycare for her daughter - so mom could work and try to get her life back on track. at this point we are still trying to get her sister to come live with us also.

The older one met another guy, got pregnant again and lost her job. We told her that she was on her own, unless she went to a Christian program for unwed teens that keeps them for up to 6 weeks after the baby is born. She only agreed to this because of no where to go. My sister - still out of the picture.

My sister meets some guy on an adult couples porn site and moves out to the East coast to be with him. Her eldest follows because her mom is an enabler and she knows she can wear her down and get what she wants.

We finally get middle child to come live with us and go to college after a year of trying to convince her too. She finally is miserable at home, and hates her mother enough that she comes. After 4 years of living with us, she is graduating with a 4 year undergraduate degree and has a plan for her life. With us doing most of the work to get her through - my sister again out of the picture.

Eldest daughter now has baby number 3 with 3 guy, and 1 abortion from a 4th. Youngest son would never come live with us and is now 19 and going no where.

Eldest daughter cannot pay rent as is going to be evicted and we offer to take her kids with us (2 girls, ages 7 & 4, son 1 with dad). Her younger sister (the one living with us) pleaded for us to take them in and I quote "because I am only where I am today, because you guys loved me and took me in".

So we have had her daughters living with us for 1 1/2 years and put them in a good private Christian school and have thrown our lives into them, as our children have. Grandma (my sister) was very happy to let them come with us, so she did not have to take care of them. Although she tells a different story.

So after all this, the little 4 year old told us that mommy drove them to the park and that mommy said not to tell. Mommy is without a license because she wrecked her mothers care with alcohol and cocaine in her system. She is living with my sister who is now 1 1/2 hours away from us (she claims so she can help us out with the kids) and she told her daughter she was forbidden to driver her car. So I text my sister who is visiting on the East coast that her daughter has taken her car.

Here is where the problem always lies. My sister then proceeds to send me an e-mail that I should have gone to her daughter about this first and not to her and that it has caused her all this stress and she cannot do anything about it where she is at. Granted, but her daughter is a liar and I did not want to get the kids in the middle of it because they are the ones that told me. I text my sister back, why in the world would you leave her the car keys? Excuse, excuse, excuse. "I told her not too, I am disappointed" There is a HUGE history with this and it was almost laughable at that response. I told her that is like having a thief in the house and asking him not to steal!!!!

So I write back basically fed up with everything that she can handle it how ever she wants, but I am not going to be there when things fall apart and it will fall apart. So she writes back that I am like a little Hitler and I need to grow up and a bunch of nonsensical stuff that has nothing to do with what I wrote. She has a history of doing that too. It's like what in the world are you talking about!!!!!!!!

I have literally had it. She is someone that if you disagree with her - your a Pharisee, if you give an opinion and she does not like it your, well, Hitler I guess.

She makes no sense, she is rude, she is only out for herself, she lies, she is not helpful. When we took HER grandchildren in we asked if she could just watch them on the weekends, so we could have our family time with our children. So she says after doing it for only a month or two, "can you watch them half the weekends, because I need down time"!!!! Can you believe it? My husband said we would take 1 weekend, and he could not believe that she asked that. She has no job, she has not worked since her husband died, she had no children living with her at the time, and her husband was back on the East coast! We had our two kids, her 2 grand kids, and her middle child living with us!!!!!!!!!

It is like she is missing a link or something. I seriously think she has some mental problems. I cannot deal with it anymore. I told her I have had it and if she wants to work on her issues that I will only do it with my counselor or with my husband in the room. If I don't she twists things around and puts words in my mouth. She has been to counseling with me one time and everything she tried to say about me was laughable. Well she is worried about my finances....Counselor..."well you did give them permission to help you when you were in financial trouble. Well she tells me that I am untruthful....Counselor..."well you did lie about this that and the other. Well I only did that because...Counselor....it does not matter why you did it, it is still a lie and there is trust broken. It was very validating for me!

I have since found my voice and I call her on things now and she does not like it. And because she does not like, I think that is why she is so attacking verbally to me.

There it is with me now mentioning half of all the things that she has done to me and my family. When we said that we cannot afford to keep the kids in private school (we were spending our kids' college funds) that she would have to take them next school year, then she claimed that "we have got to make their mother responsible and have her take care of them because I feel like I am getting pressured into taking them and you guys should not have to either" My problem with this is that she has had no problem at all with us taking the girls in - until she was going to have to take them in.

After writing all this, it is hard to believe that my sister is really like this - but she is. How would you handle this situation????

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04/19/2012 04:23 PM
Peace77
Peace77  
Posts: 9080
Group Leader

Welcome Gwen!!

I can tell you how to handle it, but the choice is yours. For one thing , I am so sorry your sister treats you like this. I really feel she has emotional issues and possible an addiction to drugs as well.

Thankfully you have been so good to her..but there is a 'but' you are enabling her to use you and this is not good. She wont stop until you put your foot down and tell her the way it is. I feel for you, but an addict doesn't care about anything but themselves until she realizes she needs help , she will keep using your goodness you have done for her. But she is so out of it, she doesn't even appreciate a thing you have done for her....I hope this helps somewhat..someone else will come around and may give you better advise, all I really can do is support you and let you know you are a good woman to put up with this,,,,but enough is enough..I hope you can convince her to get help and soon before something terrible happens to her as well....

Prayers of Peace..

Patty


04/19/2012 04:43 PM
claphappy
claphappy  
Posts: 4022
VIP Member

Hi Gwen Welcome to Dys Fam. I really agree with Patty. I can also understand you did it for the kids. What ever you do now should not include her. It will be hard, as patterns form and she will come back over and over. Thank God for one child who understands what is going on, and realizes it. flowers do bloom in the desert.

04/19/2012 05:26 PM
GwenB
 
Posts: 6
New Member

Thank you so much for your reply. I do know that I have enabled her. Just before school started, I was not able to drop what I was doing to help her out with something, and she was just like, "well, this is just no going to work, and it is unacceptable" and I tried to tell her that she cannot possible be made at me? I have two other kids that were at orientation that I had to pick up 1/2 an hour and they......but she had hung up on me. That was my breaking point. I literally snapped. I called my friend and told her to pray for me and I would talk to her later, because I knew I was going to go ballistic. And I did. I was sorry for how I said some things because I was YELLING leaving a message, because of course she did not pick up. But I was not sorry for anything that I said. Then I sat down and wrote her an 8 page letter laying out ALL the junk she has put me and my family through, what I have done for her and what she has done for me - stress, sleepless nights, finances, etc. It was a one way relationship. In that letter I said, I am partly to blame because I let you treat me like that, but not anymore. And I quit talking to her - literally for 2 months. Then I had to start talking to her again, because of the girls and scheduling. So I know you can't be a doormat unless you lay down. I have tried so many times, and you are right. I cannot do it anymore! My husband is fine being the go between - he thinks she is mental too. She does not have a drug problem, but I think she has bi-polar, and she has been diagnosed with ADD and she is a money-holic??? Really has issues with finances. She lives in "put her name here" land. It is all about her with everything. I am cutting it off for good - it is unfortunate timing though, because my Mom is turning 70 next year and my niece's graduation is coming up - and I will have to grin and bear the graduation, but my mom should understand if we celebrate separately. I do have a best friend that wants to punch her out and is so in my corner. She is a huge blessing in my life and she was the one that actually encouraged me to go to counseling about my past. She is a prayer warrior and has spent many hours on her knees for me. The encouragement brought me to tears. God Bless!

04/22/2012 08:15 AM
Angela2
Angela2  
Posts: 2513
VIP Member

Gwen, welcome!

Life is short and I'm sorry things are this distressed between you and your sister. If she truly is a compulsive liar, I can't offer any suggestions because they are just impossible for me to understand or deal with.

Is there anyone in your family who could talk to your sister and encourage her to get help, or to actually take her in for help? Your husband? Your Mother? Supposedly the meds for bi-polar have improved greatly and could help her live a relatively normal and happy life. We have to remember that having this disorder is not her fault. It's her affliction. You could be spot-on about what her problem is.

As far as helping her family members, that is so wonderful of you. Just keep in mind that they are also your family members and you are generously and willingly helping them. It could make your sister feel inferior when you bring it up to her. I'd guess she already knows she's irresponsible and not contributing much, even if she doesn't admit it to you. It's indirectly helping your sister, but you're actually nurturing little people that you're related to and your sister may not be capable of doing it.

You've taken so much of the burden (and the joy) on yourself and if karma is real, you'll reap rewards for it some day. Years down the road when everyone is grown, you and your family will hold a special place in their hearts.

Don't give up on your sister yet. If you feel you can't deal with her right now, keep your distance, but you may want to learn if there are options for her to get help so she's better functioning and easier to deal with. If being bi-polar is the main problem, you'll be happy you went the extra mile and I'm wondering if you and other family members could do an intervention. If it turns out there is something else wrong and meds won't help it, that's when it's time to consider other options.

Post edited by: Angela2, at: 04/22/2012 08:31 AM


04/22/2012 10:56 AM
GwenB
 
Posts: 6
New Member

That is a good question Angela2. Because she can function "normally" in one area of her life - midwifery. But all other aspects are chaos. Plus I can from a family that always wants to keep the peace and no one talks about anything, so therefore nothing ever gets fixed. My mother is one of those "I don't want to get in the middle of it" and I can totally see my sister not talking to her if she went with us on an intervention. It is hard when someone does not see that they have a problem. It is her life and she can do whatever she wants with it, but I am not going to be there anymore to bail her out. It is self preservation for me at this point. Thank you so much for you opinions and input. It is so appreciated, and I will talk to my mom and husband about it and see where it takes us.

04/22/2012 07:09 PM
Angela2
Angela2  
Posts: 2513
VIP Member

Gwen, let us know what your family decides to do.

I don't know a lot about bi-polar, but there are several things that people can have and they are capable of functioning well in one area of their lives and it's usually at work. There have been sociopathic serial killers who seemed perfectly normal and were high functioning at work.The same can be sald for many alcoholics. Maybe it's because we are on our best behavior there.

Your mother may get encouragement from the fact that if an intervention is successful and if bi-polar is the problem and your sister could get on the right meds and the right medical care, she could end up being appreciative that her family cared enough to force her to do something. She may not hold a grudge once her thinking becomes more clear. Unfortunately, people who have some of the worst problems don't see them even though everyone else around them does.

Good luck and let us know what happens.

Post edited by: Angela2, at: 04/22/2012 07:09 PM


12/23/2012 02:28 PM
GwenB
 
Posts: 6
New Member

Hey all. After much prayer and support, I decided that the best thing for me and my family was to cut off ties with my sister for a while. It has been great-no drama and dysfunction! I have not spoken to her for probably 6 months. I recently received an long letter from her saying she was diagnosed as having bi-polar, type 1. She also says she has been diagnosed with PTSD. I have my doubts that she has this. I know it is a very real and devastating disorder, but I also feel it is misused as a diagnosis too much. Anyway, I have not yet responded to her letter. I am not sure how to respond. She tends to use any diagnosis as an excuse for her actions and what I hear from her daughter is that she has not really changed. She just yells and goes off and the. Says "oh, it is my bi-polar or PTSD ". Like she has no responsibility to get it under control. She is on some meds, which is good if it helps. Another thing that concerns me is that she only started to get help and go back to church after a crisis, which I have seen many times before. My tendency is to respond that it is good she is trying to get help and leave it at that. Any suggestions?

Gwen


12/23/2012 05:13 PM
Peace77
Peace77  
Posts: 9080
Group Leader

Hi Gwen

It is probably best to stay away from her as you have, if its given you peace of mind.

But as far as bi-polar, I don't know much about but its a depressive disorder that can be helped by medicine. I too have PTSD, and it is real. Right now I am having a difficult time, but I would never tell my family this, as it would trigger me into a severe depression. PTSD is where you were put in a life-death situation, not of your doing. So its named a a near death experience with violence. Something that can actually make the headlines in your local news.

So I think you would of none this, unless it was caused by military stress. Or even worse, something you kept hidden since childhood.

But never can I use that as an excuse to do something I don't want to do. I just say I can't do that, no explanation needed. Most do understand.

I think if she is getting help this is wonderful, because she really needs it if she has any of these disorders.

Peace Always!!!

Post edited by: Peace77, at: 12/23/2012 05:14 PM


12/23/2012 06:39 PM
GwenB
 
Posts: 6
New Member

Thank you for your reply. I am sorry you are struggling. I hope that you have someone that you can talk to that will not trigger depression Sad I too suffer from depression and take meds for it, but I have been doing really well. I hope you have a good Christmas. 💓
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