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03/03/2012 08:48 PM

Issues with my mother-in-law

aj201010
Posts: 4
New Member

I haven't introduced myself yet but I just had to get this out or I was gonna go crazy. I'm warning you, it's a really long post so I don't blame you if you don't want to read it.

My husband is on SSI and he got one of his backpay payments this month. It was the second one, and the smallest amount out of the three checks. We spent most of the money already on things we need, paying people back and a little bit on some stuff for us.

We have been borrowing a HDTV that my mother-in-law owns and using it as our computer monitor because our computer monitor went out. So today, after most of the money is spent and what money we have left is supposed to go to tires for the car and some other things we need, my mother-in-law calls us and says she is coming over and taking the TV back.

Now that makes both me and my husband mad. The problem isn't that she wants it back, the problem is that she decides that she wants it back TODAY. She didn't say anything last week when we were planning out how we were going to spend the money.

So my husband told her that he was upset because she didn't tell us last week so that we would know before he got the money so that we could plan on buying a new one. Her excuse was "Well, I brought you a different one that will work with your computer." The problems with the one she brought us is it is 8 years old and our computer is only a couple years old. And we leave our computer on for most of the day because we use it throughout the day so I really doubt that one would last for more than 5 or 6 months.

So he told her that and he also said that he just would've appreciated knowing last week. And she got mad and started going off and calling him stupid. Now, my husband is the kind of person who will yell when he gets mad enough. And he will call names too and I didn't understand why and now I do. Because before he started getting really mad or anything she said something to him and ended the sentence with "stupid". It blew my mind that an almost 60 year old woman would call her 31 year old son stupid.

Also she has loaned us a lot of money to help us out so we have her money out of this backpay. She started going off about how much money she gave us and how now she doesn't have any money. She could have a job, she has a 21 year old son who supposedly could have a job, and we don't ever borrow money from her anymore and I'm trying my hardest to find a job. We help her out whenever we can by buying her dog food, giving her food, helping her out if she needs something fixed, whatever we can. We know she helped us and we are trying to pay her back.

And the other thing that makes me so mad about the whole thing is that she will get on our case when we cuss around our kids and make a huge deal about stuff that she doesn't think we're doing right as parents. And when my husband brings up the fact that she used to cuss in front of them, she will totally deny it even though all her sons have said the same thing. Yet there she is calling my husband stupid right in front of my kids.

So to top it all off she basically said we're on our own and she isn't helping us with anything anymore. She washes our kids clothes for us because we don't have a washer and we don't really have the money to go to the laundromat for 3 kids every 3 or 4 days. So now we have to find the money to do that, which is going to be next to impossible since our rent is 3/4 of our income.

I don't know what to do anymore. She causes so much stress in our lives, she doesn't respect our boundaries as parents and most of the time when she comes over what she talks about is how much money she doesn't have. And then she does stuff like this and calls in a week and asks to see my kids like she didn't cause us a huge problem. My husband says yes everytime too and forgives her like nothing is wrong.

Sorry about the very long post, I just really needed to get this off my chest cause it was really bad and I have been so stressed about it all day. If you didn't read it I don't blame you and if you did and you can offer some words of encouragment or advice I'd appreciate it.

Reply

03/03/2012 10:43 PM
Peace77
Peace77  
Posts: 9082
Group Leader

Hi Aj..Welcome to the group, I'm up late because I can't sleep.

Your post is not long at all and I'm happy you got some of this off of your mind.

Hope you don't mind my advise...but it's time to move a bit farther away from your Mother in law, things will just get worse if you don't. Do it slowly, first find something you can do for income, even if you have to go to a 3 week training program as a CNA. They pay well enough with your husbands SSI that you can get by on maybe renting a place that has appliances in them depending on the area you live in.

Your husband can take care of the kids, while your working.

I went back for a year of college a long time ago, but it paid off well. My husband and I both worked different shifts so we both had time with our son. We didn't have parents to help us and somehow we managed to buy a home.

It is possible to make it work, you have to use all resources out there for you. Your schooling would be free, due to your low income and medicaid would help to be your health ins.

Try to look around, and see the possibilities out there for you. There are more than you realize, but you have to give it your all to succeed. They have other programs also in secretarial positions where you would only need a few credits from college, that would only take 6 months. So many free opportunities that people just dont see. Use the computer to research, you will be amazed at what is out there...

Please keep us informed, wish only the best for you...

Welcome Hugs!!!

Patty


03/04/2012 12:30 PM
Angela2
Angela2  
Posts: 2513
VIP Member

AJ, welcome! Patty has so many encouraging suggestions and as I read your post, I was thinking of those things, but not as in-depth as Patty posted. She has excellent suggestions. The best thing you and your husband can do is find a way to be totally self supporting in order to break free of a situation that is disturbing your peace of mind.

Your mother in law seems to feel she has power over her son since she's been contributing heavily financially. There probably isn't a lot you can do about the financial situation between your family and her at this moment. If it's her tv and she asks for it back, the only thing you can do is give it back and thank her for the replacement she is bringing for you and loaning you the one you have now. It doesn't matter if you feel she's being difficult or upset because she didn't say something when you were doing your budget. What matters is that it belongs to her, she loaned it to you, and she can rightfully ask for it back. Thanking her for the replacement may make both of you feel better.

As far as the situation with the laundry, would it help if you (your husband, mainly) acknowledged that he realizes how much she has helped out and that he appreciates it? Would that make her more willing to continue doing it for a short period of time until you can get something else set up? It's possible that she feels she is helping out and isn't getting any recognition or "Thank you's" in return. I'm not saying that you don't show her your appreciation, just throwing possibilities out there.

Since your husband is on SSI, is he totally disabled or is he capable of working a p/t job. I'm only suggesting something that wouldn't be difficult work or long hours, or isn't that a possibility?

It doesn't sound like your mother in law is that well off financially either and as she's getting older, she is probably beginning to panic realizing she is helping her children out and has no nest egg of her own. As far as her 21 year old son, she may be starting to deal with him, too and you may be unaware of it.

Hopefully she has been generous with letting you and your husband know how much she appreciates the things you do for her. There are times families just forget to say, "Thank you" to one another, when they'll do that to others.

I have my own family struggles so I'm not judging, by any means. It just sounds like your situation is very salvageable if everyone is more considerate and gives the other a bit more space. As far as his mother calling your husband, "Stupid", it wasn't something necessary IMHO. It also doesn't seem necessary that she is giving you the impression that it's all or nothing. If your husband isn't obedient to her, he's out. That's my read on what she is saying and it's also unnecessary.

Do you think that any of this would help work things out and ease up on the hard feelings? It'd be sad if things got so far out of hand that your husband would no longer have his mom in his life since she seems to stand by him and help him out and also wants to be an attentive grandmother to her grandchildren. Good luck and let us know how things are going.

Post edited by: Angela2, at: 03/04/2012 12:35 PM


03/06/2012 03:17 PM
aj201010
Posts: 4
New Member

Peace77- We don't want to move away from the current school my kids are in because they have been great with two of my kids who have some special education needs. My kids love the school and it would be really hard for them to adjust to another school. Unfortunately, my mother-in-law lives two minutes from the school. So when we do move, I'm not sure how far away we will be moving. And if we do move far away, it probably won't be for years.

I have been thinking seriously about school. Right now I am working with my local Divison of Vocational Rehab to see if they can help me find a job and I've also been looking on my own for part or full time work. I know eventually, even if I do find a job, I am going to go to school because I am going to be the breadwinner of the family and I want to be making a good living and I want good things for me and my family.

Angela2- My husband can't work at all. He has permanent nerve damage in his back caused by a herniated disc and some herniated discs. The limitations his doctor have put on him are way to much for any reasonable accomodation for any company so he can't work part time. Plus he is on some very heavy narcotics and he gets 4-6 hours because of his pain of sleep a night so throughout the day he is taking naps.

And I tell my mother-in-law thank you constantly. When she drops off the laundry, when she is leaving, when she gives us a ride, when she watches the kids, when she brings us food, whenever I can I tell her thank you. My husband says thank you too and he used to acknowledge that she has helped us by loaning us money but when he did that she would just start going off about how broke she is now. So he stopped doing that because it would cause my anxiety to skyrocket and it'd make him mad because there was no point to her doing it. It didn't solve anything.

As far as her other son goes, the reason I say that about him is because she will call my husband and complain about how her 21 year old son has money and won't give her anything. It frusterates me because she makes it sound like she won't put her foot down and make him do anything or give her anything. He volunteers because they are on food stamps and according to her they love him where he volunteers and he could have a job there, so I'm sitting there thinking 'Well why doesn't he then?'. If she is dealing with him then she is lying to us about it.

Anyways, thank you both for the responses and I'm sorry it took awhile to get back to you. I'm sure I will be posting more about her because my husband and I have been together for about 8 years and this is just the latest. I'm glad I found this group and hopefully I will be around more often to help other people like you guys helped me. Thank you again.


03/07/2012 06:16 AM
Peace77
Peace77  
Posts: 9082
Group Leader

aj, I think its great your considering school. I just want for you to be happy and be confident that you are not alone. We all have problems, just trying our best to help you.

I , myself have the same back problems from the work I did all my life. My rt hip and shoulder are the worst and my hands too.

I'm on Norco 10/325 for the pain, up to 4x a day if needed and gabapentin 600 mgs a day. If I were to take the full dose of the Gabapentin, I would be a zombie...LOL...but it does help with spasms of the muscles that pinch the nerves...

I wonder if I could collect SSDI...put enough money into it..I'm not sure, I heard of everyone getting rejected..but I might try.

It sounds pretty tough on you with 3 kids, and helping your husband too..all of that is pretty stressful on you, I'm sure at times you feel you have the whole world on your shoulders, I can relate to that...

Rant or talk it out here, we can carry you to help you...

Were always here for you...

Caring hugs..

Patty


03/10/2012 05:24 PM
Angela2
Angela2  
Posts: 2513
VIP Member

AJ, that's sweet of you to acknowledge how appreciative you are to your mother in law. She's probably just torn between helping her sons out in life and saving for her own future and since she's 60 already, time for saving is running short. It doesn't really sound like she's a nasty or selfish person so you're blessed there. Sometimes family members just do something that is so irritating and it keeps building up and maybe that's what's happening in your situation.

Since her 21 year old son isn't working, where does he get the money from? Does he help her with any of the bills since he lives with her?

I understand about your husband's back situation. As someone who has had six herniated discs and other back issues, two back surgeries, I know it can be a struggle. I do moderate physical labor and some days are long and hard, but since I also have fibromyalgia, I have to keep moving or I'd be in a wheelchair. I hope everything is working out for you and please keep us informed.

Patty, I've seen people get disability who are in much better shape then I'm in, but seen others who really seem to be suffering get turned down time and time again. I've heard that it has a lot to do with your medical paper trail and those who have been under constant medical care for years seem to have a better chance. Is that your situation? Honestly, you sometimes have to wonder what all goes into their decision making as to who is disabled and who isn't.


03/14/2012 12:01 PM
aj201010
Posts: 4
New Member

Sorry it took so long to reply Angela, I haven't been able to get on the computer in awhile. I know she is panicking and she wants to help, but sometimes I want to just tell her to never talk to us again because some of the stuff she brings on herself. For example, we gave her 350 dollars to help her out in February. She didn't pay her cell phone bill which was past due, any of her electric bill, or her comcast bill.

It seems like all she wants to do is find a reason to come over and go off about how she doesn't have any money. It gets so frusterating and stressful to hear that 2, 3, 4 times a week and to know that she is going to do that before she comes down. And if me or my husband try to tell her that she is doing anything that upsets either of us she will get mad, go off about all the stuff we do wrong, start crying and slam the door and leave. It is nearly impossible to talk to her. I don't know what to do besides try to avoid seeing her as much as possible.

Her 21 year old son fixes computers for people for money and also gets computers from the thrift store and sells them. She says he doesn't help with any of the bills and I don't know why he doesn't help with the bills, especially since when we were living with her we weren't allowed to live there unless we gave her half of our money. She won't make him do anything.

This is another topic that really frusterates me because her house is supposedly full of his stuff but she won't make him get rid of it, yet she goes off all the time about how lazy and selfish and inconsiderate he is. And like I said in the first post, he volunteers and my MIL says that they love him down there and they want him to apply for a job, but he isn't working there. I'm just so over her right now. But he is my MILs baby, so she doesn't treat him the same.

Post edited by: aj201010, at: 03/14/2012 12:02 PM

Post edited by: aj201010, at: 03/14/2012 12:03 PM


03/14/2012 10:04 PM
Peace77
Peace77  
Posts: 9082
Group Leader

Aj, Hi..Sometimes different siblings of a family are treated a bit different from the others. I came from a family of 9 kids, so I know well how this feels. But I also know how the youngest feel too. Sometimes they just dont want to leave the security of being with parents until a certain age. I didn't have that with our big family..soon as you were 18 you were out the door.

Talk about neglect and being scared so young..I was very afraid.

So it does differ from child to child.

No real good answer for that..it really is very sad...

Big Kind Hugs

Patty


03/15/2012 07:23 PM
aj201010
Posts: 4
New Member

Thank you for all the suggestions and kind words, it felt good getting it out. That isn't all of it, but I do feel a little better. I'm glad I found this group Smile

03/18/2012 09:21 AM
Angela2
Angela2  
Posts: 2513
VIP Member

AJ, we're glad you found us, too! We're happy to have you with us!
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