Dysfunctional Families Online Support Group

Hi, I am also on the emotional abuse support gp. I lived three

hours away from my family for 18 years and now that I have left

a emotional/violent husband im feeling stress about all the family dysfunction.

A short desscription - I have a half brother that my parents adore and live in denial about all of his short commings. I have one sister and another brother from my Mothers first marrage which she finds all faults with.

My sister and my mother do not even speak anymore. My Mother plays games..Not answering the phone when we call says she doesn't want my sister and brother at her funeral even though we havn't done the abusive things my half brother has done that she adores. She bought him a hugh house on a lake because he had bankruptsy because of his carelessness with money. He is abusive to his wife, my mother and his three kids. But my mother makes up excuses for him. Like yesterday she said he fell and hit his head when he was little..OMG I can't believe she said that. she is in denial....is the way i see it.

Example of words from yesterday that bothers me. I went to visit her and every time I visit she brings up that us kids don't get together at Christmas or Thanksgiving. I said well we have all been thru a lot. Then I had to listen to a 30 minute speech of her telling me about all the stuff her parents put her thru when she was little. I said I wasn't talking about anything you put us thru when we were kids. I was talking about us kids not getting along.

Another incident from the same day - I received a phone call on my cell phone from my Dad and had just left him a message prior to arriving at my Mothers house and she said you can answer it but instead of answering it I sent the call to vmail and said he calls me three times a week. She said well he just cares about you. Again I wasn't trying to say it was bad that he calls me three times a week, I was just trying to say that It couldn't be too important because I had just talked to him. Anyway she NEVER calls me. My Aunt that I love and adore was rushed to the Hospital last weekend and she called me but didnt leave a message or anything. The next morning I noticed my cell phone had a missed call from her and on my lunch break I called her to see if she needed me for something and that is when she told me my Aunt was rushed to the hospital. So that night I said Mother if you hear anything from my Aunt would you please leave me a message..Well guess what!!! she didnt..and I believe she didn't on purpose.

Im really struggling with all of this...am I just being too sensitive as she says me and my sister are..That is how she has labeled me and my sister..we are too sensitive..even though she stays mad at us about every thing. Im sorry about the flow of my writing..i am not very good at putting my words down on paper.

Hi

Dont worry about the way you write, i do the same so its not a big deal.

It really sounds like a lot of sibling jealousy caused by your parents, and this happens in divorce situation most times depending on the parents, It's very sad because nobody is really at fault and the arguments just keep going on and on, which makes little sense if any at all.

Try to take yourself away from the situation for awhile and give your heart a rest, it may get worse or it could get better. If everyone were willing to get together and talk about the problems and maybe make a pact to help improve the confusion of so many problems at once...I feel it may , could be resolved so you can be a united family again or at least try....

Peace

Thank you. I think that is a good idea...will try seperating

myself for a while and take a breath.

Good Luck!! Let us know how it goes...lots of Hugs!!

Peace....

Trying, welcome!

Peace is definitely right about the sibling rivalry that seems to be caused by the parents themselves.

Often when one child is always in trouble and has a strong personality, the parents cling to that child and bend over backwards to do things for them. For some reason, they fear being abandoned by that child or worse yet, abused by them, whether it be verbal or physical. They don't realize how the nicer, milder children are being affected by it all. I guess they think they can buy the love of that child and turn that child into a loving and responsible human being.

Your mothers denial sounds like it's very strong. If she is saying that he fell and hit his head as a child, she inwardly knows there is something wrong with him. If she crosses him, she could become his target and that's the last thing anyone would want to be.

Since your mother decided to tell you about all that she went through when she thought you were referring to a bad childhood because of her, do you think she feels that she wasn't a good mother so she was heading you off with any accusations or making justifications for things she may have done when you were a child?

You aren't being too sensitive. It sounds more like your mother is being thoughtless and playing games and doesn't want to be called on it. It's easier for her to place the blame on a flaw in you and your sister then to take the responsibility for being thoughtless.

Your writing is fine. I understood everything you were saying. We're happy to have you here!

thank you for responding..Your post brings clarity to my question.

My Mother has told me that she resented having to raise us alone. We actually had to move in with my Grandmother since she had three children and she and my dad divorced when i was three months old. thank God for my grandmothers love.. or I would have never felt love.

Someone suggested a book for me to read "the family" but I havn't been able to bring myself to read it yet.

Your Grandmother was a blessing for you, thankfully.

Did you get the book from the library or did you buy it,it really sounds good to read.

caring,Patty

Trying, Welcome to the group! That's terrible that your mother resisted raising you alone. I was both mother and father to my daughter with no regrets. My ex was in the Air Force, he decided he wanted to be gone more than home. He had to go a few times, but a few times he didn't but chose to, which eventually led to divorce. He could never face me when he had a problem, did it behind my back. When he wished me happy birthday for the last time, he went to a lawyer and filed for divorce in hope I'd hate every birthday I have after that. I will never let that low life ruin my birthday, but made me hate him forever, and I'm not one to feel that way, but I still feel that way, probably will always. He basically abandoned me and my daughter. He was so much of a low life, on the child support checks he sent, he'd be putting the months he had left to pay it. Sick, and discusting, so I know how your feeling. Your Grandmother is a blessing for you. The book sounds like a great read. GBHugs, Donna

Post edited by: DonnaEvans77, at: 02/22/2012 06:06 AM

My Mother almost never calls me. My step father died four years ago and I made it a point to call my Mother every other day for three years to say Hi how are you..chat about

anything she wanted to chat about. I lived three hours away and it was long distance for her and I figured that was why she never called me. But I since I went thru my divorce one year ago and moved 20 minutes from her she still never calls me. I called her 5 or 6 times a week after I moved back then narrowed it down to calling her three times a week and now I havn't called her in two weeks and I don't hear a word from her. The few times she did call me I would say well thank you for calling! I know she doesn't call my sister or my older brother but she does call my half brother that she adores. Should I just stop calling her?? if i ask her why she doesn't call me she will make something up or start calling me because I asked her to.

Trying..Great to hear from you again!!

Please try to not be concerned about why she doesn't call you, she may be going through a bad depression losing your step-father 4 years ago.

I know, I lost both my parents..and my Mom died at 59. We always talked on the phone, and we never thought who called whom.

Life is too short..please know I mean this from my heart. When my Mom died I was devastated. I even had dreams after she passed away we would talk on the phone from here to Heaven. This went on for a long time , only to wake to tears of heartbroken words I couldn't remember. Except as I awoke, I heard the words from the dream I love you , come see me tomorrow. I always did too..I had no idea she was going to die at 59...so hard.

So please grin and realize how much more time on Earth you may have compared to her...ya just never know. Since your living closer now, maybe you can visit, she maybe lonely for company...just thinking..

Peace to you...

Patty