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03/29/2011 09:24 PM

I am stressed to the max big time and can't

stillhopeful
stillhopeful  
Posts: 5077
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understand what the heck is going on. I don't even know where to begin. Most of you probably know by now that hubby and I have a very small place in Florida that we use as our winter home, yes we will officially be snow birds when hubby retires in July (end of). 4 month and 1 day from now. Let's get to the problem.

Traveling takes a lot out of me, with all the packing, cleaning, especially when you have someone coming in to use it after you are gone. They are friends, and I am especially geeked because it is a friend. Anyway, I have been terribly exhausted and mom has asked me to take her to a doctor appointment last Wed. or Thurs. Day doesn't matter. She knows that she can never be assured that I will feel up to it and she may have to get someone else. (Let me add here, that she sold her car cause she said she couldn't afford it and insurance) then proceeded to go on an Alaskan Cruise. Also she orders from QVC many times daily, yet again cannot afford to keep a car) She has some friends and other relatives that live closer that could take her, the small city bus that will take her anywhere in the downriver area, but she is way above that. No, it must be one of her three daughters, she says her needs are much more important than ours. It gets lots better, or I should say worse. I did not take her to the doc the other day and had hubby call her so she would have time to either find someone else, or reschedule the appointment. Well, she was nasty to him on the phone that morning so he should have not even stopped on the way home. But being the kind of person he is (very kind most of the time) he stopped at her house on the way home to drop off some things she asked us to pick up for her.

Well, when he got there, he got hit with the, "I knew she wouldn't take me to the doctors appointment", she uses her sickness to do and not do whatever pleases her. She told him that if I want to do something, I can certainly do it. Well, she wasn't there last year when I did not get off the ship while we took our cruise one day because I was sick (not motion because I don't get that), missed dinner as well, she doesn't know either that a year ago St. Patty's Day, I couldn't go because I was sick, I had paid for the tickets and they are not refundable, and I am frugal, so I didn't do it because I was having fun, duh?? And all the other fun times I missed because I WAS SICK!!!! Devil Devil mommy dearest

She also went on to tell him, that she was happy that he married me because anyone else would have beat the sh!t out of me.

Also, she thought I was demanding from the day I was born??!! How is that?? How can an innocent baby be considered demanding?? Maybe collicky, I did suffer from a seizure disorder which turned out to be systemic lupus, and if she was talking about that, how could she called that demanding? Wouldn't you want to take care of your child and find out what was happening and WANT to be with them at all times at the hospital and stay right on top of it?? Well, that didn't happen to me. She came very infrequentlySad She was one of those parents that never went to anything of mine, but God Bless his heart, my dad would always go. RIP dad, you were and will always be special to me.

She also told my sister that my sister (who has mental issues herself) that she was a much nicer person when she was not with me. What does that mean?

My mom also said that I have a husband, as do both my other sisters, but that she has no one. Well, for one thing, if she treated us decently, she would have us, but she treats me and my one sis like crap and the other sister is treated like the most precious babe ever born to this earth. This is no lie, or stretch of the imagination. When I had surgeries or was sick in the past, my mother never came over to "help me" which I did not expect at her age, but my mother in law was right here, tending to my every need and then some. My MIL is one of the kindest people you would ever meet in the world. There are many more things my mother said, but my hubby is in bed so I can't ask him, but I will add them up tomorrow and give an extended list. She just went start raving mad. I want to tell her that may since I was such a burden and did sooooo many things wrong, she should have aborted me and made her life easier and happier. I'm not the type of person to say anything about abortion, it's just that I hurt so deep and the anger is at a boiling point and I think I would say anything if she called and caught me off guard. She called while I was in the shower today and I didn't call back. Her voice sounded like all was well with us. Well, I hate to break her the news, but it's not. Oh yes, another thing she said is that Jim kisses my a$$. Her exact words, just fill in the dollar signs. I wonder if she thinks he didn't tell me because he is so good to me (and wanted to protect me??), but she is wrong if she thinks that. She will not be getting a phone call from me, and right now (I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SAY THIS) but I really don't care if I ever talk to her again and feel no remorse for feeling that way. My heart is aching, and breaking, and I sit and cry and have called none of my friends here and hope I don't lose them, it's just been real difficult for me. I am going to write all her wicked words down for my therapist and psychologist and get their opinions.

In the mean time, I would love to hear how many of you have had similar situations, and how you handled it. Right now, I do not want to ever see or talk to my mom again. I want to be adopted. Anyone here want to adopt a 58 yo gal?? I hope age isn't a problem for prospective adoptive moms. I've been through all the bad stages, and was an angel. even during the times other kids were getting into trouble in the 70's. What good is it to be a nice person if your own mom, flesh and blood doesn't even love you?? She has told me that too, she is jealous of me, she thinks I have a perfect life and she wants that. Man, I wish I could give part of it to her. The illnesses her side of the family gave meTongue Sick Sorry for sounding disrepectful if that's what you think I am, but I cannot take this anymore. I need some love and her out of my life, just away from me so I don't have to see her.

Please reply if you have time and give me your opinion, good or bad, I (think) I can take it, I'm a big girl.

Please will someone by my mom?? I know you are out there somewhere.

Love to all, and thank you for reading and for all your replies with honest answers.

Group Hug~

Christine

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03/30/2011 01:18 AM
nkier

Christine,

I will always be here for you. I know you need your time and I will let you work through this. I am so sorry you have to go through the type of relationship with your Mother as I have. I now call her my Bio Mother (BM). You know I am going on three years of ending the relationship with my Mother. I have NO regrets and every doctor I talk to feel this has had to happen. When a Mother is this abusive, it is their choice. We have to choose to live a healthy life and if it means it is without them, so be it. My Mother will go to her grave and I will not be there. I have had to mourne for her and let myself go through the death of the relationship. I too have heard so many words and she just won't stop. I am such a healthier person without her! Please feel free to contact me whenever you are ready. I am here for you. Much love,

Nickie


03/30/2011 02:16 AM
kathie111

Christine I so relate to your post as I have a mother very similar. She said to me that I rejected her when I was born, umm excuse me, even I understood that one. My mother was always jealous of me when i was little and was highly abusive of me. I grew up thinking wow i must be pathetic not even a mother can love me. But I was wrong, she was an emotionally sick person and I learnt that what came out of her was a reflection of her and not of me.

I learnt to forgive her for all the abuse i suffered at her hands and her tongue for my sake. I have never had a mum I can go to for help, a talk etc. My dad is also dead and he was my shining light. I feel your pain. I learnt to detach with love and in time I lead my mum to christ, i sincerely thought the church would cave in when she came, but it did not and I slowly watched her become a much nicer person, but I am always wary as I know what she is capable of. All the therapists told me I should never see her again, but i was unable to do this.......luv and hugs


03/30/2011 06:33 AM
nanavick
nanavick  
Posts: 772
Member

My mom was not abusive, she just wasn't there for me, she really never was as she said she felt such guilt for not wanting my sister who was born 21 months after me. Dad says he had to make-up for hating her after she was born because mom had some complications and they didn't know if she was going to make it. Any way I guess guilt can be a powerful thing makes people do things that aren't always right. My mom passed in Oct. last year and sis and I are going through somethings, we keep finding that Mom has given her alot of things like baby spoons, and dolls, ect. that I have never recieved, she feels bad but I told her maybe we will find mine later and that it isn't her fault Mom gave the stuff to her. I really don't have any advice about parents except that they are human and humans make mistakes, it is not fair that they hurt one over the other, but it really isn't anything we have done just circustances. My daughter has systemic lupus and I would never call her a burden, I probably spend most of my time worrying about her and wish I could have the disease and not her. I too have spent many hours crying for the loss of my Mom, but when she actually did die I couldn't cry, she had been gone for years, and I had already moarned my loss, I did go to the funeral though as I needed to be there for everyone else. Did I hate my Mom? No I truly loved her, I just didn't understand her at times. May you find peace with yourself and not worry about what your mom thinks, I know it is hard, but it is well worth the effort. I still get hurt feelings, but have learned to take life for what it is not what I would like it to be. Hugs Vickie

03/30/2011 07:10 AM
mem9113

Christine!

I'm so sorry your mom treated you this way, but then she always is treating you this way. I would try not speaking to her for just a while, separation for a while so that she can see how much she depends on you. I had to not speak to my parents for 6 months and it was very hard but I had to get the toxic sludge out of my life and I called them again and we are fine now, no more mean words, the only thing my father has said is that my mother found that she had a buldging disk at the base of her neck and when I told him so do I he said well its different when your 50 you can handle it better than when your 76? it hurts less because of my age? I just let it go, and I find that I just have to let alot of what they say roll right off me because they are old and lonely. Try not speaking to her for a while see if that helps her appreciate you more, or write down all your thoughts on paper, maybe she will have one of your sisters read it to her, writing it down will make you feel better, she is definitely not going to change at her age so you need to make the change that is going to be most helpful for you. imagesCA28K57V


03/30/2011 11:02 AM
tenged
tenged  
Posts: 223
Member

Dear Christine,

I can relate to a degree. My mother & I have had a lot of issues during my 20+ years as an adult. She knew my stepfather was a pedophile & yet she refused him but neglected to keep an eye on me! She alsobecame a Born Again Christian & immediately "forgave & forgot" the situation & expected me to do the same. During my healing process & therapy she insisted that my therapist was "brainwashing" me...we are very distant now-she thinks things are OK & I choose to let her or she'll remind me that I'm "dwelling on the past like I always do". I've purposefully removed myself from her in many ways & do a bit moreso every so often.

It sounds like the toxicity of yours is something you will decide what's best for you to do. Please know that I'm with & behind you all the way. If you ever need me, I'm a PM away...

hugs,

Kim


03/30/2011 02:05 PM
rondasreed
rondasreed  
Posts: 134
Member

I am new to the group and just wanted to say a big hello! I am curious...My mother refuses to admit to or apologize for anything-EVER. There is no way to heal or get past the crap if that doesn't happen. Am I right?

03/30/2011 03:06 PM
nanavick
nanavick  
Posts: 772
Member

Hi ronda welcome to the group. For me it is a constant struggle, my parents never thought they did anything wrong so there are times that I feel like a little kid that doesn't know how to coop. I also have trust issues. I try to forget the past I have forgiven them for their treatment but the forgetting is another thing. It is very hard and as I said it is a constant battle. Maybe if you got some counseling it would help. Again welcome to our little familly we are all a work in progress. Hugs Vickie

03/30/2011 03:36 PM
mem9113

Hi Ronda! Welcome!

Unfortunately with our parents if they bring it up it makes it true and they have to admit that they were wrong. I don't know what age your mother is but in my case there is a large elephant in the room that we just don't talk about and everything will be just fine. I cannot change the way my parents both think because well past a certain age, forget it, our memories are funny, as we age we remember things differently and she may really believe she didn't do anything wrong, my dad told everyone I was crazy and that he didn't do anything wrong. I kept my distance from them for 6 months and then I called and everything is fine now as long as we don't talk about it.


03/30/2011 11:44 PM
kathie111

Hi Rhonda, I would just like to say it is totally possible to heal from the past without any admission from anyone else. You only have to deal with your side of the camp, not theres. If they are unable to for whatever reason it does not mean that you cant heal from it and walk on into freedom from its effects. Luv and hugs to you
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