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03/21/2011 05:25 PM

Distance created by Dysfunction and Abuse

myworkinprogress
myworkinprogress  
Posts: 12
Member

I have been working slowly to establish a more meaning full realationship with my siblings. I am the oldest of 4. My father sexually abused me and my two brothers my sister 13 years younger than me was not, I was old enough by time she was born to let me know he'd be in jail if he ever touched her. And we shared a room so I could watch over her.

When we get together you can feel the distance. The small talk, the lack of truly knowing each other is starting to break my heart as I get older (I am 48). My sister is a very nervous person like my mom and will shut down when I try and talk about anything on a personal level, My brother who is closest to my age protects him self by working 90 hours a week and has shut out most all his child hood memories (he does remember being abused) we can't even talk about happy times we had together as kids. My brother 8 years young than me I'm very sure is BiPolar, I reach out, but never ever, hear back from him.

Oh if I had a magic wand to wave to let them know how lucky we are we have each other and we are our family and we could gain so much joy for us and our children by being close and having fun together. Doing the fun things we didn't get to as kids.

Anybody been in this type of situation. I want so much to rebuild what our parents stole. (my mother is even guiltier than my father, she let it happen)

Thanks, Deb

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03/21/2011 05:36 PM
patty777

Deb,

I can relate well. I came from a big family of 9 kids. Some of us were sexually abused by elder siblings. And the rest of us were mostly neglected in childhood. Not taught how to survive in life, we just fended for ourselves. I can remember back when my sis told me as soon as I walked I was on the streets as a young toddler...and thats when we lived in Chicago. So you can imagine what can happen, when no one knows or cares where there little girl was. But I thought that was normal, never knew anything different.

I'm learning so much in this group, lots to help us a long in this trial of how to make it to survive in a healthy way, after the damage was done...

Patty


03/21/2011 07:03 PM
mem9113

First I would like to say WELCOME Deb! and then I cannot relate to the sexual abuse part as that never happened to me, however I can relate to the distance between siblings. We watched our parents be distant from their families and siblings and our father pitted us against each other so that one would be jealous of the other all the time, my sister I never knew because she was much like my middle child always running away from home so she was never there and for a long time I blamed her for hurting my mother and making her cry all the time when she would run away. We now talk by email about every 6 months but she is very private and my brothers are not very social either so I don't think we will see each other until one of our parents pass. I think I rambled on and I just wanted to let you know that i understand the distance, once again welcome to the group!

03/22/2011 07:41 AM
nanavick
nanavick  
Posts: 772
Member

Deb don't give up on your siblings. I was abused by my oldest brother and there just didn't ever seem to be time for me when it came to Mom. I held that against my Sister and Little Brother for years as they got all of Mom's attention, well now that I am older and wiser I have tried to let the past go, it is not easy but I have enjoyed spending time with Sis. My older Brother has passed and so has Mom. I can't say that is the main reason for my feelings of wanting family around, but it was a push for me. Give your siblings some time and just be there for them when they need you eventually something will happen to make them come out of it, I was the one who stayed away and now I just want to relish my family. Hugs Vickie

03/22/2011 09:27 AM
Izzy87
Izzy87  
Posts: 2731
VIP Member

My little sister was touched innappropriately by my father when she was around eleven, but it didn't go very far (he would put his hand on her hip, hold her on his lap, I don't know if anything worse happened, she says if it did she doesn't remember it but when I asked her about me seeing her on his lap she burst into tears and started sobbing about how uncomfortable it made her but she never felt she could say anything) and she now (she is 21 years old) still doesn't want to call it sexual abuse and has decided not to address it, but she has pushed everyone in the family away through her entitled, demanding, and critical behavior. My dad was also emotionally abusive to my mom and has very negatively affected our sibling relationships; I have one other older sister and a younger brother. My older sister and I have been learning as much as we can about abuse and my father's behavior, as his abuse was VERY subtle to us, but my little brother doesn't realize he's following right in our dad's footsteps.

I'm so sorry. Our families are supposed to love and protect us. I don't know the answer yet to the sibling stuff; we are all young and still trying to find ourselves, and my two younger siblings have a radically different opinion of things than my older sister and myself. I often feel very pressured to keep everyone together, but it seems to be a losing battle. I can maintain closeness with my older sister, and am providing a place for my 19 year old brother to live while he gets his life together, but with my little sister, the one furthest from me, I can only keep up light conversation every once in a while and hopefully she will know I am here to listen if she needs me.

I'd be willing to bet that your mother was abused by your father too. I completely understand your feelings of betrayal, how else could you feel? So I am not trying to devalue those feelings or opinions...I'd bet your mother is hurting greatly as well for what happened, and she probably suffered greatly at his hands too. I don't know your situation or past, of course. I do a lot of research on abuse and the likelihood is VERY high that your mother was forced to operate in a state of constant fear. Not that it makes it ok! But I think the blame lies squarely with your father...what a terrible thing for him to do. I will never understand it.

Post edited by: Izzy87, at: 03/22/2011 09:29 AM


03/22/2011 04:26 PM
myworkinprogress
myworkinprogress  
Posts: 12
Member

Thank you, you have some very good points. Sincerely, Debby

03/23/2011 05:29 PM
patty777

This Statement..Distance created by Dysfunction and abuse, its just so honest and to the point. It is a cause of dysfunction...this distance can be in miles or in heart..but they both lead to an unhappy situation..?? So true,

but sad as well..

caring, Patty


03/25/2011 04:27 PM
patty777

This really is a great topic..if you think, being in a Dysfunctional family..Who wants it when we grow older? So no wonder people leave and move to different states...but it creates distance , not only in the relationship..but also in your heart..I wish I knew how to fix this problem..don't have the money to fly to Fl twice a year like I use to, so now my SIL feels I'm just ignoring her, but I'm not...its just that she feels she always wants to fix my life, and hen-pecks me

LOL...Its the truth though!!

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