Dysfunctional Families Online Support Group

My brother is 19, living at home, has dealt with some major anger issues and has shown emotionally abusive tendencies toward my mother. He has no job and no transportation. Most days he carpools with me as we attend the same university (20 miles away in a different city), other days he borrows my mom's car. Occasionally, when my mother feels he is showing complete lack of respect or not shouldering his share of housework, she doesn't let him use her car. So some days he just missses school. Today was a day he generally does not ride with me, due to my more restrictive schedule...but he called this morning asking if he could. I said yes. When this has happened before, he has stayed at our sister and brother-in-law's house for the night (they live in the same town as the university) so he wouldn't miss his afternoon classes. He doesn't like staying there (could write pages on that subject!) but anyway. We assumed he would stay there tonight as well. I asked him his plans before we parted for classes, he said he didn't know. I didn't ask more because so often I have scrambled to arrange things for him and he seems to expect it. I know my mother feels this way too, and we just can't function like that anymore.

Anyway...it's freezing outside. He left his wallet and ID at home and only has a light sweater. My mother has been worried about him so I texted my sister to see if he was there (the two of them are not speaking either) and he's not.

I want to be angry, and worried, but I'm just tired. My brother has gone to great lengths before to convince my mother that he's gone only to return in stoic, stony silence the next morning after she's spent the night frantic with worry. I want to shake him! My mom used to call me when they were arguing, wanting me to referee. She has since stopped and apologized for putting me in that position...she tries so hard. She's a good mom. I am angry with my brother for not seeing that. I feel like he's using her. I feel like he's endangering himself for some sort of disgusting manipulation tactic. I want to shrug and say, "So what? He's an adult, he'll have to take his consequences." But the only person I see hurting is my mother. And I loathe myself for wanting to step in, and loathe myself for being TOO FRIGGIN TIRED TO CARE ANYMORE.

I hope he comes home soon, if it were my son I would be out looking for him. But my son has disabilities, a little different. But if you don't hear from him soon, I would start calling his friends, last resort the police to file a missing person's report, just to be safe.

Caring Hugs, Patty

Have you ever watched the show Intervention? They bring in a person who is abusing alcohol or drugs, and give them ultimatums for their behavior. I suggest you google it, and see just how the therapists handle these issues, where you are being abused by a family member, which effects everyone, and see that once he realizes, if he does, he choice, if he continues this behavior, he will no longer get help. That he must enroll in an anger program, if he is to stay within the family.

And your mom and you need to google it, to see what they say you should do for help.

It's called Intervention,,,,,,I'll get the site,,, http://www.aetv.com/intervention/index.jsp . It is the same as if he is abusing drugs, because his drug of choice is anger.

I hope this helps, it's a very good program on how to end this vicious cycle, and so that you and your mom can take back your own lives.........

I hope this helps,

dd

I will check it out, thank you. He came back home this afternoon. My mom found him in her house with a suicide note, two cans of gasoline, and an empty bottle of hydrocodone...the hospital released him into my custody tonight. I talked with a social worker before I talked to him, we share the opinion that he didn't really intend to do it but is throwing a temper tantrum in an effort to punish my mother for not letting him use her car...ugh. I'm up to my ears in something yucky.

Izzy, I'm so happy to hear he is home with you now. He can follow up by getting a therapist, I'm sure. You are a very special sister to him, he will remember that forever, and when he does grow up he will be very protective of you, being that you care and love him as he needs at this time...

Special hugs for you,

Patty

We are going to a therapist together this afternoon (he went to a private session yesterday but asked that I come with him today) I don't know how it will go, seeing as to how I've had revelations that he's an abuser and I don't think he will confront that problem, so I'm worried it's just gonna be frustration for me. But he's safe, and my mom's safe, so life will go on!

Izzy...Thats a good start, that he asked you to participate in hid therapy session. Most won't if they are being defiant. If you are talking abuser of doing drugs, I wish they would have done a drug test on him. That way he could of got some really great help from the hospital. He may need detox if that's the case. Depending on what he takes. I hope thats not what you meant, because it may re-cycle itself again.

You may have to tell him to be truthful about everything, its hard I know. I went through it with one of my brothers and now he is doing wonderful , lives in Mn. and has an excellent job, owns his own home and two cars. He made it and I'm so very glad he didn't lose his life to drugs as my other brother did when he OD at age 23.

Please talk him into getting help if drugs are involved...

Gentle hugs...keep us informed how you are dealing with this, its so hard on us, the ones who help are siblings out...tough love, is very hard...hugs, patty

It is such a great intervention. A therapist can see both sides and let you know, and him know, what parts should be altered to create a better living environment.

I think by him asking you to go, is a brave move for him, as he may have asked because he is scared to confront that he has a problem, and wants you there for safety reasons.

When the therapist asks you what's going on, be honest in a way that is not pointing fingers, but shows with words exactly how your mom and your life are affected by this.

Having a third person there, will make him have to see himself, in someone elses eyes.

The therapist will be fair, most are.

Please let us know how it goes. And keep looking at the intervention link to see how they fix the lives of those, that are seeking it. And what not to do anymore if the one who needs help, refuses it. Both you and your mom deserve tranquility and me time in your lives. I'm rooting for you!!!!

when I say he's an abuser, its not substance abuse, but emotional, verbal, and physical abuse of my mother. He knows my opinion of his actions and that's why I'm worried the real problem won't be confronted because he feels completely in the right with the way he treats her. He believes its justified and she deserves it. I'm just weary of the whole thing.

His counseling session with me today was about his thoughts/plans of suicide and developing a safety plan for him. It was hard for me to take seriously, because I believe his threats are for the purpose of punishing and manipulating our mom.

Izzy, I'm sorry that got confused. I hope he comes out with that fact, it has so much to do with mental health issues, anger and suicide. I'm so sorry, I can relate, my son has some pretty bad rages too. Just keep him feeling safe until you get a diagnosis for him. In that case if he told them that at the hospital, I think he would of had a longer stay as well.

Gentle hugs, patty...PS. Do you feel safe with him? I sure hope you do...thinking of you..