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Dual Diagnosed--One Step from Hell! by James Rist Dear group members, I 'll share this with you, my experience, but it does not necessarily mean that you and others will ever experience the same. Yesterday, I had a colonoscopy with twilight sleep (Demerol and Versed). I had cautioned everyone involved as to the use of addicitive substances. While the Versed is not necessarily addictive it subdues awareness and induces a relaxed and cooperative state of mind. Demerol is a powerful sedative, an opioid substance like morphine. I went into surgery with a controlled state of calm--mentally, physically, and emotionally. My last recollection before sedation was happy and humorous dialogue. All my vitals complemented my state of mind--low blood pressure, low heart rate, easy respiration--no stress evident. After the colonoscopy and some minor surgery, I spent a day in absolute euphoria, with a craving for food. I could not function well, and I stayed more or less offline at MDJ. Toward the end of the day I felt excited, elated, energetic, and giddy for a short period, then I crashed into a deep sleep. Early this morning I awoke with feelings of agitation, high anxiety, confusion, and the nearly overpowering delusion that I should just "chuck everything"--recovery, AA, friends, books, EVERTHING that I have worked at for five years! It is a miracle that I recognized that state of mind, because, along with it I felt a craving for more euphoria---for the state of relaxation and comfort I had always sought through booze and drugs. I called into the surgery center to tell them what I was experiencing, and they promised to have somebody "call me back." So, no 1, I had talked to them about it. No. 2, I got onto the forum and began sending greetings to newcomers. No. 3, I wrote a post about craving and about the mindset which I was at the time experiencing. That was a blessing, because I have been seeking to explain the mindset which makes dual diagnosis so difficult to treat. No. 4, after I post this, I am going to call my sponsor. The point is, I believe, that the reaction I had to those drugs was a manic delusion, a near schizophrenic pre-occupation with destroying everything good. The only thing that seemed to pull me back was the sudden understanding that what I felt was not real! Still, I was THERE, at the limit of sanity--one step from Hell!! It just reinforces my belief that I am always only one critical choice away from disaster. Thank God for my recovery tools! Thanks to all of you for your support. Regards, Jim James A Rist
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