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04/25/2012 05:17 PM

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orchidsrme
orchidsrme  
Posts: 79
Member

Hi. I have been diagnosed with Bipolar 1. I have not been truthful to ANYONE. I have a problem with pain medication. The last bout of depression I had was after coming off of a variety of high dose pain medications. I was hospitalized. My urine came up dirty for opiates, but the hospital had just given me Vicodin for abdominal and head pain. So, they didn't know that I had more than that. I feel torn. I want to get help, but (I know but makes everything you said before it void), I don't want to be in real pain someday and not be able to get the help I need. It seems like it's hard enough to get help in my town. I do have arthritis and a herniated disc. I've gotten a couple handfuls of steroid injections, which I believe did help. When I was in the hospital I stayed clean for a month. My back didn't hurt! I relapsed but haven't gone back to full fledged using every day. I don't want to! I loved how great I felt at the hospital right before I left. I was manic, but I loved how full of life I felt. Does this even make any sense to anyone?!? It's like I'm just typing a bunch of nothing. I wrote in my diary on here, how I feel with the pills, and how I feel without them. I don't know what to do. Any advice would be great. I guess I feel ashamed too. I just want to feel happy. It seems like all of my life I've been this depressed little girl. The pills make me happy, creative, outgoing, and just feel good.... at first. Then after a while that goes away and I'm just depressed.
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04/26/2012 10:07 AM
kball
kball  
Posts: 955
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

Hello Welcome to the support group. We are glad you found us. We are here for you, you are not alone and it is important for you to know this. I understand feeling good and not want to give that feeling up ,but it is important for you to play the entire big picture out in your head,not just thinking about the good feeling, the big picture is the depression that comes over you after the good feeling is gone. See what goes up must come down,unfortunately. If you get help and on medication for your mental illness and your addiction then you have a chance at really being happy,happiness that won't go away after a little while. You will get to know yourself in a way that is healthy and get a chance to change things about yourself you don't like and you can be the person you want to be. An addict has to find out why they are trying to escape ,where is that pain from. They have to do this work in order to stay sober. I am manic with my bipolar without meds and I loved it,but life was full of drama,I was up and down. Now I am very content with my life and have peace of mind and true joy. It is hard work ,I won't lie but it is so worth it.

I am here for you no matter what you decide to do. I understand either decision and respect your choice. The choice is yours . You can get sober and healthy with your mental illness if you want it.

Sincerely,

Kris


04/26/2012 04:05 PM
orchidsrme
orchidsrme  
Posts: 79
Member

Thank you so much Kris. I really want to be sober and happy. I just want that happiness that I haven't had in so long. I've tried thinking over and over, why I try to medicate my pain. I don't know why. Is it easy for everyone to find out why they're self medicating? Thank you for saying that the happiness will come with work. It feels like it's not going to come right now. I feel like if I just had a couple pills I would feel better. It's also almost like I'm addicted to just the act of taking the pills. I probably should be honest with my counselor and tell her about my addiction, but I'm scared. I'm also ashamed. I've been seeing her for 2 years, and she just found out in February about my mania symptoms. I didn't tell her because I was ashamed. I told her again today about them and I really don't feel like we got anywhere with it. So, thanks again for responding to my post and I'm sure I'll be on here a lot, looking for a lot of support!

04/27/2012 12:34 PM
kball
kball  
Posts: 955
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

No it is not easy to find out why we use. That is where therapy comes in and can help. That is why you should be honest with her and tell her. She can't help you if she doesn't know what is going on with you. Sometimes it is a bunch of reasons why we use not just one thing. You can get hooked on the ritual of using,like a coke addict ,I loved playing with it on the mirror and cutting it into lines and then feeling it down my throat. I have heard alot of addicts say this. The ritual is part of the addiction sometimes.

It will get better as long as you work on yourself and get rid of the baggage inside,you will get happier and less stressed. You will notice a difference in time. it does take work but it is well worth it ,remember that.

Hang in there. You can do it!!!!!

kris


04/28/2012 04:14 AM
fleabag73
fleabag73  
Posts: 181
Member

This sounds very familiar to me and alot of ppl. I'm a bipolar too, so loving the mania is something I relate to I'm manic a majority of the time, and I can't say I hate it. I'm also a recovering heroin addict, with a head start on addiction by way of RX pain meds. THAT was the really tough one for me to even admit much less do anything about. My excuse was simply I loved the way they made me feel. I have alot of social issues due to my mental illness so I literally had to socially lubricate myself with pills and that gave me enuf help to function somewhat normally. The guilt that goes alot with doing that threw me under the bus big time. Guilt is VERY destructive to an addict, it creates a horrible cycle of WANTING to quit the shit then it just fuels another bender and before you know it you're strung out on these things and you're drowning in guilt you don't WANT to be like this but you KNOW it's a problem and having THAT shit hanging over your head just intensifies the use and welcome to addiction. I just numbed it even more, and that's how I got into heroin, peoples' eyes get REAL big when you say heroin, but know this, it's the grandfather of ALL opiates, therefore it's effects are much like pills but a whole lot stronger, ALOT of ppl who end up addicted to RX meds turn to heroin cuz it's so much cheaper than buyin street level pills. Back to the bipolar stuff, when I kicked heroin I didn't leave my house for two months, maybe longer. However I was still closetly poppin pills, so I really wasn't doing myself any favors. I kicked dope 09/05/09 then FINALLY got off the damn pills 12/10/11 and I've been clean since. But now that I've lost my crutch, I have a terrible time trying to go anywhere the fear is just too bad, it's pathetic that at my age (38) that I'm socially stunted like this, but that's part of recovery when you have addiction and mental illness. I felt like when I gave it ALL up that I lost my edge, I lost a part of myself. What I lost was years of my life(not that big a deal, I can't remember most of it anyway, LOL) But what I did manage to loose was that person this shit turned me into. I don't know what the hell I thought I was loosing in the first place, I didn't know who the hell I was when I first got clean, not a clue, but slowly I started to rebound and doing things that I used to do before I turned into a damn junkie. Today it feels good to know that ppl can depend on me again, I'm not the spawn of Satan anymore. But I can look at myself today without the GUILT!! I've mentioned the evils of guilt in alot of my posts, I truly believe that guilt can really be the ultimate downfall of any addict.

04/28/2012 11:08 AM
orchidsrme
orchidsrme  
Posts: 79
Member

I just feel empty. I want that feeling of creativity and not being shy. I've been in therapy for 2 years. I'm being honest with her now. The problem is that I repress my memories when they are bad, so we don't know for sure if I've been abused. I remember telling my grandma that my cousin touched me, but I don't remember him actually doing it. I've never had a healthy relationship. I go for the bad boys. I'll make it. Just gotta take it one day at a time, or one minute at a time. I stayed away from Heroin because I knew I would get hooked and then that would be the end. I'm wondering if the pills brought the bipolar out or if the bipolar has always been there. It's hard to say. Antidepressants always worked for the first couple of days and then I was back to depressed. I guess they weren't really working. I would just get a ton of energy, no appetite, and nothing made me sad! Thanks for responding to the post Smile

04/29/2012 10:39 AM
kball
kball  
Posts: 955
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

Antidepressants don't wok on me for long either. They do at first then they stop. I feel different now that I am on meds for the bipolar and other mental illnesses. I am not full of life that I use to be. I was always manic or hypo-manic and feeling good,until I would want to do something risky or exciting I thought. I miss who I used to be. It was hard finding my identity again after I changed. The doc says it is being normal,whatever that is,LOL. To me normal feel depressed almost.LOL That is because I was used to feeling so much and feeling so high with the mania.

I also go for the bad boys and I am hoping that I learn to have healthy relationships. Maybe I will pick the healthy ones instead of the bad boys.

As far as you feeling empty ,my doc says alot of the meds will do that,that is one of the side affects of some meds.

I agree with fleabag about the guilt issue. As a addict guilt kept me in the vicious cycle of using for years. I couldn't stay sober if I did not forgive myself for the things of the past. It took alot of work in the program and spiritually to do this.

We are here for each other.

You are doing good for taking it one day at a time and reaching out!!!!

Kris

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