afraid of what is coming.

i have finally done it, i have gone through all the money and am in debt for crack. may not sound so bad, but the thought makes me want to be so six feet under........ the money (this is in 5 months time) was $40,000.00, the mortgage has missed the first payment, electric and cable (don't care about cable but can't lose internet), water, credit cards (oh, not only out of money but maxed all cards.....)have had no payments, all are calling me. have also borrowed money. So upset about this point, borrowed from my grandparents, they are everything to me, i am the "good" grandchild........borrowed 3 grand to pay taxes. Taxes sit at accountants, money gone. I think that i am far to "unselfish" to actually hurt myself, i belleve i would reach out before that would be a real option, however, all i say all day outloud, mainly to myself...."i wish i were dead", "i want to die".

and this is strange.....huge horrible tears pouring out......damn, i can always push them back, back and down deep.

I know, poor me......well, i don't feel that way. that is not entirely true...i know what i am and what i need to do. but i am so scared. scared to admit, scared to disappoint, but really afraid that (lets be honest right??) i don't want it bad enough. and the most fuc%ed up part........i think i am treading water, hoping to make it a couple/few more weeks until a nice chunck of money is transfered to me. if i am still here, in the same situation, i will fly through that cash...i will die then. i am paying off all debt when able to access. have girlfriend that thinks I am "better", but we had an agreement, under this she controls money, pays bills, i won't even have password....

but really, i don't see how i can make it even a few days longer...........money is gone. i have pets to feed.....god forbid i actually eat something. parents bringing grandparents to see my "new" house this saturday. not so new but first time. place is in need of serious attention. i know my wieght loss will be obvious.

This is really not "my story" not what i would write as an introduction. just slid past my "can deal with" line..........cuz i can't anymore. i do want to die, and am not strong or selfish enough to make that a reality. so i will just wish it every second. sorry about the vent.........i need help, i need an outlet to share, i NEED TO GET IT ALL OUT....

Thank you!

You are not responsible for your addiction, only for your recovery. There is nothing special about us. You are an addict. I am an addict. When we are using we do what addicts do. We will do anything to get high, our drug of choice is MORE.

Your family will not understand. Your girlfriend will not understand. But the other addicts in Narcotics Anonymous will. Your sponsor will. (Which if you don't have one now - you should get soon.)

Money problems have a way of working themselves out. These are material things. I have sat in the rooms next to people who killed their best friend. Killed them. Killed them.

Some of the greatest people I know used to be prostitutes, pimps or sold drugs to elementary kids to support their addictions. We have all done things we are ashamed of when we are using. We all dug holes that we didn't think we could ever get out of. That is the hope in the first step.

As bad as today is, I bet you still have a list of "not yets." It can always get worse. Using all but guarentees it.

I hope you get to a meeting. 90 meetings in 90 days. Find a sponsor. The program will work if you give it a chance. I have experienced it myself.

Today I am free of my past. I don't "regret the past, or wish to shut the door on it." I actually have fleeting moments of peace. I have great friends and support. I am not alone. Neither are you.

I must add I was one of the biggest pot heads around and do you know who I helpd responsible for my addiction ME and no body else just little old ME. Im the one who took the first hit bought my fist bag and down the line. I am also the one who made the choice to be drug free for 9 yrs and Do i ever regret any thing I have done nope cant change it and if I had to would I ? I really dont think so. Im not writting this for any one to think that I m a BItch or I should pull my head out of my ass. I have lived through alot . I have seen a lot of crazy shit and I came out just fine and If you put you mind and sole into getting better you will. The person who makes the choice to use is the person who made the choice to stop, and that RESPONSIBLITY for all the choices and mistake and enprovments in there life that are made.

tink

If you're reading this,I'm glad you made it back. Keep typing. Find meetings of Alcoholics anonymous or Narcotics anonymous near your home (online or in the phone book) meeting face to face has its benefits.

My experience was that I had to slowly end up 20,000 dollars in debt, be rescued by my mom who I am currently living with 7 months sober, quitting work, completely surrendering to my old way of life.

To put it simply, I am completely starting my view of life over and simply begining a new page, chapter, book, and volume, COMPLETE SURRENDER, cOMPLETE ADMISSION OF MY POWERLESSNESS AND UNMANEGABLE LIFE.

Are you willing to admit defeat and go to any length to have an enjoyable life this time around?

I'm bipolar and an addict who has fought long and hard for 10 years. If I can do it so can you. Don't stop believing.

Which of these 2 things do you need to examine- admission or coming to believe????????????????????????????????????????????????????? ?????

Hope,

Jeff Davis

i pray it can all just end......

best wishes friend