Losing my son to drugs

after graduation it all fell apart.... I am not

sure how it all happend? He has lost his jobs

and has been missing on and off for months...

I have been so devasted by all of this trying to

understand WHAT WENT WRONG?

I have gone out searching for him just to know he

is alive! I don't understand how he can live with no money no job and roaming the streets from home to home.

I feel so helpless.

my son has a beautiful fiance and he is getting emotionally and verbally abusive to her (sort of like his father was to me...go figure), but I never thought this kid would do drugs. He was so clean all through highschool. A good kid. Straight. He has a major anger problem and if he speaks to me at all it is F you!!!! he will loose his beautiful girlfriend because of how he is treating her, and if she is smart she will move on...they need to get their lives together and maybe at some point in the future.

he even called my mom (an old lady) today to ask HER for money! I almost fear for her and myself because his ANGER is out of control. I am staying away, unless he came to me at the real real bottom, I would take a loan and pay for rehab. He thinks I am stupid to make these suggestions! I know it is not easy, but I am pretty tough. Not tempted to give him his portion of rent money, which his father has done apparently. His father is his main influence, but it seems he does nothing to really help. I am tired of the abuse, but can only offer so much ...every time I talk to him I end up in tears as he YELLS and hangs up on me. It is devastating.

The whole situation is extremely dysfunction with my ex husband. He wants to be in charge of everything and has not spoken to me for about 4 years now. He won't co parent. he did not tell me about the "intervention" he and my other kid had with my son. He wants to act like I am not the boys mom. He is sick and he is passing it on to our son.

I want you to know I will pray for your son. Also, I have encouraged mine to go to Narc. Annon. and to get into DETOX. He thinks I am crazy. He is so so angry and that scares me for his life. He is out of control now with drugs. It is too long a story to go into. Believe me, I sure never thought I would be facing this type of situation. I am a strong person, but I do cry. I just know too much about drugs...an ex boyfriend had been a heroin addict. I learned alot from him and he was still in the program and mentoring others. I know what an addict is capable of. I also have friends with kids bad off also. Just know we are not alone. You are in my prayers and your son too.

Thank you for your support and your so right I never thought I would be in this situation in my lifetime.....I only have one child and I came from a huge family I am the baby of 7 so I thought one child was going to be a piece of cake. Financially and stability, being able to provide for him more easily. I can relate to your sick ex.....My son's biological father was SICK also...but I married and my husband adopted my son. We were this lil family and THEN this happend........... Life really throws you some lemons sometimes. I use to think my ex was the worst thing I could of gone thru but it WASN'T it is this with my baby boy. I have been getting stronger but like you said the tears come and go when I am in his room or walking around the house...I miss him so much. I also can relate to drug addiction I have lost one of my OLDER brothers to heroin over dose and I think like how you feel I also feel so SAD cause I know how it can destroy a family.....I seen my mother suffer so much. I think I am stronger since I seen her not BE SO STRONG! Everyday goes by and I pray and pray for my son and all those lost kids out their.........They have no idea what they are putting us parents thru. You keep in touch.....and take care.

My kid has been asking for the money from an acct. I have control over that is for his use. I told him NO. He told me that he hopes I live a very very long, lonely and miserable life.

Sad. I feel so much like I cannot do anything, cause, actually you can't if they hate you. His father needs to be proactive, since he seems to have the influence. He needs rehab. Now, according to the fiance he lives with, he is abusing her verbally. He tells her off, yells at her that he no longer wants to be with her, ignores her, won't speak with her...alot of the same descriptions were almost identical to what his dad would be like with me.

It does make you feel you must be a piece of crap, but I know that is not the case and I have some very loving and supportive friends, thank God.

I pray at night each night for him and the fiance. I love him. Just like you do yours. Although, THEY have to be the ones to do the work.

Mine sort of has an attitude of entitlement, which is leading me to believe he is a narcissist. I believe his father to be one, but his father realy did not yell...he was negative in attitude, behavior, silent treatment, devaluing...and the kids all saw that, so why should they think THEY need to be loving to their mom, ya know what I mean. Big mistake people who stay in abusive relationships. Boy, I wish to God I would have listened to the red flags before I married that man.

Keep me posted on your son, please. It is nice to be able to share experiences and support.

he called me last night we had start out good conversation and then it got ugly...i made the mistake of caring and asking him if he reported to the court ordered drug class and somehow it turned out to be my fault.....I tell ya... but all in all i took him the paper work and he asked whatI suggested he do I told him and I slipped a personal note in their of course saying how much I love him. Thats it nothing big or huge just that......... I really felt like shit when I drove away I felt how come I just can't grab him and shake some sense into him I know my answers but yet my head gets so heavy with this............

Yes keep in touch I have not many to share my story with I feel alone only on this site can I say what I feel and share with others that can understand.

I feel you are doing the right thing and you know that when your son says those horrible things they do not mean it......I know easier said than done we are their MOTHER! right. What a horrible man you were married tooooooooooo... I think your situation could be worst if you were still under that man's thumb. I think you are being very supportive to the fiannce and who knows how long she will put up with it.......

Well lets see what the weekend brings. We will hang in their us moms for we have to be ready when they hit rock bottom........

it just gets crazier. my son is real mad. told me he hates me more than any other F'ing person on the face of the earth...all cause I won't hand of a small mutual fund to him. I am also figuring out that the fiance was trying to manipulate me. Make trouble. my ex husband has loaned him money. then they got my older kid to send me an e mail saying basically that my son owes money to people, and that he is recovering, and his recovery should not be jeopardized by me not allowing him access to his own money.

wow, again, I am the bad guy. Well, I stood my ground and said to my other son, all thru e mail, NO, and I also said it is not punitive, but this younger son of mine has skipped out on bill collectors to the tune of 12,000. yes...all that by the time the kid was 22. he is not 26 as of yesterday. he must have NO credit.

so, then my younger son, the one addicted, called my mom, and put his father on the phone to speak to my elderly mom...he told my mom my son is doing "better" and told her all the people loaning him money. gee..go figure. I know he was trying to soften up grandma to give this boy money. Do you think my ex will ever call m e? he has no balls. He is picking on my mom whom he has not called for the 5 years we have been apart. He is wanting money, and I know the manipultion. Thank goodness my mom did not offer, and I have lots of control over her money. It enrages me my ex husband does not handle this properly, and cannot co-parent. But obviously, he has a whole different take on what it is to help an addict.

I sent my son a letter also, for his birthday. It was a really nice one, and I enclosed Narc. Annonymous literature and phone numbers. I am sure he did not read the letter and tore it all up, but I am doing this because I care. I believe that my ex husband is wanting to be the good guy. but, in the process this boy might ver well not beat this addition. It is so sad. both my boys are not against me for not doleling out money. Oh well.

thanks for listening. I hope things might be better on your end with your son, but I know nothing changes too quickly with any of this. It is a long, long ordeal.

I can not believe that your EX and your other son are going up against you like this? Are they BLIND? Whats with your futur daughter in law how could she be like that? My suggestion to you would be STAY CALM AND QUIET do nothing stay away from them.......ALL of them even your addicted son....don't take calls and tell your mother to do the same. See what your silence does to them.......I have been in therapy since my whole ordeal with my own son and it is the best thing ever..I would of gone insane... But one thing I learned is Drug addicts love DRAMA and try and drag anyone that listens into their drama and we have to STAY OUT OF IT cause its not reality its false reality to them... Thats is just so sad their your EX is not helping out the situation.

I wish you the best and will pray for you that you have peace and silence.....you deserve that. Your son's words are not real right know you gotta know that. He loves you. You see the more I was out their searching for my son and knocking on doors and making a rucus the more it angered him and pushed him away the more I wanted to help... they hate that.....

I wait patiently and silently with prayer that everyday he will come home and be a changed son but I know that he has to do it on his own and I can not help him anymore. I love him so much and I am so sure you are the same.......

I have just purchased this book "Beautifull Boy" by David Sheff and i hear It's a # seller and I hope you like reading,,GET IT AND READ IT i really fall into tears reading it and it does help out in our sort of sitation.

Why are your boys so attached to Dad? are they living with him? Or is this Dad getting them on his side??

I still have not heard again from my son but I have to go on with my daysssss and In my broken heart i pray that he is safe out their and living.

thanks for your kindness and support. I have an appt. tomorrow for counseling. Thank God. I am also caretaking my elderly mom. THE ONLY ONE. she is getting dementia and blindness and so I have to do the stuff for her except she cleans her house OK. but other than that, do bills, see to all her appointments and groceries and gift buying. It is easier to do it myself cause it taks so long with her (i was there today, in fact and just got home to see your wonderfuly reply)....thanks again.

my ex is a narcissist. I read some stuff on Sam Vaknin's site and man, did it open my eyes when I was finally splitting from him, THAT AND the counselor we had gone to go see together. At the very end, the counselor told me I was in an abusive relationship and might suffer effects of post traumatic stress disorder too. At any rate, that is history, but with my ex having my son (the druggie) call my mom, and then he getting on the phone to this old lady and telling her about everyone else giving my son money to help with bills, hey, gee, does not take a genius to figure out, manipulating her to feel guilt and give in with money.

so, I am pretty sure she won't do it. I have lectured her and she does not get it about my ex, but that is OK. she understands the seriousness.

If you want to read my son's post on the ehealthforum.com, I will tell you which one it is and you can read how DRASTICALLY serious it is.

at any rate, at least he just turned 26, he is not a kid....if mine were 18, I would be beside myself as you are....do you have a husband to help you thru this and to talk to about it? I cannot remember if you said you did or are single.

divorces so effect kids.

one of my best friends has a son who is 22 and in rehab for the 3rd time. he has been in trouble with the law too, very very serious stuff with guns. If he does not make it, she said she is THROUGH. I cannot imagine. when they are older is is hard, but I think if mine was 18 I just would go crazy. No wonder your name is crazyapril.

Now the book you mentioned, YES...i saw it infact when I was at a Starbucks standing in line and ALMOST bought it. So, now, I think I will try and find it, and I am so sure it is heartwrenching, girl. Oh my gosh.

I pray for all the kids out there that are addicted to any awful awful stuff.

(p.s., my olest is 30, and he was so against his father, and now I think he is getting pulled in...my ex is still with the YOUNGER lady he was having the affair with when I finally got out.)....that is very hard on my kids and she has 4 little kids that there dad started raising when he was about 49, almost 50. This is hard for kids to adjust and see and think of this woman as "ok" cause to them, she broke up the marriage of their parents. (in reality, it was not the first time he cheated on me, however, i made sure this would be the LAST time he would ever cheat on me!) I am so blessed to have gotten out and trying to become the strong and independent person I was when I got married.

Please let me know when you hear from your son. I guess you are right...let him be out there, but darned, it is so hard...we try our best to chase them down, and at that age, you really felt that pull to do that. I would have and any decent mom would have.

I am glad you are in counseling and it is so so helping you out. If you get a good one, it is certainly a blessing. Stay strong, pray for your wisdom and grace, and that he be enveloped in the white light of the holy spirit (or whatever you do pray). I will keep you and your son in my prayers.