Drug Addiction Support Group

Hi everyone, my name's Kylie. I'm at a loss and really don't know what to do. My boyfriend is addicted to heroin. He's been using for about a year, but the addiction has really gotten bad over the past 6 months or so. I'm almost 31 weeks pregnant. It was unplanned. He keeps saying he'll quit before the baby's born, but the baby is due in August, so I'm not holding out much hope for that. I just don't know what to do. I want him to get help so I can depend on him and he can be involved. He's been supportive and went to all of my doctor appointments with me. He's 19 in college and his parents help pay a lot of his bills. They don't know what's going on. They know something's up, but they have no idea it's this bad. He avoids them for the most part now. Do I tell them? Maybe pressure from more people would help? I just don't want to make him angry and push him in the wrong direction. I'm just really scared and so frustrated. I don't know anyone who has been through this. Any suggestions?

You have to stop being afraid of making him angry, at what cost, by not confronting him you are only hurting yourself and the baby and ignoring his problem, Talk to him, tell him how you feel, he may get angry and turn it all around and blame you for everything, He will be in denai. An addict will do just about anything to avoid facing his addiction. You can't worry about making him angry, look at what he is doing to you.

I really understand what you are going through, I have done it alot, making choices, adapting to others view point, just so they like me or I don't make them angry, all at my expense, I would get bad anxiety attacks that lasted for days, weeks, because I was afraid to stand up for what I needed.

You need him to be clean, to be a father to your baby, he can't do it while he is still addicted.

It will be hard, very hard, but you have to make him face his demons, to fight to get clean, if talking to his parents will help then do it, do an intervention, he may listen if his family is telling him he needs to stop and get clean, go to meetings or rehab. Herion is a hard drug to stop, he will be very sick until the drug leaves his body and then he will have to deal w/ the issues that caused his addiction or he will relapse.

You are fighting for yourself and your baby, don't be afraid, be strong and proactive, do something before you lose him to his addiction or even death, Then what happens to you and your child.

Talk to him and let us know how it went, remember he will be in denial, but just keeping telling him he has to stop NOW. We are here to hold your hand and guide you. This will be very hard, alot of us here have been there, be strong, one day at a time and let us know how you are doing...we care..and want to help you....

Hi, there. Although Anamore is a group leader, has experience with addiction and is one of the most helpful people in here providing insights straight from the core of life, I have to disagree with one thing, ie to insist on confronting him. The key word here is "insist", otherwise I agree with Anamore 100%

You're pregnant, you obviously want this child and this should be a wonderful period in your life. Confront him, tell him how you feel and please, let his parents know, if you think they can help. By "help", I don't mean pay his bills, that is enabling.

Trust me, you don't want a heroin addict nodding off while changing diapers. You don't want money going missing. The stress that comes with living with an addict AND a newborn.

Depending on an addict is an oxymoron and it usually gets worse before getting better...

So getting back to "insisting" on the confrontation, maybe you could set a deadline. Addiction hates deadlines, so be prepared for some serious denial. Mean what you say and say what you mean when setting a time frame. You really need to be serious about this. You're already involved with someone who is addicted to one of the most powerfull drugs around. Only a few people find their way out and having a child is not always an incentive enough. Not even for women, i.e. the ones fundamentally responsible for the health of their child.

If you believe that his parents are people you can trust, talk to them, before it gets ugly.

By the way, do your parents know that his is on heroin and you are pregnant?

Post edited by: Pen125, at: 06/12/2012 08:36 AM

anamore - Thanks for the reply. I have confronted him before, more than once. It just ends up in an argument. Like you said, he usually just denies it. Well, he doesn't deny that it's going on, but he just either makes excuses for not getting clean right now or tries to make it about something else. He's "got control of it." But obviously not. It was bad enough when he started smoking it, but then the habit progressed really fast and he started shooting up after a few months. Now it's multiple times per day.

I know I back down way too easy when I confront him. I'm so bad at confrontation. I can't set ultimatums and stick to them either. I'm so weak.

I think talking to his parents would help. I know they'd freak out at first. His mom has asked me what's going on with him several times and I just make excuses for him or try to make it seem not so bad.

Pen125 - Thanks for your reply too.Back to telling his parents, I know it's something I need to do, and should do very soon. It sounds so stupid, but I have thought of telling them before. I've been so close to picking up the phone. But then I freeze and don't know what to say.

I don't live with him. I wouldn't live with him the way he is right now anyway.

I really feel the deadline is a good idea, but I just don't know if it'll work with him. I mean, he's been saying he'll get clean before the baby comes. Now we're only 2 months away and nothing.

My parents know I'm pregnant. It was probably the biggest disappointment of their lives. They're supportive though. They like my boyfriend, but they have no idea that he's on heroin. He avoids most people that would really suspect or care and he can often manage to time his fixes just right if he knows he has to be around people. I mean, they've asked me about it and mentioned the difference in him, but again, I just lie.

ok, if i may interject a couple things here. your lying to cover up what he is doing. make no mistake, there are few things that a heroin addict gives a damn about other than getting more heroin. with all the hurt and frustration your going through right now, this may sound harsh .. but it needs go be said. with most addicts .. especially heroin addicts, you can accuse, you can plead, you can start every argument in the book, you can threaten. but ... the ONLY way you will EVER make even a dent in their mindset, is to take action. whether it be ... cutting off money or rides or what ever.

depending on the situation, there are many different avenues of ACTION you can take.

yes, the addict is gunna get mad and call you everything in the book. make you feel GUILTY. they will get pissed at you and make you feel GUILTY.

they will eventually make you feel so GUILTY you WILL give in.

its the way the addiction game is played. when you talk to an addict about the problem " THEY DONT HAVE" that will only go so far. the more you talk the more excuses you get from them. the more opportunity THEY have to manipulate YOU.

and oh yes .. you WILL buy into it.

when you take action and do something to disable the food, living or money chain ... you have to stick to your guns. you will be told how much of an ass you are and how you dont care. blah blah blah. this is what HAPPENS.

they will tell they are going to kill themselves. baloney ...

i have NEVER EVER heard of an addict killing themselves because they couldnt get a fix. that is the one thing in their life they will stop at nothing to acquire.

sooo, take a stand. what are you providing them that you can take away. keeping in mind that you will .. mark my words .. you will end up living their life. yours is over ... just like theirs will be if they dont get help.

your life becomes theirs. your lying for him already.

take a stand, talk to who you have to.

there is one other thing i always look at.... it for sure sounds harsh. i told this one person, if you arent willing to step up ... then you have nothing to complain about. actions speak louder than words. dont allow yourself to get harmed in anyway. make sure you know when to COMPLETELY back off.

my best to you

Post edited by: odiebob, at: 06/12/2012 07:41 PM

Every time my parents stopped the enabling, ie cash flow, new car, food what have you, my brother threatened with suicide, driving them crazy and getting them back to where he wanted them to be.

His heroin addicted g/f got pregnant and didn't stop using, didn't ask for help, didn't change her horrid lifestyle a bit. Not one bit. Neither did my brother, of course.

Jobless, addicted and with no support network they are raising a child that will shortly become 2 years old.

Unfortunately, my brother is so lost in his foggy mind that, although he sees that he is totally wrong - he even admitted it to me by saying "oh yea, there was a period we kind of neglected the baby"- he is still where he's been all these years.

I'm talking about a 34 year old man who USED to be handsome, friendly, creative and very, very caring. It doesn't matter that he comes from a good family, doesn't matter that he holds two Master's degrees, nothing matters to him anymore but his fix.

In case you think I'm exaggerating, I'll tell you this: he saw our mom laying on the floor without a pulse and didn't blink. It was right after she found out about his addiction. I told him that our father is getting checked for cancer. He never asked how he's doing. Our grandmother died and he didn't even show up at the funeral. A month later, our aunt dies and guess what.

Addiction is not a game, it can mess YOUR life in ways you've never imagined.

You should definately come clean to both his and your parents and distance yourself from him and take it from there. From a safe distance.. Miracles do happen, but neither you nor the baby you carry are gods.

Post edited by: Pen125, at: 06/13/2012 12:57 PM

odiebob - Yeah, I've already seen the excuses and the guilt trip like you mentioned. Oh, and yeah, the problem they "don't have." Well, he admits to the problem. He knows it's wrong. At the same time, he says it's "under control" and not to worry. Yeah, right.

I don't really know what I could take away or cut off. He doesn't depend on me for anything.

Pen125 - I'm sorry about your brother. Thanks for sharing the info about him. Believe me, I know you're not exaggerating. My boyfriend isn't that bad yet, but I've seen enough to know how bad it is and will be. I've also realize how fast it can escalate. I don't think heroin is generally a drug you get into casually or slowly.

I'm going to try to tell his parents soon, but I don't want to distance myself from him. As hurtful and as frustrating as it is, I love him and am pathetically clingy to him.

well thats cool. enjoy the ride

"Pathetically" is the key word here.

Something's not right here... You write in a composed manner, you sound kind and gentle. But you and only you know why you don't want to distance yourself and your baby from a person that obviously is in denial. During his first years my brother kept repeating the "I control it, I can stop whenever I want".

However, since you are here, I can only guess that you are asking for help. Unfortunately, unless our loved one is ready to get help and stick to it, there's not much we can do. We can only protect ourselves. But, just like the addict, we too need to hit our own bottom, before we realise that we're addicted to the addict. I had to get physically sick before I asked for help. It took me years, years that I can't have back.

The saddest part is that a child is going to be exposed to a situation no one should go through. I hope you have a good pregancy and that you soon take steps into getting control of your life.

Post edited by: Pen125, at: 06/14/2012 01:18 AM

I'm not saying that I won't eventually distance myself. I'm just saying that I don't want to have to and that it will be incredibly hard. I know the baby should not be around any of it and doesn't deserve to be involved in the situation. I know that if he doesn't get clean by the time the baby's born, I shouldn't let him be around the baby at all. It's just so much harder to actually put these things in action. I have to find the willpower to say I'm going to do it and stick to what I say, which will be hard.

I don't know why it's so hard for me. You'd think it would be easy and that I'd be so tired of dealing with it that I'd distance myself without any problem. I honestly don't know why. I just love him and I love being around him when he's not completely loaded.