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12/04/2010 11:04 AM

In Love With A Meth Addict

thesoaringeagle
thesoaringeagle  
Posts: 12
Member

I guess that since this is my first post I will post here. For reasons of anonymity, I go by Eagle. It's easier this way.

So my story, basically, is that for the past 6 months I've been slowly but surely becoming more involved with a woman who is attempting to recover from methamphetamine addiction. The relationship itself has been pretty stable and to this point she has not done anything to financially exploit me or break my trust. When I am with her she is the most kind, loving, warm person I think I've ever been around in my life and we click on a level that is virtually unfathomable.

She has struggled with her addiction on and off for about 5 years, save for some jail time that she did a couple of years ago (obviously before I met her.) She was married and has 3 kids and is nearing 30. She is now separated. She lacks family support.

The relationship started to turn more serious in the last couple of months. It, obviously, is not based on drug use. I am not an addict and barely even drink.

The reason I met her is that she moved into a residential treatment facility nearby that happens to allow their clients out into the community. She would come out in the community and I'd be out and about, going about my day, and that's when I noticed her. Usually the people who stay at this facility look or act or behave in ways where I know that they live there, but she was different somehow. When she told me where she lived, I was pretty much shocked. The rest of her story shocked me even more. Family abuse. Sexual abuse. A lot of bad, bad things. She seemed pretty together, but as we would get together for coffee or a bite to eat, more and more of the story would come out. Where I could see joy in her, I could also see this deep-seeded sadness.

I told myself falling in love with her was a terrible idea. But good times were always so good. And as I've learned from my dating experience, every woman has baggage. Some just aren't so up-front about it.

She has not been sober at times the past 6 months. Even in the couple months we've been together more seriously, there have been one or two times when she has admitted to me that she has used. She's always been up-front with me about what she's done, when and where she's done it, and why she's done it. The area where we are is a pretty active drug area, which is part of why the fact there's a rehab in it has always baffled me since getting drugs is easy.

I've told myself it isn't my job to save her. That's up to the people who are in charge of her treatment. Because drugs aren't the focus of our relationship, it has been easier than I expected. But I know that no matter what, the love I have for her is in competition against a kind of personal demon that I cannot understand. I know the addiction, by her own admission, has created a rift between her and her family, her and her friends, her and her children, and I don't have any reason to believe the addiction will somehow discriminate and decide that it's okay to keep me around.

I considered NarcAnon, but with my schedule, the closest meeting I could find that I could even consider attempting to attend was 40 miles away, and as a grad student with a child myself (no, I have not brought her around my child yet, I hope to at some point but to this point I have not felt ready to for my own reasons,) money's an issue. I can't seem to find an online support group that fits. So I hope that I will be welcome here to read, to learn, and maybe get some support for myself. I love this woman. I hope that there can be a beautiful future with her. But I also am increasingly aware that her addiction could rear its ugly head and tear her life apart again, and this time, even though I believe she would not intentionally drag me down, she very well could.

Thank you for reading. And hopefully, maybe, understanding.

-Eagle

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12/04/2010 04:12 PM
anamore
anamore  
Posts: 4080
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

You sound like you are an intelligent person and have tried to cover all the basis, and you may have a happy future w/ her, You may be her savior, but remember all addicts lie, it could be a little lie, she may be high by you and you won't even know it. I know I did that w/ my bf alot.

You can find a NaAnon group online, they have regular meetings and they may help you to know what signs to look for. My husband was addicted to cocaine and heroin, I could tell when he did coke but was unaware of his heroin use until after his death. I was also an addict, I did catch him once doing heroin and told him don't start another addiction and just assumed he listened to me. He was such a smooth talker, alot of the time I could tell he was trying to con me, I was an addict too. and that's what we do. So be very careful how deeply you get involved w/ her, I hate to say this, because I don't know her but you might be walking into a nightmare. I lived it, I was there, I lied, cheated, stole and my bf had no clue until I ended up in the hospital near death and in a coma. Now he questions me, he drinks at times but has never done drugs or really know anything about them. So it was easy to hide it from him,

Does she live in a rehab in the community, do they have meetings that maybe you can attend w/ her, to see if she is being completely truthful w/ you. I do believe she is trying to be honest w/ you and she sees that you are a good person, someone she needs in her life desperately, so she will try and hold on to you. Living w/ an addiction can be a nightmare, the drug is evil, it makes you do evil things, it controls you, and you have to fight very hard to get away from it. She needs your love to give her the strength to fight the addiction and with your love and support she may do it and it won't enter into your relationship. But be very careful, I am sure she has lied about how many times she has been high by you, that is a usually one, one that all addicts use.

Try to look up the group online and try to learn what signs to look for, every drug is different, I never did meth, I had cocaine and opiates addictions. So keep posting and during the week when more members are on, I am sure you will get more responses. we are here to guide you, whenever you need to release your feelings or ask questions, also you can send me a PM if you want more of a one on one help. but the members in this group are very caring people, they know the pain of addiction, its a pain some will suffer for the rest of there lives. It killed my husband and everyday I feel the pain.

Also I live in a tourist area and we have eagle watch areas here, sometimes I will see one fly over my house, so big and beautiful and majestic,


12/04/2010 04:42 PM
steve571
steve571  
Posts: 2695
VIP Member

hello an welcolme..she sounds like a functioning tweeker to me..wich makes it harder for her to hit a bottom an want to stop using.it took the loke of good women make me finally get off the meth but if shes not fully ready to then gunna be hard..sounds like u wanna be there for her an thats good...so she knows u will be there for her ..tho it could backfire an she uses that as a crutch to fall back on when things get going bad again..is she self refered to this treatment center?wich would meen she wants help getting out that scene.she also needs to want to stop for her self ..not somone else..for resentments could pop up later on..have u thought about attending open meetings of narcotics anynmous?since other meetings u mentioned are so far away.her past is somthin that could haunt her for long time..reason keep using also..i know all about ...being with her have help her find way to let go of it to really help her to stop.

12/04/2010 09:04 PM
thesoaringeagle
thesoaringeagle  
Posts: 12
Member

Hey guys, thank you so much for the warm welcome. I will keep checking back. At work at the moment...the life of a grad student, our work schedule precludes us from going out on a Saturday night. It sucks.

She is visiting family tonight so I am not worried for the moment. She knows she can call me if it causes problems or makes her want to use, and she has support staff available to her as well.

-Eagle


12/05/2010 08:36 AM
thesoaringeagle
thesoaringeagle  
Posts: 12
Member

Oh guys, I just wanted to mention that I have FINALS this upcoming week and will be pretty socked in, so if there are responses to my post and I am not responding, I am NOT IGNORING YOU! I just am trying to not flunk out of grad school (kinda important, goes along with that "taking care of myself" bit that I have to do in general, and ESPECIALLY have to do if I want to be healthy enough to be in this relationship...)

12/05/2010 11:19 AM
anamore
anamore  
Posts: 4080
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Where are her children, does she have them or is someone else taking care of them. You said she went to visit her family, did you mean her children. What about their father, is he still in the picture, does he help her w/ the kids. Sorry to say but most of the time, the women are left w/ the responsibility of taking care of the kids, while the father wastes his time getting high.

Try and go to a meeting w/ her, it will help you understand the situation better. be careful, drug addicts can be devious, its not who we are, its what the drugs make us do.

Keep us updated, take things slow, and be careful.

What are you in grad school for, You are doing something w/ your life which is great.


12/05/2010 09:15 PM
thesoaringeagle
thesoaringeagle  
Posts: 12
Member

Hi Ana,

The children are actually with their father. I am not certain if he has a history of use or not, but as far as I know he actually does not use currently. The facility that she lives in does not allow children to stay with their mothers who live there, but does allow visits.

And yes, she did visit her children this weekend.

Will keep you updated...back to work I go Smile


12/05/2010 09:51 PM
Blecan
 
Posts: 70
Member

I know the heartache that comes with loving an addict, you have to understand that we can love them to death also buy trying to save them from themselves, in times of relaps we offer help in the way of support for recovery only!

Hardest thing I ever had to do but grateful to have trust the process.

Blessings.


12/07/2010 11:10 AM
BrandiJo
 
Posts: 1584
Senior Member

i too know the pain of being in love with an addict. my late husband was an addict. i didnt have the chance to figure this out and save him. he OD'd and pasted at the age of 21. my only advice would be to keep your eyes open and dont wear your heart on your sleeve. addicts are good at manipulating there life into getting anything and everything they want. sooo be careful!

welcome to the group. we are here for you.... if you have any questions please ask away. we have been there and done that. learn from our mistakes!


12/08/2010 11:14 AM
thesoaringeagle
thesoaringeagle  
Posts: 12
Member

Thanks guys Smile Will follow up with those who have sent me messages in the past couple of days tonight or tomorrow.
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