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JPMarie
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Hi Mike! I have enjoyed reading about your situation. Not that it is a good one by all means but ..I too am new to this venting out to strangers in a public sort of way talking about the dark side of one's life.. All I can say is I know what it really feels like as you, when you are really, really in love with someone...you have a special connection, great sex, and all you see in them is the good that lies deep with in them. I am married to a wonderful man who uses cocaine and crack. He is successful, handsome, carries a beautiful soul inside him...however, for the past 6 years he has his double life..I call it..In my case, he does not use in our home, nor around me as I will not stand for it, nor tolerate it, so instead he dissappears and does what I call, the MIA, missing in action...I really do not know what is worse, to not know where he is, or be around someone getting high, and checking out so to speak...Neither are acceptable for me, but he has a problem. His way of using is staying in hotel rooms, or at a friend's house who uses too,...it crushes my spirit, it hurts and I am at the end of my rope. Too much heartache I have experienced with his abuse that I am ready to start going to narcanon meetings..after 6 long years witnessing him live this life, always coming home from being gone all night long, I am sorry, I will not do it again, blah, blah, blah...I am desperate and I feel his addiction is my addiction too, I never no when it will happen again...sometimes it happens once a week, or once a month or 2 to 3 times a week...It sucks the life out of me and I have 2 children.. In away..It is almost like you want so badly for them to be HEALTHY that you cannot give up on them because you love them, you want the best for them and you want them to change...But as so many people state, they will only change and stop using when they are ready or hit rock bottom. It is a game ...it is a fight...it is a struggle to be in love with an addict...BUT, is it worth it? Are you getting anything back? Are you feeling the love that YOU Deserve?....This is my question I ask myself over and over...I fail to give up...I fail to quit...I love and ADORE this man and I will be the women to stand by his side...WHAT..Am I an idiot? Will he ever quit? Will he be the man I know I deserve? I really feel he has it in him to be, that is why I cannot and will not give up...I will survive no matter what...all I want is MY MAN....Good Luck to you Mike...I am here to chat..Take Care of YOU! Somehow...someway...everything always works out...maybe due to we are enablers, perhaps there is something wrong with us...I stand corrected. J |
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sallie
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hi JP, one minor difference, as I see it between your situation and Mike's is that you have made that legal marriage vow commitment thing. Mike has not (at least not yet). if you had been dating and it was like this, would you still be hanging on? Just curious. The greatest good you can do for another is not just to share your riches, but to reveal to him his own. Benjamin Disraeli, 1804-1881 |
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JPMarie
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HI Sallie~ That would all depend I guess. I just felt that he really, really had and has a strong connection with this gal and I can relate to how he feels when your feelings are in the way...This was my first time ever entering or placing my voice in a site like this and I found Mike to be someone I could relate too as he too was all new to this... Thank you for your response...J
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MikeG
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JP,I'm going to be honest. Aside from great sex and the fun that we have during the few times that she is not high or trying to get high, I get nothing from her but headaches. Let me summarize her life, at least when she is with me. 5% of the time, we do things that normal people do. Go out to dinner, go to a club, go shopping, see a movie etc. The other 95% is her doing the only three things that a crackhead does (1. look for money to buy crack; 2. Buy crack; 3. Smoke crack. She truly enjoys this process. I actually spoke to her today. She told me that she is doing well with her ex-boyfriend because she was with him before she ever smoked crack. He knows nothing about it. She claims that it is easier for her to stay clean because she knows that if he finds out, it is over. As opposed to me - who has seen it before and am easy to talk her way around (a/k/a an enabler). Now, there is probably some truth to that. I could have been a better friend to her. However, on the other hand, it may just be easier for her to smoke crack and a "rookie" like him to not know about it. The truth is that I have no clue why I am so in love with her. She is beautiful. But honestly, and not to sound like a jerk, there are plenty of beautful women out there for 31 year old lawyers in New York City. I just can't get over her. |
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JPMarie
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Well it has to be "SOMETHING"...SOMETHING that keeps you interested...something that keeps you going .....Yes...Is it becuase she is not a threat to you, perhaps? Well while she is with the EX, take some time out for you and figure out WHY you are attracted to someone of this nature? Find out if you really like her, love her or are just infactuated with her...Possibly you have "commitment phobia" because you stated you were married before you met her....So...It really could be a number of things...That is why we are both on here to vent our feelings...and try to figure things out and why WE DO WHAT WE DO....I am here for you buddie!...Best of luck...J |
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JPMarie
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Here is food for thought.... How about from the Movie, "Pretty Women" The Knight in Shining Armour here to save you and rescue you from yourself..... Maybe you like that she is somewhat DIRTY...RAW....Different from what you normally are attracted to.... Well I would say... Go out this weekend... Keep your mind busy... You are still so YOUNG... Go find a NEW GIRL!..... LOL! JP |
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sallie
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yes...we are here for ya Mike!!! Thanks JP. I know we are all here to assist each other, and share our experiences.  The greatest good you can do for another is not just to share your riches, but to reveal to him his own. Benjamin Disraeli, 1804-1881
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wagst5
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All I would like to add is, at some point, after being lied to and used, and manipulated, then made to feel guilty about something that you know you have a right to be mad about, your entire outlook on the person changes. The person that you once thought was so beautiful, suddenly looks pathetic. The tenderness you felt when you were with them, becomes bitterness, because you know that this person is a manipulator. And you know all the promises are empty promises, and all the stuff coming out of their mouth is crap. And trust me, they aren't so cute anymore. My situation may not be the same, but I am with someone that is an addict of some kind. I have put a roof over his head, food in his mouth, and enabled him to continue with his habits, even though he swears he doesnt do anything anymore. But I have learned that in the beginning, when I know he was using, he twisted situations, and lied to my face, and he does the same thing now. And I thought that he would change for me, that I could make him into a person that did not need drugs or alcohol, that I could get him back into school and get a job using the brain that God gave him. I have not changed him, but made it easier for him. I pay the bills, he doesnt have to worry about them. He gives me some money, and keeps the rest. If he runs out, I end up buying his cigarettes and beer. And he is nothing to me than one more child to take care of. Even the sex aint so great anymore That is exactly what you will be to her. A caretaker. And she will love you as long as you are enabling her. You deserve to be with someone you dont have to babysit. You deserve someone that will remember your birthdays, and that will do things that you like to do more than 5% of the time. Until she admits she has a problem, she will continue to be nothing but a headache to you. Maybe if she gets help, and straightens out her life, she will come back to you to be a contributor to the relationship. But with the way she is now, you will always be taking care of her. Trust me....I am in the process of getting the nerve to tell the one I have been enabling that it is time for him to grow up and be a man, and get out. ~tracy |
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MikeG
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Thank you all. You have said so many things that make sense to me. Tracy, you are so right. I often tell myself that the hot young girl who just wants people to take care of her until she is done with them act, may have been cute when she was 18. She is 25 now. As you said, "It aint cute anymore" Now its called being a whore. Some reasons why I pursue her are obvious. Obviously I have this "paternal" instinct. I want to do what her father and her other boyfriends/victims could not. I am also a soar loser and ridiculously competitive. I strive to be the best at everything I do - to a fault. My career, my hobbies, my friendships and my relationships. When I fail, it effects me more then a normal person. I know that a lot of what I am feeling is not just losing her, but the feeling that I failed. And of course the fact that she claims she is doing so well with another man eats at me. However, more and more I am doubting that situation. More then one person has commented that this is all about her hitting me where she knows it hurts - my pride - and softing me up more for the next run. For example, she called me this afternoon trying to talk as if we were best buddies. In mid sentence she stops and says, "Oh damn, i just chipped my new diamond ring". Little does she know that her father called me an hour earlier to tell me that she called him to borrow $100 to pay her court fines. I may be a sucker, but I'm not that stupid. And now I have you all on my side. Thank you all. Post edited by: MikeG, at: 04/30/2008 18:21 |
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