In love with a crack addict....

I'm sorry to hear about your situation....and from one enabler to another, let me tell you, enabling is the same thing as saying that it is okay. I met a guy that had a rough life, bad childhood, etc. And he was a big time pothead, and a former heroin user, and I knew that when I let him move in with me. I dont know if i was thinking i could change him or what, but I tolerated his smoking, as long as it wasnt at my house. I dont know if it was because I wanted him to love me, and I thought if I drew a line, he would leave or what. Bottom line was, give them an inch, they take a mile. I am not a drug user, and I have kids that are teenagers. I found myself compromising my moral issues, allowing him to do things that I was teaching my kids was wrong. And the whole time, I took it all so personally. I couldnt understand why he was getting high.

My best friend spelled it out so well for me......although he may love me, he loves his drugs more. And there is nothing that I can do to change that. He insists that he does not smoke anymore, but I am sure he is getting high other ways, whether it is pills, or something else. He still lives with me, so I am probably in no place to offer you advice. I constantly try to catch him in lies, check up on him, look through his stuff, etc, to see if he is doing something, and it is making me miserable.

There is no one that is able to help her, until she is willing to accept help. She may very well love you, but wouldnt you rather know she loves you for you, and not because you allow her to get high in your place?

The one thing that we are good at, is not only enabling them to use, but we are enabling them to manipulate us. I cant tell you how many times I would be upset with him for a very valid reason, and by the end of my blow-up, I was thinking I was the crazy one. Here's my example....one night, I was in bed, and he must've thought I was sleeping. He went outside, and was out there for at least twenty minutes, no coat, just a t-shirt, when it was probably not more than twenty five degrees out. When he got back in, I asked him what he was doing, he said smoking, and I asked him what he was smoking. Of course he said cigarettes, so I told him to come near me. He smelled like pot. And I dont smoke it, so it is an unmistakable smell to me. I hate it. He threw this big fit, accused me of not trusting him, swore on his families lives that it wasnt, etc......for an hour. Then added how hard he was trying, how bad i hurt him that I dont trust him, blah, blah, blah. I have had so many of these episodes with him, always when I have the right to be upset, and he manipulates me and the situation, until I think that I am crazy.

How did you meet her? Do you think that she could ever kick this habit? And are you really in love with her? I thought I was really in love with my boyfriend, but now that I see how plainly he lies to my face, it makes him seem so pathetic.

I know its hard when you care about someone. Did she move in with the crack dealer? Maybe it is for the best, you sound like a caring, responsible individual, that deserves so much more than to be a babysitter.

Well here is the new story. She claims that she is now living with an ex-boyfriend and that she is clean. As much as it hurts me, if it is true, I have to be happy for her. I just have a lot of trouble believing it. I can not see how she can kick the addication without help. It is so bad. Its the same cycle. She goes on a binge for 5 weeks, comes home to me weighing 90 pounds. She sleeps for a week and puts on about 20 pounds. Then she lasts two weeks as a semi-normal member of society. THen she leaves.

She told me that she had to leave me because I could not control her and her drug habbit. It was my fault. And the truth is, it partially was. She knew that I would let her do anything as long as she would not leave my side and she took advantage of it. However, she will say that I did not control her, then when she disappears for three days, she calls me a psycho for calling her cell phone over and over again to find out where she is.

And to answer your question - yes. I am sure that I am very much in love with her. I have no reason to be. And I am almost embarrassed to say I am. But I am.

Post edited by: MikeG, at: 04/29/2008 11:06

Well, Here I go! I think that you need to find a way to take care of yourself and get out of that relationship! She will NEVER be able to care or love someone until she gets help! She is consumed by the drugs and it rules her thoughts and life! The only thing she is concerned about is getting high. Sometimes I advise people to stay and see how things go.... but she is hurting you constantly and YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!!!! No one deserves to be hurt like that. It is a game to her right now! She is going to find the one she can manipulate the most and be with him! All she wants is to get "high"!

I would say that she isn't clean and won't be for along time!! She is just saying that to hurt you! She knows you care and love her and will use your soft-heart against you! She needs help! Until she is willing to admit that, and get help, Nothing will change! She will continue to be in the grips of her addiction. She won't stop using until she has negative consequences for her behavior. Not having anyone bail her out, health concerns and financial reasons are why most people reach fo help.

I don't think she is a bad person and most addicts are not!! They get mixed up in something beyond their control and don't know how to stop. They do things they never would do if they weren't using. They feel ashamed or guilty and it feeds their addicted mind. It keeps them using. It is a vicious cycle that is diffcult to break.

I also think that you are a good hearted person and do not deserve to be treated the way she is treating you! There comes a time when we have to take responsibility for ourselves and take care of us. Say enough is enough and cut our losses!! I know it isn't easy, but what kind of life are you living now? She can't love you, because she dosen't love herself. She loves only the "HIGH" she gets from the drugs. It is one sad part of addiction!

You have to make the decision of how much you are willing to take from her. I used to go to therapy and tell her "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!". I was though. I kept taking it, until I stopped, and moved on with my life! Now he is in jail for his 3rd DWI, drug charges and beating up his new girlfriend. It could have been me that he beat up. I was lucky and got out just in time. Maybe jail will help him straighten out his life and get back on track. I don't know! I do know that I'm happy with my life now and I didn't get beat up by him that time!

No one likes to end a relationship and most don't like to be alone. Sometimes it is for the best! It doesn't mean it is forever either. Just until you both get healthy. You should work on yourself. Find out what you want from a relationship. Find out what your willing to give to a relationship. Find out how to set healthy boundries and not let them manipulate you. What do you want for your life?

There is a co-dependant group here that may be helpful. Otherwise I would recommend reading Co-dependant No More and Beyond Co Dependancy....both are by Melody Beattie. If you look at some of my diary entries, they are from a book of hers called The Language of Letting Go! Great book of daily affirmations.

I hope that I don't come off as being harsh because that is the last thing I want. I want people to be happy and enjoy the life they deserve. You only get one life and it doesn't last very long, it should be a happy one! Take care, Your Friend, Chris

Just wanted to say, regardless of you enabling her, her addiction is not your fault. Period.

Your reasons for being so in love with her are probably the same reasons I had for being in love with people that were not good for me. The more they pushed me away, the more I thought I could save them, and make them love me. I always want to be the one to uncover their good side, and to find that part of them that no one else could see. And unfortunately, it sets me up for nothing but disappointment.

Drug users are drug users, and we cant save them. Manipulators are manipulators, and we will just get hurt.

I am working now getting the strength to get this person out of my life, and finding healthy relationships. I dont think this girl will ever be able to be in a healthy relationship with you. And like Chris said, we have only one life, it should be a happy one, not one where we are consumed with anyones else's addictions.

I have a son, he just turned 26, and in march I found out he was snorting oxy several times a day...160 to 200 mgs every 5 hours or so! I was devastated.

This son is in alot of pain due to my divorcing his father a few years ago. Since that time, he has gotten in huge debt and runs from the creditors, and has trashed a car of mine, told me he hates my f'ing guts, and got engaged in January, she is addicted too, and now they had a very ugly breakup. oh, and he is fired from his job, moved out of an appt. cause cannot pay his share, and lives in his father's 5th wheel trailer.

my heart is breaking....what kind of life will he have?

he thinks I am crazy for telling him he needs rehab, he needs Narc. Annonymous...he says he does not.

Your girlfriend is in alot of emotional pain. Basically, that is what turns people to be addicted to drugs or alcohol...they are medicating something within....some sort of hurt or pain.

Your "girlfriend" is using your heart, your kind heart, as Mommyofsix has said. Mommyofsix is a smart woman...she is a group leader, and an ex addict herself.

I have an ex boyfriend who also had been an addict. Please, you are smart, educated, and could have your pick of some beautiful women in their 20s and 30s. Why do you feel this one is so special?

I think checking into a co dependency group may be good for you. If you haven't pls. think about it. Believe me, you might "love" her, but what is there to love? Does she "enhance" your life? Look for someone who does not need rescuing, but someone who "enhances" your life...someone you want to have babies with...who is dependable, who is trustworthy, and love YOU for you!

I hope I do not sound like I am lecturing you, because I do not mean to. But, life is short...believe me, you are young, and yours is ahead of you....please let her go. someone special is out there if you just believe that.

I am going to be frank and honest about what is hurting me right now. I am going to come across as selfish and hypocritical and I hope it does not change your opinion of me.

What is killing me is the proposition that she is doing well. She called me last night. I am an attorney and had been helping her with some of her legal trouble. She called me to ask me when her next court dates are. This is something she would never do if she were getting high. She would not care. On the other hand, as my sister said, "No, she called you to see if you would pick up the phone when she needs you a month from now." Of course, the tone of her voice and the words she spoke did not signify the slightest emotion, concern or remorse about what she had just done to me. As if it did not happened. Anyhow, she says she is totally clean.

Simply put, I am hurt that I am not the man that could do this for her. I tried so hard and she never put an honest effort in, yet she can do it for some other man. Granted, it has been 4 days. She was clean with me for periods of 2 to 3 weeks at a time. Plus, she now lives in Philadelphia, which is walking distance to her crack heaven of Camden, New JErsey. I guess I am just suffering thinking that some other man did something for her that I could not. I am a very proud man and I hate to lose. I know this sounds stupid in this context. But it is the truth. I know that if I love her (and I do) that I would be happy if she was healthy, regardless of who she is with. But it is not that easy.

Also, another thing that is making this difficult is that in the back of my mind, I always knew that unless she got real help, there was not a future for us. However, two months ago, she went into rehab for a month (out of a 6 month program). While she was in there, it was the only time I know she was 100% clean since I have known her. During this time, she wrote me daily letters saying how she could not wait to come home and live a clean and "real" life with me. She wrote how she regretted waisting so much time in both of our lives. Anyhow, this really got to me. It really made me believe that we had a future. On the other hand, I have been advised that the letters were simply a set up for a place for her to go when she skipped out of rehab,

Thank you all so much,

Mike

Post edited by: MikeG, at: 04/30/2008 09:40