What next?

I am at the end of my rope. I'm starting to act angrily all the time, I'm pretty sure I'm depressed and my grades are dropping (which is very inconvenient considering that I am applying to grad school within the next year)

I can't stand the thought of losing him because he is the most important person in my life, yet I am completely disgusted with his habits and choices.

What's next??

Glenn

P.S. You might check out the codependent group...gj

Post edited by: Glenndolph, at: 04/17/2008 07:34

I went to therapy along time ago and told her that "I couldnt take it anymore"!! My husband was drinking and cheating on me. She said, "but you keep taking it"!!! Over and over I listened to his lies and tried to make it work!! He didn't want help and I had had enough of his bull****. I filed for divorce and was very sad for awhile, but life has gotten so much better since then. How much of his lying are you willing to take? How long are you going to "TAKE IT"? Is he someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? What kind of therapy is he in? Is he willing to go to treatment or NA-meetings?

You should finish school and continue on your career path. It sounds as if you have wonderful goals set for yourself and need to follow your dreams. Don't let his addiction drag you down.

We are here if you need anything! Your friend, Chris

It's just really hard to just leave him there. Since his drug usage is not very often and was said to be caused by depression, I feel that if I leave, it's not helping the situation. He says he needs me to be there for him and help him through this because support from others is a big component in fighting addiction. I just dont know if its the best idea for me.

You won't know if he is telling the truth until something does or doesn't happen. He has to be able to prove to you that he is getting better and isn't using. Talk the talk and walk the walk. There is no magical ball that can tell you. Sometimes it would be nice to see the future, but how boring would life be then? Sometimes we have to decide not to decide right now and just wait it out for awhile.

If he needs support, he can get that from his AA member and counselor. He doesn't need to lay it all on your shoulders. Can you explain more of what happened before?

There is one more thing, You seem to have alot of doubt now. Are you sure he was the right one before? Are you just hurt and upset now? With very good reason to be!! You have alot to think about. We are here for you to help you figure this out.

Your friend, Chris

As of what happened before...

We have known each other for around 7 years now, we started dating my freshman year of highschool, broke up and then dated again my senior year of highschool. He was your typical jock, except he had brains and personality. I really liked the fact that he was sensitive, artistic, and different. He enjoyed things that your average guy wouldnt admit to liking: theater, kids, chick flicks (haha). Even though i have known him for 7 years, it seems like every day is a new experience and i learn more and more about him. We just had a bond and instantly connected from the day I met him. That is what makes the decision to end our relationship so hard.

When college came around, he had a harder transition than I did. He is more of a quiet type, but is used to being around the same huge group of friends. Going to college and not knowing anyone was hard. He always resorted back to his friends from home. Honestly, all his friends from home were real assholes...they were always up to no good. As of now, many of them are avid coke users. Some do herion, take pills, and the majority are always stoned. Any drug you can think of you probably can find it with these kids. But these were his real friends and he wouldnt trade them in for anything. He has known them before they did drugs and did want to lose them and have nobody.

That summer, I found out that he was doing coke with them and we broke up. I told his parents on him and told them he needed help. They were all for it at first, but eventually, it faded. Their empty threats of monthly drug testing and bank statement-watching fell through. But eventually, over time, I forgave him and we started dating again. He told me that cocaine had really messed up his life and made it seem like it was over. He said it ruined his entire life that summer. He had no money, no trust from family/friends and his gf, and he realized his friends were going downhill.

I thought he was going to be okay. He promised he wasnt talking to his drug friends and he was going to concentrate on school. At the end of the semester he pulled a 3.0, which was a huge improvement from the previous. Second semester was going great too until a month ago when he apparently he started doing it again at his college. He had a really hard year. He struggled with money, grades, football (he's there on scholarship) and in general, trying to be happy. This is where the depression kicked in (apparently it runs in his family) and he self-medicated with cocaine. ( i have previously learned that his grandfather did the same thing only with alcohol.)

The cocaine using had been going on for a few weeks until i caught it again. I have a tendency to know when something is wrong. Since then, he's been getting help and swearing he'll never touch it again but I'm just rather pessimistic about the whole situation. I'd love to be with him but I'm too scared/hurt/angry/frusterated.

I feel as if I have 2 options and they both lead to disappointment. If I try to make our relationship work, he could still take advantage of my trust and lie to me again (and with each time he lies, it hurts worse). I'm scared for my future. I don't want to dedicate more of my time to him and just end up disappointed and hurt. Yet, if I choose to end the relationship, I feel like I'm going to be miserable without him. He really was different than anyone else I've ever met. Extremely unique in personality and I feel that we connected on a deep level.

I'm so sorry for laying this all on you but I feel like I have no one to turn to who won't be biased or treat me like I'm an idiot. Thank you so much for listening...

Addiction is not easy to overcome and most people have relapses at some point. The success rate at treatment programs is very low. Sad, but true! It can be done though, with hard work and honesty! He needs to get honest with himself and others. If he truely wants help and is willing to work on this for the rest of his life, he has a good chance for recovery.

I would give it some time and just see what happens. Work on yourself and get through school. Get through the anger and hurt your feeling. There is a group for co-dependant people here. It may be helpful.

There are books for co-dependancy called.............. co-dependant no more , beyond co dependancy and love is a choice. they are really good. The first 2 are by Melody Beattie.

I don't want you to lose yourself to his addiction. It is so asy to get caught up in all of his problems and how he feels that we lose yourselves. We forget what is important to us and what makes us happy. That is why it is so important to remember that your important and take care of you!!!! No, it is not being selfish. Remember the 3-c's .....we didn't cause it, we can't cure it, and we can't contol it!!! No matter how much we want to help someone else, they have to do this one on their own. They have to get the help and work the program.

I'm here to listen! Your friend, Chris

Anyway, he still calls me every night and makes sure he texts me a daily, "I love you." I want to be there for him in his life because he doesnt have many people left. Also, his counselor said that he is suffering from depression which causes him to resort to drugs, so I want to be there to support him. I figured if I were in his shoes, losing someone I love completely would really depress me. So I want to be there for him to the extent that I can be.

I told him that I would be there for him but I also just need some time to finish the semester without having to worry about our relationship...and his problems. He's still doing everything he can to get me back, but I'm trying to stand my ground and remember everything he put me through. I need to get over the hurt and the pain. I need to think logically and be smart about the situation before I dive into something that stinks. I'm not ready to make that decision where the two roads lead to disappointment.

This weekend, I decided just to try to relax and focus. Me and my best friend took a road trip up to Pittsburgh to see a play and spend some girl time together...no boys...no drama. It really helped me clear my head...she's a great listener and spending 12+ hours in a car (I go to school in VA) definately gave me time to think about everything. I'm focusing all my energy on ME!

Thanks again for all the great advice. I will continue to write as new things occur. I cant thank you enough for taking the time to talk with me. I prayed for someone to help me through this...and you were the answer to my prayers.

Thanks again,

Melissa

You are doing the right things by taking care of yourself and getting through school. You must be close to being done. When are you going to graduate? You should be proud of yourself!!! I'm proud of you.

I do understand you wanting to stick with him and be by his side to help him. It is hard to see someone that doesn't have many friends or family, and that we care about, having to struggle with problems. Noone likes to see someone they care about hurting. I really hope that he continues getting help and gets all of his issues worked out. He has to remember that he is important too!! He deserves a happy, sober life. He just has to want it bad enough and do what it takes to get there!!!

Is his counselor doing anything about the depression? It can be treated with medication and "talk therapy". It is very effective.

I'm so glad that you were able to go and have a good time with your friends and get some "down time". What play did you go see? Was it any good? The only plays Ive gone to see are the ones my children are in!! They are fun to watch!!

I am so happy for you! I wish I could give you a great big hug! I hope that you achieve all your dreams!! Keep in touch!! I'm here if you ever need anything. I'm glad I could help. Take Care. Your Friend, Chris

We went to go and see Alice in Wonderland. It was actually more like a ballet than a play. Alice is pretty much my favorite Disney movie (I'm a little girl at heart ) and my roommate wanted to do something special for my birthday.

Right now, I'm about to finish my sophomore year in college. My goal and passion in life is to become an Occupational Therapist. The school that I'm at has a 5 year Master's degree program where you apply for graduate school February of your Junior Year. They only take 18 students and its extremely competative. If I get accepted, I start graduate school my senior year.

I'm not too sure what he does with his counselor during his therapy sessions, but I know that after this semester is over, he probably is going to go on Anti-Depressants. I dont really know how I feel about those, but I know that Depression runs in his family. His mom and aunt are both on them and I know that his Grandfather was severely depressed as well. So hopefully, since his family reacts well to them, that he will.

Thanks again for all the support! You should def go and see a play sometime in the near future! They are so fun! How old are your kids?