Drug Addiction Support Group

Three and a half hours sitting here trying to decide what to do. Her heroin addiction is killing me. My 22 year old daughter was arrested 4/29 and has seven charges of possession of heroin within 500 feet of public housing complex. She was in rehab in Feb. 2012. Stayed only 30 days. HAD to get back to work. Was living with BF 20 minutes south of home. Relapsed 3x since then. Is/was on PTI for prescription fraud Aug. 2011. Calling us and bail bonds begging, pleading, crying to get her out. She was incarcerated in Essex county prison (Newark NJ). Was there approx 1 week. Moved to halfway house (Logal Hall). She has been diagnosed bipolar. Is presently NOT on meds. Also has had contacts in her eyes for 8 days without changing, no glasses or contacts with her. The lies, deceit, schemes, theft, car crashes, etc. etc. abounds. Started 1 1/2 years ago. With the same BF since 16. Also an addict. Has been in prison 2x previously. Presently incarcerated on 9 separate charges. She won't leave him. Her public defender has yet to get back to me. Getting any information from the prison/halfway house about general things like hours of visitation, public advocacy, etc. is laughable. Few and far between employees are helpful. Dozens of calls later and I still have lots of questions unanswered. Don't know when her case is on the docket for court. Supposedly going before a grand jury. She wants me to bail her out ($10,000 with 10% down) and put her in rehab. My gut says leave her there. If we could be assured that we could bail her out and she had mandatory treatment that she couldn't leave or would be incarcerated, we would opt for that. Anything short of that, she will manipulate her way out of. She is a master manipulator/liar. She has a good heart under it all, but I have no idea where my daughter is in the midst of that poison. We haven't seen her in over a year; only small glimpses from time to time. It seems all she has to say is "Please, mommy. I love you, mommy." and I turn to a bowl of jello. But I have aged 10 years in one. I look ancient from the stress. The financial hemorrhaging has to stop. The wake of her tsunami is devastating. ANY advice would be appreciated.

well, im sorry to hear about all that. its quite obvious that you are keen to the addictive personality. the addict always has one key phrase that triggers the families weakness. i have said many times that THEIR life becomes YOURS. you have a greater opportunity of pulling yourself through this terrible time. you may find this harsh and too strong and with lack of compassion, at this time .. someone has to take a stand. for both of YOU. the car crashes and everything else you posted shows the beginning of her destruction. heroin is not an easy drug to get clean from.

its going to take someone to take a stand and do what has to be done.

she will continue to manipulate you and every other member of your family.. its just the way it is. the addict wants the easy way out of everything. once they find an escape goat ... they prey on that person. and ... it works.

in my opinion ... harsh as it may be. i wouldnt bail her out. she needs to experience consequences. she needs to understand that YOU have had enough. you love her and always will .. and oh you betcha shes gunna play on that. but ... just like the addict .. you have to go through some pain to release yourself from bondage.

if you want her to take steps to get better .. you have to apply those same steps for yourself. let the courts put her into rehab. it has to be done. i do with both of you the best. i just know from experience what its gunna take to get the job done.

in the state of affairs that your in right now .. whos gunna crash first ? you or her?

letting the court take is course isnt hating her, its the only way at this point you CAN help her. if shes not ordered to go to rehab .. shes not gunna stay.

get some help as well from naranon. that will help you understand and cope with what YOUR going trough. make no mistake, you will always love her ... she will tell you different .. but in her state of mind.... shes gunna tell you anything she can to get what she wants. time for you to do some tough love.

best wishes to you both.

Odiebob: Thank you. It is the first objective concrete stand someone has stated. My present state of support have so many of their own feelings tied into her that we all start wavering and getting wishy-washy because we LOVE her. But each time I have ignored my gut feeling, I have regretted it. As much as it is wavering, there is still something that says "No, you cannot go get her." Even her hard-nosed dad is weakening. He is usually the one who is strong. I am usually the one reduced to the consummate enabler. Your advice seems to have hit the nail on the head. I am printing it and re-reading it every time I feel swayed to cave.

always remember, the enabler adds fuel to the fire. let us know how you are doing

Do NOT bail her out. I left my son in jail for the first time ever because it came to a point with him where they were offering the amount of bail you are facing and I just couldn't do it anymore. I loved when you said the financial hemorrahging (sp?lol). He stayed in for 6 months and came out clean. He has been clean since NOV and has many things back in his life, a car, a job...but 10 years probation. And right now he is going thru a relapse which is how I found this page. But, if he didn't go to jail when he did..he would be dead right now...and I got a much needed REST. Also, he has been my old son for almost 8 months...we wouldn't have had that time either. I hope this is a short lived relapse for him..because like you say..after this WEEKEND...I have aged another 5 years...I hate drugs. But, he learned so much about himself, learned to like himself again in prison...its good for her to leave her there..you will come to terms with it quickly because it is so peaceful...they are adjusting to jail..jail is protective custody..she won't be going anywhere and they have strict rules of behavior..so no-one will give her much trouble...rest MOM.

Great advise from the heart Missy2. Stay strong and good luck Ajslynch1.

It is so hard because you love her so much, but you wrote she doesn't even act like your daughter anymore. That is because the drugs, the addictions are controlling her and they make her a liar, thief, manipulator, it changes the person to someone unknown, it must really hurt when you catch glimpses of your daughter, I really feel for you.

She has to face the consequences of her actions, if someone is always bailing her out she will never learn. I do hope they send her to manditory rehab that would be the best thing for her.

Let her know you love her and when she is ready to get her life back under control you will be there to help her. She has to learn the hard way, I know Newark, I am sure it is not a very pleasant place to be, actually it is very scarey place. Hopefully it will scare her enough so that she will get help.

My heart goes out to you, I feel your pain, I will pray for you and for her, going to na anon will help you, you also need help and support to get through this, so don't forget about taking care of yourself too.

We are here for you, there are many members that care and will offer you support and strengthen your resolve on what to do.

I appreciate each and every one of your replies. I had spent at least another two hours yesterday combing through the addicted forums/discussions - especially the ones that read "My 20-year-old daughter addicted to heroin." It was so heartbreaking to see so many moms in the same position. It seems an insane epidemic. But the relapses, the behavior, the pain, the roller-coaster everyone rides because of their addiction, and the fact that they can't see how insanely abnormal their behavior is, is just mind-boggling. When I look at the past year and a half and how we - my husband, myself and her brother - have done all we could to "help" her, it makes me ill, literally nauseous. Somehow I have decided that enough is enough. What I would really, really like to see is a judge mandate her to long-term residential treatment of at least - at least - a year. I don't think 90, 120, 180 days will do it. It is amazing how much stamina they have to keep going round and round. I'm freaking tired all the time. Each time I get back up on my "positive" horse and my "I'm-doing-this-for-me" behaviors, down comes the wrecking ball on us all...again. Their irrationality of the whole situation is almost funny; the way the turn it all around and say things like "Why would you do this to me?" As I am writing this, I am at my desk at work looking at that little angelic face on my little fridge with her little dalmation slippers and another one hugging her dog. My first born, my beautiful girl. But I can't think of her like that or listen to her cries of "Please, please Mommy" I have to keep in front of me that very, very sick young woman that I see that has used credit cards, debunked a bank, stolen and used prescription pads, cracked up two vehicles and destroyed a third. I also have to remember how she looked and what she did when I got her to rehab in Fla. in January. It was every parent's nightmare. I KNOW I am the stronger of the two of us. It is as though I watch someone possessed...because she is. She is possessed by a demon called heroin.

sometimes the steps take may hurt a lot, but addiction is never black and white. its all grey. nothing is ever absolute when it comes to an addict OR the loved ones.

stay strong

I hear Ya! I don't even have to type out my story because all the stories are so similar that every parent here knows what i am going thru. My son is not on heroin but he is on drugs, to me it is all the same, all devestating and is destroying me and my sanity. Yes, your not alone, I'm not alone, but in my everyday life out here...I am so alone it is heartbreaking. I find it so hard to function, but somehow I keep putting one foot in front of the other..thru the smashed cars, the hospitals, the jail and I still carry on...I need to learn to love myself more and I think it would get easier. Today was a pretty good day...because my addict was at work (I knew he was safe)...My youngest had "temper" control...and I pretty much got some things done that needed to be done. But, as I sit here and hear sirens out the window as I do everyday...because I live in the city...i always wonder if it is my addict in trouble again...its a horrible way to live..but for some reason, I have been given this path..as have you.