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04/19/2012 05:46 PM

what we hold on to isnt always the best thing

odiebob
Posts: 355
Member

so many addicts have carried soiled baggage with them for years. being unable to release that baggage is what keeps the gates to freedom open.

we have limited ourselves based what we have held on to and the way we think.

those with hurtful and painful pasts ...or even the present constantly relive their hurt day in and day out. the ability to change the way we think is CONTROLLED by only one thing. OUR TRUST IN THE PAST. every negative thought becomes automatic. its the only thing we learned and the only thing we became comfortable with. that which once was, for many of us ... is still there. the question is WHY ? myself, i will always have my moments. you cant change everything about yourself, so dont even try. your moments become shorter and shorter if we allow our self to sit back and STOP. re think what you are thinkning about. take a look in a different direction at your issue.

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04/20/2012 06:19 AM
anamore
anamore  
Posts: 4080
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

My biggest baggage is my husbands death. I can't let go of the pain, its w/ me constantly, its like if I let go of the pain, I am letting him go, I just can't let him go, it hurts too much. 28 years later and I still cry when I think of him, hear a song that reminds me of him, see his picture, or look into my daughter's eyes.

People always told me w/ time your pain will heal, but it has gotten worse. I can't seem to stop the pain because then I would be letting him go and I just can't let him go. I still love him so.

I know why I can't stop hurting because if I do, I will be saying good bye to him and I just can't seem to do that. Why did he die? why did he leave me alone?

I see were I have limited myself in my life because I can't let go, I carry the pain around daily, and have made decisions that kept my life limited, instead of exploring all the possiblities out there.

I have let go of so much baggage from my teen years, I have learned to love myself, I have learned that I am important, I have a beautiful daughter. I have my life back, I took control away from the drugs. But the one thing I can't seem to get past is my husband, I can't let him go...its so painful..............


04/20/2012 08:23 PM
odiebob
Posts: 355
Member

you know. in 1985 i made a friend. he had just retired and when ever i passed his door during the summer time, he would always wave hi. we got to be friends. long story short, in the 20 year friendship we became self adopted grandfather/ grandson. he for me, was family. more so than my parents and all that. he became the family that i never had. we had a close friendship. he helped me and i helped him as he got older. he passed away jan 27th of 2005. we used to drive miles and miles in the colorado mtns where i used to live. we had great times. he meant more to me than any family member ever did. i miss him a lot. to this day i still talk to him at night. i can still hear him say " thanks again" and the door shut after dropping him off at his house from a day trip to the mtns.

my first words were the night i found him were, what do i do now ?

even though we meant what we did to each other... i NEVER EVER got mad at him for leaving me. because .. he never really left me. HES ALWAYS in my heart. i used to take him to walmart every weekend to go shopping. he died on a thursday nite. that sat. i went shopping .. at walmart. i couldnt finish my shopping. i had to get out of the store. i learned to accept that ... it was his time. i couldnt get mad at him because that would be selfish of me. make no mistake .. it hurt. i had to trade in my car for a new one because i could see him sitting there when ever i went to the mtns after he passed away.

but that didnt work ... even with the new car .. i could still see him sitting there. what i realized was, no matter if i couldnt see him anymore ... i knew he was always there. you see, the pain i felt... went away when i decided to quit being selfish. i took what i learned from him and applied it to my life. i now have the pleasure not pain ... to look back and be happy for what i was blessed with for 20 years. it made a big difference in my life. i wouldnt have been the same if it hadnt been for him.

my point is, dont anguish over the loss. be happy and rejoice in what you gained by having. you will never have to say good bye. 7 years later i still havnt. but, i learned to move on because its what he would have wanted. if, in your life you have dealt with a lot of loss or no one to really hang on to. it does hurt. but always remember that is it far greater to have had than to never have had. you can carry the joy from what you were blessed with. you dont have to say good bye. just allow yourself to find peace knowing that you experienced something very great in your life. dont tear yourself apart because all the good things that came from that relationship will only be painful ones.

Post edited by: odiebob, at: 04/20/2012 08:26 PM


04/23/2012 04:33 AM
anamore
anamore  
Posts: 4080
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

What you say is so true, I wouldn't of had my beautiful daughter, she has made my life richer, loving her has made my life so much better, I always think if it wasn't for her I don't know if I would have quit doing drugs and concentrate on being clean and raising her, I may have just given up and continued to live in the drug world.

So his death did save lives, not just my daughter and mine but also alot of his friends. There were a few that went straight after he died.

But knowing all that doesn't take away the pain of his loss, its part of who I am now, knowing him has changed the direction of my life and his death had a big impact on my life. I need to accept it and cherish my memories.

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