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12/17/2010 12:58 PM

loving someone who relapsed on cocaine

Suze33
 
Posts: 8
New Member

Good day, I am searching for some advise on the most recent event in my life.

My name is Suze, I am a divorced mom of 2 young, beautiful kids and dating a man for 1 1/2 yrs who I knew was a recovering cocaine addict. We have a long distance relationship living about an hour away.

After 5 months of feeling increasingly distant, wondering if he was being unfaithful....He admitted he was. His mistress is cocaine. He admitted a weekly use of 1 gram of coke for the last 2 months. 5 months total of lies, hiding and use.

I immediately shut down communication. I will not date an active user, or let my kids continue to have one in their lives. Informed him he needs to tell his boss, family, and start meetings. I would see him again after he completed 3 NA meetings to talk about "what next" but I could not gaurentee I would stay with him. He already knew I would leave if he did coke, and he chose to use for 5 months....he chose coke over me and my children.

I need to think if I can go through this, put my kids through this, and if he is sincere in recovery.

He has told his family, his boss and has attended 2 meeting in 3 days. He swears he will fight to keep me, and give up Cocaine.

I don't know what to believe after all the sneaking, lying, and betrayal he has done.

Do I practice "tough love", am I enabeling him? Do I help him through recovery, or leave him? I do love him. I do not want to believe him only to be let down, or have my kids hurt by this disease.

I pray every night for God to let me wake up with the answer so I can go forth putting my whole self into my decision. I'm not sure what to believe.

So far, he has done all I asked, agrees to random drug tests any time I will ask, agrees to have a tracer put on his phone so I can see where he is, agrees to therapy and meetings .... am I just dumb to stay with him?

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12/17/2010 03:24 PM
anamore
anamore  
Posts: 4080
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

You are doing the right thing, you don't yourself and your children to get involved w/ a coke addict, my husband and I were both addicted to cocain, he OD and I quit cold turkey. We had a 4 yr old daughter, she is now 30 and she still feels the pain of losing her father.

You don't want your kids to go through that pain. I am surprised he has agreed to all the monitoring and testing, that shows some honesty on his part, something many addicts don't allow, Drus addicts are good at manipulation, lying, cheating. You care for him so you are not dumb to stay w/ him. If you agree to support him you may be able to help him. having support from a loved one will give him strength to keep on going. Maybe you can go to one of the meetings w/ him, so you can see for yourself what you are up against. Some NA groups have open meetings and will allow you to sit in on the meeting.

You have to be very careful, watch him closely, tough love, do not enable him. It sounds like you have some knowledge on drug abuse, use it so he can't con you. My husband would con me all the time and when I would realize it, I couldn't believe I fell for it, he was so smooth, so convincing

I quit cocaine after my husband died, it scared me so much,that was 26 yrs ago and I haven't done any coke since. I did however, suppstitute alcohol for cccaine. Going to therapy would help him understand why he needs to do the drug, what does the drug give him that is missing in his life'

He has to regain your trust. take one day at a time and watch him closely, his actions, how he talks, everything to see if you can tell if he is using, Maybe you can go to councelling together.

We are here to help you, so let us know what you decide to do, what ever it is, we will stand by you and help you get through this.

Be careful and watch him closely, you can be there for him and support him to get clean. It can be done, its just not easy


12/17/2010 03:53 PM
greeneyemommy

alot of addicts can go to NA meetings & still use.. My son did ... so those meeting are no good if he is still using ..... drug testing him is great ..if you want to give him a second change ,,,But would not subject your kids to this .....you can support him to get clean ,,,but its not that easy ..... he might need help.... good luck & keep posting..trish

12/17/2010 05:01 PM
Suze33
 
Posts: 8
New Member

Thank you for replying. I told him, "It's great that you can tell your boss, family, friends....and go to meetings to talk"..."Who can I tell.??? If I tell my family or friends, they'll disown me for continueing to talk to you.". To them, the fact that he was a coke addict or relapsed is enough to send him to the curb. done. finished.

Only, being a divorced mom, who never had support from a spouce - he is wonderful when he's here. My kids already love him. I love my kids, they do not have addiction issues in their life, and I don't ever want to know that I made a decision to have this in their life. I can't function, sleep, eat properly, talk to anyone, working is a joke, I'm so unproductive this week. All while he goes to group and feels better getting it off his chest.

I am so angry. I know a little - but he fooled me too.... I thought he was cheating on me. I never thought it was the coke.

Please keep talking to me. I can't turn to anybody....I am planning on contacting a therapist...but thats not enough. I have never felt so alone. He has agreed to go to couples therapy.....but thats not the crystal ball i so desperately need right now.

Kudos to you for quiting cold turkey. My ex-husband says he did the same.....

Bless you for responding......I have never felt as alone as I do this week.


12/17/2010 05:08 PM
Suze33
 
Posts: 8
New Member

thank you for responding to me. I have never felt as alone as I do today. I can't tell my family or friends....they'll immediately tell me to leave. done. finished. I can't blame them.

If my kids didn't love him, depend on seeing him, I could more easily say good bye.

He has agreed to everything I asked, the random drug test, no questions asked, couples counseling, single therapy, group therapy (aa/na), family locator on his cell phone.

He's telling me "all the things I need to hear".....is it real or the addict talking, who knows.

He was clean for 4 yrs....relapsed for 8 wks a gram a wk....from friends that use they say "thats very little Suze.".

For my children, if they feel how I feel today in 2 yrs.....I think I would have to instatutionlize myself knowing I did that to them.

I love him, I believe he's all I ever asked for. I hear that addicts are like that. Wonderful people....awesome people....that can't make good decisions.

Wanting to protect my kids....Christmas won't be Christmas without him....and life could be hell with him for them.

Is an addict always going to relapse?????


12/18/2010 06:19 PM
anamore
anamore  
Posts: 4080
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Some addicts don't relapse but usually I hear they relapse, it could be soon or it could be 10 yrs later. If he has promised to get tested and go to meetings, get therapy, that is great, now make sure he does it. Go w/ him at first, family councelling will be great, this way you can see which way he is headed.

Addicts are great at lying and conning people but he has agreed to do everything to get clean, so now tell him its time for him to start therapy and test him. See if he was being honest w/ you or just saying to so you would not keep questioning him


12/20/2010 06:22 AM
BrandiJo
 
Posts: 1584
Senior Member

i would say to give him a chance to prove himself. but he has to be honest and YOU have to be on your toes with him. dont let him manipulate you. watch his every move. it will be hard because he lives an hour away. but you should be able to tell when hes acting different... and if hes acting different then you will know that somethings not right. go to couples councling and BE HONEST. talk about whats going on. talk about how you are feeling and how you feel betrayed b/c he was lying.

we are here for you to vent to. you are not alone. come on this site and just spill your heart out. we will not judge you. we will listen and give our own oppinions. and you may agree or disagree with us..... we wont care. we are here for YOU!


12/23/2010 12:55 PM
anamore
anamore  
Posts: 4080
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Suze How are things going w/ you, we have not heard from you and I am concerned, you said you have no one to talk to, we are here, you can talk to us anytime, about anything, we want to help you, I hope to hear from you soon, have a Merry Christmas

12/23/2010 03:53 PM
Suze33
 
Posts: 8
New Member

Thank you anamore! I am hanging in there. Trying to read, and my sleep has gotten better.

He has gone to 3 meetings, and still agreeing to the requests I have made.

I am waiting to set up counseling for myself. I know that will help. I also look forward to counseling with him - and hopefully will see him follow-thru.

I teeter on being afraid to not take this seriously enough, and taking it too seriously. Its all I want to talk to him about, and he seems (and his family/friends) seem to discuss anything but this issue.....I can almost see him tune me out - glazed eyes - when I want to talk about it. His whole family pattern is to create a dramatic situation and then quickly act like it didn't happen. I have a hard time with that.

I will have him here for Christmas, and I know he doesn't use when he is here. Tonight I am worried. It's pay day for him and the night he always used....so I'm trying to keep a level head.

I have read anything and everything I can find. I feel better deciding to go thru counseling, watch for his follow-through and praying he keeps doing the right thing. Verses leaving him right now. Hopefully counseling will help me if he can't stick with it and I do have to end it.

Relationships are hard to end when you still love them....but for my kids I might not have a choice. Time will tell.

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas....and I will keep posting. (I have been in a mad rush to get everything done and not been able to even get to my computer.) Thank you for checking on me. xoxoxo


12/23/2010 05:32 PM
greeneyemommy

Hi susie ..just wanted to check in on you & see how you are doing ? addicts seems to party hard doing the holidays ..so just wanted to prepare you ..believe me ..my son sure put a damper on a few holidays ..Its so nice to have him back being sober .... Hope you find peace .... hugs Trish
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