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Chickie Posts: 37
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I had been without my meds for 3 days and my husband had decided that he wanted to start giving me a hard time. You see, my car's inspection had expired so I can no longer drive it. He has been allowing me to borrow his company car. I had called my doctors to ask them to phone in my prescriptions. Earlier this week I lost my credit card. I reported it stolen. Since I do my banking through a credit union, I can only go directly to them, since the pharmacy only takes cash, and I didn't have any checks either. I asked my husband would he please transfer funds from my account into his, then He could withdraw the funds from his account, then that would save me from having to go to the bank. Well, either he heard me wrong or he just decided that he was going to obsess (something he does) about me asking him to transfer the funds. For some reason he got really upset. I think it is because he doesn't like that I am not giving him so much attention and I am going to meetings so he was going to find a reason to start a fight. So, for the past 3 days, he came home too late so that I could not get to the bank in time to get the funds to go to the pharmacy to get my meds. I called everyone I knew that I had met through NA but they either were A) working  unavailable due to previous commitment C) gave me an unworking phone number D) just did not return my call. I have been without my meds for 3 days, which having fibromyalgia, you need to be on an antidpressant (I have major depression disorder) and hypertension (so blood pressure could go up and lead to stroke) plus the stress of having him act like this because of whatever his reasons are. I was going to take 5 buses to get the accomplished but because I have been without my meds and have fibromyalgia, that is like almost impossible to pull off. Finally, today, he came home and said I could use the car. My mother said she would lend me the money because I couldn't make it to the bank in time. So, I went to Mom's (God bless her) and she lent me enough so I could get to the pharmacy and get most of the prescriptions filled. Just FYI, you don't always have to get the whole prescription filled, just get partial until you have enough money, that way you don't miss your meds and you can still get enough to last you for a few days until you get more money together to get your meds. Now, since I am trying SO hard to do all these things, and I keep hearing from NA, "Form your WE", "Girls need to keep in touch with girls" and "This is a helping program", I said to myself, only 2 people bothered to call me back and those 2 were Christians and even though they couldn't take me the offered emotional support instead of defending themselves as others did that I called and said they weren't being selfish, they just needed more notice and needed to take care of themself. How much of a need does a person need to have before it can be validated as a real NEED that not getting their life sustaining medications can cause them to have alot more on their plate than they should have. SO, I learned, if I want to have a "WE" that they will be people I can depend on. If I need something, I have to do it myself and not depend on ANYONE. I learned that this is a "SELF HELP" program, that people just don't think it is important enough that they can jumble their schedule around to help someone who is truly in need, even though they say "Call me anytime, call me, even if you just need to talk". These people that had excuses that were supposedly "not selfish" had only criticism for me being in the situation in the first place, like I created this situation so I would have this great need to ask these people, humble myself and just make them feel like I was imposing on them. Well, I learned that everyone has to work their program, their needs are what keeps them from using, and they need to be met, and if helping a fellow recovery addict is too much out of the way for them, it doesn't matter. Now, these are the same people that I had asked for rides to meetings and said they weren't going to that meeting but when I showed up after finding a ride, were right there at the meeting. What is that all about? Do you have to be JUST like them or is it because you aren't as needy as they were when they first got clean that they think you should have to suffer more. I don't understand! Alot of these "Girls" which I am suppose to form a "WE" with are only at these meetings to "hug fellow recovery addicts that are of the male persausion". Now I know I am going to get a lot of flack from posting this, but I am telling you, that I have tried everything in my power. This program works. But it is just like anything, it is people that make the program and people aren't perfect. Choose your "WE" carefully and make sure you steer clear of having any needs that might need to be might outside of yourself, because you might require them to take something out of their day that is "too much" for them, even if it means that not getting your meds can be very, very unhealthy. If you sense a tinge of sarcasm, you are right. I just never expected this coming from NA. I got clean a few years back and it wasn't like this then. Over the last 20 years or so, something has changed. I know I have, but it didn't use to be this selfish of a program. Ok, so here's something else to chew on. One of my dear friends that did call me back, unable to give me a ride due to having to work, did offer me encouragement. She said someone asked her to be a sponsor and she said she would get back to them because she had to clear it with her sponsor. Her sponsor told her that "tell them to get to the meetings, but don't take them to meetings". OK, what's that all about? It's one thing for someone to even want to get to a meeting, but another to make it hard for them to even get to the meeting??????? Does this make sense to any of you NA people???? I am very perplexed. I don't get it. I understand, you don't spoon feed people, but when they are weak, aren't we suppose to help them????? What's the deal with this??? Is this why no one wants to give me a ride???? OK, I would take buses, but if anyone has fibromyalgia, you will understand what a stinking disease it is. I mean, you can look totally healthy and feel like you are dying inside. And when you try to explain it to people, they say "Isn't that the one that is mental, where people are mental but not really sick????" What a number the medical community has done on the fibromyalgia patients!!!! I am just in a mood and rambling, so forgive me, but I have had it up to here with takin' it, and saying "God grant me.... (the serenity prayer)" and between saying, maybe if I speak up, it will cause some change to evolve. I mean, because some people think this is the way EVERYONE should be handled when they come into the program, they are not understanding that we are all individuals and if you give me a moment I can explain, if you quit judging me without knowing all the facts. OK< people are people, and they all do their best, for the most part, but I guess I am running into the ones who just aren't really doing their part and judging me and making me have to speak out to get some attention and be heard. If someone wants to get clean, why not take them to a meeting? If someone needs a ride and are offering you twice as much as money in gas to get the ride, why not give them a hand? What is up with this? Well, after 3 days without my paxil, I was so down, and my husband gave in, and let me have the car. But, why should I be in that situation? It makes me think, maybe I need to be away from him, maybe I need to find my own self reliance and forget about the "WE" thing I mean, really, forget about it outside of saying I will call you and talk to you but I won't be there for you and I am too busy with my own life and it's too bad you are in the situation you are in so, see you at the meeting (maybe, if you have a ride or if you can withstand taking buses since I don't understand what fibromyalgia disease is, and it's made up and you are mental". Where are the people who are suppose to set an example for the newcomer, who is the most important person????????? I guess I just didn't make it to the right meetings yet, I need to find other meetings where people are people and real and not phony and just talking the talk but not walking the walk. Yeah, that's what it is. 42 days clean. Who can I count on? Jesus, My Mom, My Husband (if he's in the right mood), my 2 christian friends that called me back today, and my online friends on mdjunction. [size=4][/size]
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OSun Posts: 426
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Chickie-before I go too far reading your post I want you to do me a favor if you can. Try AA. I've found (for some reason) people to be much more reliable there and better sobriety there. I've met fellow drug addicts there. my best friend has 10 years sobriety from heroin addiction through AA (not NA). Keep your options open. I think the NA text is fabulous and it is my bible. However, I only attend AA for some very good reasons. I am not putting down NA, it is a great program, and in some places it is a very strong group. It just sounds to me that you need to change meetings and open up more options. I have very dependable friends now in AA that have helped me through some very rough patches and are not too busy all the time to help a fellow addict/alcoholic. xo -Stacy
I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope
For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; there is yet faith
But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting.
Wait without thought, for you are not yet ready for thought:
So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.
-T.S. Eliot |
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OSun Posts: 426
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You are doing so well through all of this. I am so sorry about your unfortunate experience with these NA people. I've also found in sobriety that some people can talk the talk really well, but can't walk the walk. It took me a long time to find women friends that were reliable and trustworthy. Really, try AA and go to a few NA meetings for straight addict discussion. I don't attend NA and I am a sober heroin/drug addict. It is more dependable and safe for me. Don't give up Chickie, you've come really far. Your home situation seems very rough. I've heard a lot of women talk about their husband's jealousy over their recovery. You're not alone. Just concentrate on you and do what you have to do. I see that you're doing just that. Stay on this path. If we lived closer, I'd help you out a great deal-I have a lot of free time! I know that doesn't help you, but I can't help but wish I could be more of a help than just writing this reply and it frustrates me. Keep your chin up and stay strong. You're doing great! Just try AA; there are more AA meetings around anyway. Just have patience; you have to weed through the dependable ones and the irresponsible ones. Try women that have a lot of time and have been there awhile. Listen to what they have to say; there may be women that have health conditions just like your that understand. xo -Stacy
I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope
For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; there is yet faith
But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting.
Wait without thought, for you are not yet ready for thought:
So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.
-T.S. Eliot |
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Chickie Posts: 37
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Thank you so much, Staci! This means so much to me. I know we have talked about going to AA before and I really am going to give that a try. Right now I am having a pretty bad asthma related problem, which makes me have to use a nebulizer and stay indoors until I can get myself a little stronger. I did find that there is an AA meeting within walking distance to my home, so that is like an answer to prayer! Thank you so much for help and your postings. They are so, so, very helpful to me. I appreciate your ESH and you very much. God bless you ! Love, Chickie  [/img] |
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rediscoveringme Posts: 663
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I am sorry that the people that you counted on weren't there for you. And I am sorry to say I can't fully relate with the fibrmyalgia or with NA but I can say that as someone whose helping a family member with almost the same problems you have to have someone to rely on. Thos eyou care about should make things hard for you to make you get the help is hwat I am told. But I just can't be cold hearted. If you are making an effort and have done all of these things then they should have recoognized that and said Damn it I am proud of you. You're doing a great job and lets find a way to make this happen so it can stay that way. WHen you care about someone your supposed to love them in all times. Not just the good times. Especially when they are being hard on themselves and trying to do better. Well My dear Chickie I am proud of you. 42 days is an accomplishment and you made it through a difficult time. ANd you're right these days its rare to find people who will go that extra mile. And I am truely sorry for those who dont see how good your doing. In th elong run its their loss because it seems their missing out on a good person. It often takes a breathe at a time to get through a day, next step a moment then an hour then hours then a day at a time..point is baby steps lead to big recoveries just gotta start taken them:) |
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Chickie Posts: 37
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Thank you Rediscoveringme! You have truly encouraged me. I don't know what the point is to what is going on, but I have called my sponsor now for 5 days in a row and she has yet to return my calls. I am presently having problems with my asthma and upper respiratory breathing so I haven't really been able to do much. I am just taking it one day at a time and realizing that more and more each day that is the way it is suppose to be. God bless you today whereever you need it the most. Hugs, Chickie Post edited by: Chickie, at: 09/23/2008 11:15 Post edited by: Chickie, at: 09/23/2008 11:22 |
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Chickie Posts: 37
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I was trying to add this picture to my post, but each time I was unsuccessful, so, I am going to try it again, only because it reminds me of my dog, Bella. She is 6 years old and is 13 inches and my best friend! She is sooo smart and these pups look just like her!  Well, in the preview, it doesn't show, but that doesn't mean it won't, so, here goes, we'll see if it comes up, if not, I give up! Just get this picture in your mind of a cute little beagle, sweet as could be, that God has given me to help me through my days to remember to look up to Him. |
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