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03/07/2012 02:49 PM

Why Did This Happen To Me? Sound Familiar?

MissAmor
Posts: 4
New Member

Hi everyone...I'm Amor...Just like each one of you...I asked myself that same question over and over again. No matter what I did, it was never enough. Even after getting my lip busted from a Head Butt to the mouth...I still questioned what did I do to cause it?

We are here because we understand in order to get help, we have to reach out. I am only one day from having left an abusive relationship (for the umpteenth time) but this time, I have the strength to put my worth and well being above having a man. From the outside, no one could tell what was going on inside my home. I knew how to cover the bruises and scars and how to put up fronts. All that did was perpetuate the violence.

It took me finding a poem or "rap" that my 12 year old son wrote to really open my eyes to the pain that was not only inflicted on me, but someone I love above all else...my child. His pain was silent. So I didnt hear him. And that ate me alive. I couldnt hear him over the constant screaming and fighting and crazy voices in my head telling me that One Day...this abusive man will see me for who I really am.

That will never happen. I am tired of being a victim and creating innocent victims. I want to rise above the archaic belief that men are supposed to dominate and be in control.

I still cant believe this man, who supposedly loved me, blamed my miscarriage last summer on me "being on facebook too much"...nah, it wasnt the constant fighting and abuse...of course not. That would mean he had faults. And I allowed him to isolate me from almost everyone who cared about me.

But I'm here now...as we all are...and I only want one thing....my life back. Pleased to meet all of you...and looking forward to reading your incredible stories of survival.

Amor.

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03/07/2012 03:00 PM
mem7205

MissAmor,I am glad you found the strength and courage to leave your abusive relationship.You deserve better for your life and so does your son.Children know so much more than we think they do.They are always profoundly effected by abuse.Even if we think we are protecting them.Leaving is a day by day process.It means that everyday you get up and resolve anew that just for that day you are going to love yourself and your child enough to build a life free from abuse.You CAN do it!I believe in you.I suggest you click on "General & support" and make a safety plan and take the mosaic threat accessment test.You can find the links to do this with black push pins in them.

HUGS.Lanna

Post edited by: Lanna, at: 03/07/2012 03:01 PM


03/07/2012 03:10 PM
MissAmor
Posts: 4
New Member

Thank you!! Glad to be here. In a moment of clarity, I realized the ONLY reason I stayed with that guy is because I didnt want to see him find somebody else and treat HER the way he should have been treating ME. That would only PROVE that it was ME with the problem, right? WRONG. None of us deserved it. I spent 6 months trying to get pregnant again after losing my baby this past summer, just to have SOMETHING to make living in that hell worth it. But I believe in a higher power and I believe it works in mysterious ways. No way should an infant have been subjected to any of that.

If only I had put as much energy into loving myself as I did into trying to make him love me the right way...oh well. I'm ready to move forward and regain my power and freedom again. To actually live a meaningful life.


03/07/2012 04:24 PM
maryandjimmie
maryandjimmie  
Posts: 1849
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Miss Amor,

Welcome to the group, im so sorry you went through the abuse. Reading your post sounded so much like me. I was in a violent marriage for a long time where I was beat with anything he could get his hands on and I do mean anything I can even remember my head busted open by him beating me with frozen ribs from the fridge. I was punched, kicked, stabbed and in the end when I finally had enough and was ready to leave I made the mistake in telling him I was leaving. I went to sleep and awoke with him saying he was gonna kill me he beat me with a medal pipe full of cement. I am now in a wheel chair permanently disabled due to that beating. People asked me why I stayed and was he always like that but I tell him he was so nice in the begining and treated me so good he was a dream come true I soon found out that he wasnt my dream but my nightmare. He first started out with yelling and then came the slaps till it progressed to more. I tried to leave many times but he would always find me and then I would hear he was so sorry and it would never happen again and wow did he act so sincere but that lasted only for a short time then the beatings started all over again. We had two beautiful kids together and I wanted them to have their dad but I didnt want them to see the abuse it wasnt fair to them. Now they are grown and tell me how much what they did see affected them that really hurts but I always remember that I loved them and me enough to leave and for them to see that no one should tolerate abuse. I will say even though im in pain daily and in a wheel chair I am so greatful to be out of that relationship and feel so blessed to have my children. My kids say they are proud of me for leaving and working and going to college to support them even though they only had me thats okay to because im their mom and dad and i would rather them have one parent then to witness what abuse. I know leaving is hard but what helped me is to remember what I went through and to take time out for me and my kids to have that special time. Im here if you ever want to talk.

mary


03/07/2012 06:02 PM
MissAmor
Posts: 4
New Member

Mary,

That is terrible. I am truly proud of you for being a soldier and getting out when you did. Why you stayed is not as important as why you left. I was only in my relationship for a year and the red flags started right away with him trying to change everything about me. It was like I was some kind of experiment...he was trying to build the perfect woman for himself instead of accepting me for who I was. Nothing was ever good enough. and I realized that nothing would ever be.

Fortunately, we never had any children together although I almost did, twice. Both ending in the loss of the children. It hurt me badly but I understand that it was an act of God, that God didnt want me tied to this man for any reason.

When I first got with him, I was a strong outgoing professional women, independent, I have 3 college degrees including an MBA, I was a single mother raising two kids, I had a good job, I had an online radio podcast that had a pretty large fan base - music is my passion and has been my salvation on MANY nights when I needed an escape from my intolerable world, and little by little, he took it away from me. I stopped doing my show because he felt like he was "competing" with the computer....I stopped being in contact with my friends and was accused of being a lesbian because my females friends would call me. God forbid any male friends called...I was a prostitute.

His abuse was primarily emotional/psychological....he constantly told me how much better his child;s mother was than me...from her looks down to her career...I was told I was stupid for wanting to go to church. I was called the B word so much, it didnt even bother me anymore...and then it got physical. I will be honest...I threw the first blow....after he antagonized me about a posting on my facebook page. I was so angry....that I slapped him. and from then...he felt he had the right to hit me since "i started it." He yelled at me constantly...went days and days at a time without talking to me...with held any type of affection, terrorized me by putting me down...I didnt even get on the computer anymore for fear of being called names...he just broke me down..or tried to. But my strong will often resulted in me being hit or roughed up...and according to him...It was my fault.

Just two weeks ago...he hit me in my face and I still think i have a fractured nose....it still hurts badly...I never went to the doctor. Again...it was my fault for "talking crazy to him" when all I was doing was defending my character against his constant insults and berating.

I really am glad to have met you and I hope this is the beginning of a long time support system. I am here for you too, Mary.


03/07/2012 06:02 PM
magillihan
magillihan  
Posts: 8
New Member

welcome to the group! your story sounds oh so familiar. you are not alone here. you ever want to talk , i am only 2 months out of my relationship, and i know its not that easy. props to you for being strong and finally standing up for yourself. you are moving in the right direction!

03/07/2012 06:14 PM
MissAmor
Posts: 4
New Member

Hi...I think I am in the abuse hangover phase...I was so overwhelmed and now that I have peace...its all crashing in on me. Not in a bad way...Im just seeing things for what they really were. I'm very jumpy right now...everytime I hear a car door I get up and run to the window...its hard. Ive been crying alot because Im seeing all the aftermath. I see how much damage has been done. Kind of like after a tornado rips through and you go outside and see the wreckage. Fortunately, I was never dependent on him for anything. I always worked, I had my own place, vehicle, all that...so Im not at a loss for anything in that way...I just want my peace of mind back. Walking on eggshells for so long, I want to remember what it feels like to just WALK. With my head up...Proud. Meeting you ladies is exactly what I needed. Its nice to know when you feel so alone that your not. Smile
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