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11/19/2011 04:33 AM

The Hidden Abuse

breezymom
Posts: 14
New Member

I left--before the abuse became physical. Sometimes I regret leaving so early. Why? Because the psychological abuse that I endured, and still endure, is virtually invisible. Now our child has to endure the same abuse... alone. I cannot protect her from here and he torments me when she is not in my care, but his, with vague threats of kidnapping, with bouts of mental instabilities. They are all public, but he is cunning and knows how to hide his intentions. It's just part of his charming personality.

When I was in the relationship, of course, things began wonderfully. He knew just how to be my best friend. He knew how to be (or seem) empathetic with everything I was going through. When I became pregnant, shortly thereafter, things began to change--quickly.

I couldn't talk to or see my friends and family. I couldn't tell them I was pregnant. If I spoke with them or not, he demanded I was and I was telling them every little detail of our relationship. If I wasn't, he would say, they had our phones tapped and our houses bugged. With the stress and pregnancy, I also began having issues at work to the point where I was having nightmares. But, to him, these weren't nightmares: They were "sexual fantasies" about the person at work.

My mother didn't like him, he would say, because she had a sexual attraction to him that was causing friction. Things were overtly sexual to him, even to the point where he demanded his eldest was being sexually abused in her home; to the point where he finally guilted me into having sex two weeks, if that, after giving birth. Not only did he guilt me into it, but he was so rough he pushed the stitches back through the skin, causing infection and pain that still lingers since nothing healed correctly.

It was during the pregnancy that he was making plans for the mother of his other child. He would plant (or have someone else plant) drugs in her car and tip off the police so he could gain custody of the child. He devised a plan where he would take a coworker of his, who was on her death bed, with him to the woman's house, with a gun, and have the coworker shoot and kill the woman. No one would be held responsible, he would say, because his coworker was going to die, anyway, and he would result with custody of the child. And, after all, there were so many places that he pointed out, where homicides could easily be disguised as suicides.

When I finally got the gall to leave, I never thought twice about it. I had a training at work on work place and domestic violence. When the video we watched virtually starred him, right down to the suicide threats, I had made up my mind. I was terrified, but all I could think of was our child who was so young and vulnerable. I had other signs before, as well. One of the major deciding factors was a friend's mother telling me we could both lose custody of our child if I stayed, since I was putting her in danger. When I had told him this, his reply was, "Whoever told you that has a fine line of professionality and can suck my d***!" It was quite obvious, at that point, his concern was not about the child or me. It was him and only him.

Now, two years after I have left, we are stuck in the system. He continues to fool most (though not all, finally), and play the system like a child's video game. He knows all the tricks of the trade and is so cunning at his game and so proud of it. When I disrupt his game, he explodes. The explosions worry me, but I can't worry. I have to get a little girl excited to go to Daddy's house. I get her so excited that she already, at such a young age, hides her emotions during the day. I pain at night when she wakes up from a nightmare screaming, "Daddy out there! Gonna get me!" and there is nothing I can do to soothe her. All I can do, because of the way he can play the system and because the psychological abuse is such an invisible one, is teach her how to keep hiding her emotions like her mother, so there is no doubt that I still try to encourage her relationship with her father. So he doesn't gain the control through custody to abuse her full-time. So, at least I can try, I can undo as much as possible, of the same fears he instills in her.

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11/19/2011 09:02 AM
maryandjimmie
maryandjimmie  
Posts: 1849
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Breezymom,

I am so sorry what you went through and what you and your daughter continue to go through. Is there a way of taking your daughter to counseling? At least that way she can get some help and it could be on record of what she is going through and maybe that way you can visitation on supervised. It might also help if you talked to someone also that way everything is on record. I had to do that when I had to go to battle with my childrens father. Hope it helps im also here if you ever want to talk.

Hugs Mary


11/19/2011 09:11 AM
breezymom
Posts: 14
New Member

Thanks, Mary. I actually have begun taking her to a counselor. She is still very young, so it is mainly used to find ways I can help her deal with things such as the nightmares and the complete reversal in potty training. My own therapist and I are at odds trying to figure out ways to co-parent with her dad since he will only agree to whatever fits his own agenda which we have yet to figure out. We aren't totally sure he even has figured out his own agenda--just that it doesn't focus on either child.

11/19/2011 04:35 PM
livinginablender
livinginablender  
Posts: 13303
Group Leader

mom

please have the court order psychological testing for this little girl.

you also, need to petition the court and ask that a lawyer be appointed to protect the child.

been here

done this

worked

well


11/19/2011 05:59 PM
breezymom
Posts: 14
New Member

She's far too young, still, for testing. She's only 2. I don't know how much more I can take...and I only mean that in the sense that I am stressed to the max and can't stop crying. He still continues to isolate me more and more from my family and friends...because THEY can't take any more...so I have to hide it all. Yes, I can talk to my therapist. Yes, I can talk/type in support groups. It doesn't change the fact that I feel so utterly alone.

I feel torn between wishing I'd never met him and thankful I did: ONLY because I wouldn't have the same smart, beautiful little girl in the other room. I love her so deeply that I could never express to her how I feel. And that's why I still allow him to control things...so that I can at least attempt to coparent and give the child some stability. So I can undo, and be ready to undo in the future, whatever abuse he puts her through.

How do I know he has and will? Because I know HIM. I also know that because she is so young, he THINKS she can't possibly understand much of what he says. He doesn't even know our little girl, thinking that way. I can tell there are things she is fearful of that, while she may not understand in the depth that an adult does, she understands more than he thinks. How? Firstly, because I am her mother. And secondly because she is the same smiley little girl during the day, while at night she cowers in a corner or under her easel, won't let me touch her, and screams frantically. I've only ONCE gotten her to speak briefly about it in the day time when I asked her, "Booboo...what had you *so* upset last night and made you cry," to which she simply replied, "Daddy gonna hurt me."

So, either she is scarily in tune with my hidden feelings or she is hiding many herself.


11/20/2011 08:18 AM
livinginablender
livinginablender  
Posts: 13303
Group Leader

Two years old

there is a method called play therapy.

A trained professional can spot signs of stress trauma and abuse in various play situations.

She knows the score.

They are little sponges.

Is there a possibility that you can move more than two tanks of gas away from this guy ?

That would help reduce contact.


11/20/2011 09:08 AM
breezymom
Posts: 14
New Member

Unfortunately, I would need permission from the court because that would put us out of county and it will make me look like the bad guy for creating distance that could affect visitation. There hasn't been any provable change in circumstances for the child and my line of work is extremely difficult to find. I'm lucky to have a half-time position, honestly, while many are being laid off. We just have to continue to wait and be patient. At least I have gotten contact down to mostly written, which somewhat reduces the tension, although honestly, I can hear him saying things as I read them because I have enough contact to remember his voice.

11/20/2011 12:05 PM
maryandjimmie
maryandjimmie  
Posts: 1849
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

I am so sorry for what you are going through I can so much relate to you reading your post is like reading my life. I can still hear my exs voice and hear him say things he did to me and said to me the say I was beat. I am just so greatful that he said if he couldnt have me he didnt want his kids. He hasnt seen them since my son was 1 and daughter was 3 they are now 29 and 26. I know what you are saying about jobs hard to find my husband has been out of work for two yrs and cant find a job even at mcdonalds and he has tried. He cant get unemployment due to him quiting his job to move to cali to take care of me so we are living off my 840 a month on disability and its so hard my electric wheelchair broke and now i cant even get around since that is the only means of transportation I have. I think you are such a strong mom for standing strong to protect your daughter never forget that. You will do anything to protect her and for that you should be proud and keep your head up high. I know you feel alone I did also but just know we are all here for you. You can also pm me if you ever need to talk, vent, cry or just a shoulder to lean on.

Hugs Mary

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