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03/06/2012 09:39 PM

Provoked violence... Please help...

Posts: 3
New Member

Im currently engaged to a man who I'm suppose to marry in 4 months. The past 4 months we have been fighting a lot lately. I need some serious advice on what I need to do regarding this situation.

We fight about the stupidest and pettiest things. Somebody has a bad tone of voice, or somebody says something the wrong way. It's just all very stupid. Anyways. When he asks for space after a silly argument, I can't seem to back off. I feel the need to keep talking to see what I can do to work it out. But all it does is start an even bigger problem. Then he starts to yell very loudly. So I cover his mouth to stop, and then it gets physical between us. I feel like I provoke the violence, because I just won't back off. I know he shouldn't lay a hand on me, ever, but what should I do about this? He said he was trained by his father to stick up for himself, so if he feels pushed into a corner, he will fight back. But there are times I do hit him first.

We both have enlisted in therapy because it's definitely necessary to ever be successful in this relationship. I just can't believe it even got to this point. It hurts a lot. Will he ever loose him temper on his own?

Please advice....


03/06/2012 09:59 PM
Posts: 1849
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate


Welcome to the group, first I want to say you are right no one has a right to put their hands on you. If I were you I would rethink the marriage. My ex husband started with the yelling then the slaps and puncning. The final beating was with a medal pipe full of cement. He tried to kill me I am now in a wheelchair due to the beating. Im here if you ever want to talk.


03/06/2012 10:19 PM
Posts: 3
New Member

My fiancé never ever starts the violence. I usually do. He never hits me first. It's just that I get so aggravated with him, when he wants to take some time to cool off after an arguement. It really shouldn't even be an issue. I just can't seem to back off and give him space. I need things fixed at that very minute. I provoke him a lot. I got out of a bad relationship before him. My ex was very emotionally and verbally abusive. So I think my defenses won't let me push any of my feelings to the side. It needs to be my way, and nobody elses. He would never just lay a finger on me out of the blue.

I think the serious problems lie n me. But I'm just worried because I don't want him to allow this fighting to keep going.

Why do I need to provoke him? Why can't just leave him be?

It's just so confusing...

03/07/2012 03:24 AM

Tricia2912,Whenever I hear a woman say the phrase "I provoked him" it leads me to believe that she is being badly abused and is simply defending herself.That's right self-defense.This is because the vast majority of abusers blame their victims by using just that phrase "I was only violent because she provoked me."I absolutely DESPISE the word "Provoke."There is no such thing!Repeat that to yourself."There is no such thing as my provoking him to get physical with me."I cannot stress that enough.Should you be covering his mouth during an argument?No.Should you ever get physical with him.No.Is there EVER ANY excuse for a man to become physical with a woman.NO!!!!I do not care if you got up in his face and were screaming bloody murder.I do not care if you came at him with fists flying.THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR A MAN TO HIT A WOMAN.EVER.This is because men are usually considerably bigger and stronger physically than women.The proper response for him is to turn his back and leave when you get out of control.Period.THIS MAN SHOULD NOT GET PHYSICAL WITH YOU.THE FACT THAT HE IS OKAY DOING THAT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE DOES NOT BODE WELL FOR YOU OR THE RELATIONSHIP AT ALL.

You should NOT marry this man in four months.Maybe not even in four years.You are not anywhere near ready.I am not even sure you are near ready to be in another relationship yet.You need to deal with and heal the wounds of the abuse you suffered in your previous relationship.If you don't you are just going to contaminate the relationship you are in and it will be a nightmare for both of you.You need to get into counseling solo.On your own with a therapist who is experienced working with abuse victims.You need to talk about your feelings of anger and frustration and helplessness and self-loathing.You need to work through those emotions.Because they are obviously all there below the surface for you.You need to do this for as long as it takes.And ONLY resume a relationship with this man when your therapist thinks you are ready.

Get a copy of the book "Why does he do that?Inside the minds of angry controlling men."by Lundy Bancroft.It is available at most libraries,bookstores and at


Post edited by: Lanna, at: 03/07/2012 03:25 AM

03/07/2012 08:54 AM
Posts: 3
New Member

Thanks for your input Lanna

I'm not looking to make excuses for him. When I say provoke, I just don't know how to stop. When we argue, he calmly asks me to stop talking, and go into another room to calm down. I don't. I sit there and constantly badger him until he is absolutely furious. Then he gets up and tries to leave, and I steal his keys so he can't get back in, or I try to stop him from leaving. I grab his coat or shirt until it starts to choke him, and then if I feel like hitting him in the head, or slap his face, I do. Then he pushes me, or sometimes he will hold my head to stop me from lashing out at him. So yes I do cause problems until it leads to me getting violent. He then protects himself. He has never punched me, or scratched me, or purposely bruises me. I'm just very aggravated with him, that I will do whatever I need to, get his attention.

I never have been a violent person until I now. My last ex was very verbally abusive, and now I just won't take any crap from anybody. I really think I'm suffering from the reprocussions of the last relationship into this one.

I made an appt to see my therapist, because I know I need it.

We have a therapy appt together tonight with a therapist that is going to work with him

I hope this helps us because we very well need it.

03/07/2012 02:11 PM

Hi, Tricia. I think I understand what you mean by “provoking violence”. It's the same for me, only the roles are reversed. I am the one that needs space when things get heated, especially after being in an abusive relationship before. My husband needs to “talk” things through immediately and try to resolve things, but ends up yelling and pushing me away even further. This in turn makes him angrier and then things turn violent.

I do agree that marrying him is not a good idea right now, simply because it makes things more complicated if things do get any worse (which sadly is quite possible.) I hear couple counseling isn't recommended in situations like these, so attending counseling separate is probably a better idea.

03/07/2012 06:11 PM
Posts: 8
New Member

i understand what you say when you say "you provoke." i felt like i did the same thing. the problem was, was that not everyone dealt with problems the same way i did. I like to talk things out and settle them at that moment, it took me a while to realize that not everyone wants to solve problems that way and we are all very different. i would sit and say "lets just talk, we can get over this, please talk to me," i would follow him into the other room and ask him to just "talk for 5 mins" but what he wanted was to be left alone, i didnt see that. i wanted it my way. and there was no compromising with him, he wanted things his way or the highway. we each wanted what we werent getting, which led to the verbal and physical violence. ive only been gone 2 months, but it feels like forever. i still miss him and all but i remind myself every day i did nothing to deserve the violence, he should have respected me enough not to touch me, but then i think i should have respected him enough to walk away at the time. so here i am, and here you are. if you ever wanna talk i am around. my one piece of advice before i go........Do not marry this guy in 4months.

03/09/2012 02:14 AM

There is no such thing as "provoking" someone to be violent towards you.There is ALWAYS a different choice they could have made other than to become abusive.They could always have walked away.They could end the relationship.They could descalate.Being abusive is a choice.It is a choice made because abusers have a low opinion of women and view them as objects.They feel entitled to hurt you.Men are physically stronger than women.I do not care what you did or said in an argument.There is no such thing as "provoking" someone to hurt you.He hurt you because he chose to do so.


03/18/2012 04:47 PM
Posts: 2
New Member

I think the difference between u getting violent and him gettin violent is simple. When u get violent towards him he CAN potect himself. When he gets violent towards u u CANT protect yourself. He is not scared for his physical safety you are. It is not a fair fight. A good man knows these simple facts and therefor would walk away. Would you physically react to someone smaller than you that u know u could beat?????????/

03/22/2012 07:06 AM
Posts: 37

I think he's hooking you into going over the line. Next time he says something that really angers you, check yourself. Alanon can help clear your head of the doublespeak that goes on in abusive relationships, or give the local shelter a call and ask them. The important thing for you is to be safe, which I'm sad to say, you're not right now. Combative relationships do not end well, my dear. Good luck and I'll be thinking of you.

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