Heyy guys,
This is my first time joining an abuse/domestic violence forum.. I'm just sick of getting hurt and need some advice since I cant go to anyone else it seems like. But here is my story..
I've been in this relationship with this guy for almost 2 years now. I'm head over heels for him. How he feels lately, is totally up to him. When we first started dating, oh my god everything was AMAZING. I thought I caught the best guy I could find. My parents LOVED him.. Theyve NEVER loved any of the guys I brought home in the past. But that soon changed as soon as he started showing his true colors. We would go on dates and one time I caught him on my phone checking who I was talking to, doing so when I went to the restroom at the movies. First red flag.. Then I caught him texting and talking to some of his ex's or girls that he has had 1 nighters with. 2nd red flag.. But no I gave him chances cause at that point I loved him, and was living with him. Weve had 1 major break up but that only lasted a month because he called me asking me back, telling me how things will get better if I come back, cause he loved me "with all his heart" and was "miserable" without me by his side sleeping at night. His family history involves alcholism and verbal abuse. Just recently, 4-5 months ago, he started turning his aggression into physical nature. Slapping me, choking me, punching the s**t out of my buttocks and thighs, whipping me with hangers in the buttocks and back. LEaving nasty and embarrassing bruises I could not cover up. Always leaving finger marks from gripping my arm so tight. One time he strangled me so bad that I saw dots, blackness and later my lips turned blueish/purple, even AFTER the fight, they stayed that way for 2 weeks. Having to wear lipstick to cover the lack of blood flow. I even started getting blood spots around my eyes and neck as a form of brusing from him holding my neck so tight. I had to purchase heavier makeup to cover everything. He has even busted my lip open from squeezing my jaw so tight due to the fact I wouldnt look at him during the physical part of the fight.. Having me pinned down, or if i would fight him on trying to pin me down, he would trip me from behind so I would fall. One time he slammed my whole body down onto the ground causing me to hit my head extra hard.. making me woozy and incompetent for the next couple of days..
I have no self esteem, he has told me how my gutt hangs out and how I shouldnt eat or snack sometimes so ill lose the extra lbs. Telling me I should tan due to the fact I'm very fair complected. Getting upset or frustrated that I didnt dress up for him by the time he gets home from work. Asking me to get plastic surgery for breast augmentation cause my breasts are tiny.. And last but not least (when we did at the time) he recently NEVER had sex with me facing him anymore. He was "not attracted to my pubic region". Never kissed me anymore, never holds my hand.. And lately he had just told me (even though I have spoken to my physician and gyno) that he is "scared to have sex with me".. Ive been recently diagnosed with the famous viral infection that eventually causes cervical cancer.. You guessed it.. HPV. And since I have found out and explained to him what was going on he was helpful at first, but now is distant more than ever!
He jokingly told me that he can have a "loving" relationship with me but have sex somewhere else since I'm infected. It hurt me pretty bad to hear that.. Causing me to be paranoid. But these past two days have been completely awful! 
He was doing better about the physical abuse aspect due to us not having fights.. But tonight. I was bawling my eyes out due to the stress im currently under about my condition. Instead of being sweet and caring about trying to comfort me, he gets pissed off and tells me to stop cause I'm keeping him up. (Another thing).. He does this thing where hell let the dog sleep on the bed with us, mind you we have a KING size bed, and the dog is a full size black lab, the dog hogs the bed, sending him to my side with no room to move. Granted I get no sleep. so I ask my boyfriend to scoot over slightly. He goes completely bolistic and shoves the dog off telling me "F*CK YOU, you have no consideration that I need my sleep." I get up to go into the other room to gather my thoughts, im in the bathroom trying to put m contacts in cause I know I wont be able to sleep the rest of the night. (It's 1 am right now) he comes in there takes the door, and slams it shut all because of the light from the bathroom, it was shining on him (I wasnt doing that on purpose fyi) I open the door asking him please stop. Comes back in puts his hands around my throat completely and squeezes to the point where not only can I not obviously breathe but I cant see either. I dont want to hit him to make him stop cause that has never worked in the past.
He finally lets go, I start bawling even more. He raises his fist to me saying "Are you happy?! I'm up now!! You got what you wanted!" I say leave me alone, he slams the door once more and goes to bed. Obviously I have no clue what to do, I cant and dont want to go to my parents.. Ive tried going to his but his mother is in the same predicament with his dad (alcoholic) but Im not sure if his dad has ever hit his mom..
She NEVER gives me any advice.. Which is frustrating. Its like she doesnt care. Shed rather see her son hurting me physically and emotionally, then see him behind bars, again. (oh yeahh you guessed it.. he has a domestic violence record!)
I'm tired of everything, I'm physically and emotionally drained.. I wish I could just be numb and walk away with no pain or having that guilt feeling like everything was my fault..
If someone is awake at the moment and would take the time to talk and discuss how I should handle it. As in should I try to salvage and talk it out with him or should I throw in the towel and say "forget it!" :/
Please help!
Sincerely,
LostBrunette
