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04/21/2012 11:45 AM

How is your SO about your D&M?

centerseeker
centerseeker  
Posts: 2851
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I'm an Advocate

I am a Disorganized and Messy that is trying to improve. That's why I am here! Things had gotten pretty bad around here as I struggle with both bipolar and ADD/ADHD and frankly just plain not having a good system. Plus I have a three year old and if I have had a low mood or am not functioning well and I have a good window of energy or mojo or whatever you might call it I tend to use it for him.

My husband has been, for want of a better term, quite a jerk about the house. He doesn't even give me any credit for the improvements I have made. He wants to see the house made perfect and stay perfect all at once.

Yeah. I'd like that too.

I am bipolar. Before meds I would have manic cleaning sessions where I stayed up all hours of the night returning the house from the chaos it had become when I was depressed to a sparkly June Cleaver house. Well, I can't do that anymore. Believe me. I've tried. There isn't enough coffee in the world to fuel up to that state.

Sorry. I guess I am venting. I have spent hours cleaning this morning and he had the nerve to get mad at me for taking breaks when I am not done. Don't worry, I stood my ground about taking a break whenever I wanted to. Besides I am not doing this for him. I'm doing it for me. He has made me so mad if this was about him I wouldn't lift a finger.

I should probably not even hit submit on this. Maybe it's too personal but it feels good to get it out! Does anyone else have a signigant other who makes them feel small or inadequate for not being Mr or Mrs Clean, even though you are working on it?

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04/21/2012 12:46 PM
damselndistress
damselndistressPosts: 17408
VIP Member

No it's okay vent away.

A couple things i don't think they realize how much work and energy it takes and this seems to be somewhat of a problem with society.

I have 3 boys i somehow would like to make a difference,

One maybe i am by not doing everything for them-ex they some times get their own food drinks or snacks.

They have to pitch in some.

By not waiting on them hand and foot and letting them help maybe then they won't have unrealisric expectations when they find a wife or partner or whoever they end up with that then perpetuate this problem. And i do think it is a problem.

Okay i overheard maybe 5 years ago or more an old man in the doctor's office.

His wife had died and he remarried at a late age.Evidently his wife did it all bless her heart probably wore her out stressed her out who knows, but i got the impression his late wife kept a clean house,

He commented his new wife did clean but not like the first wife she enjoyed spending her time doing other things too so she invited him to pick up the difference and he did but his comment was wow he didn't realize what all was involved.

How much there was to do...how much time it took. And we're talking an elderly couple without the three year old.

Also good Friday husband decided everyone would clean.

On these days i can pretty much help or not.

The everyone is himself, 13, 10, 7, and 5 year old.

Well they cleaned for an hour or more and husband announced wow they hadn't yet barely put a dent in it and they had been cleaning all morning. I thought uh huh!

I have not divulged all my cleaning horrors yet but when my kids were about 7, 5, and 2 i was working and it was all i could do to care for feed the kids in the evenings. I would get maybe 5 hrs sleep if lucky work from 6:30 am to 3:00pm by the time after picking up kids and home it'd be 4 pm and i was shot.

I would sometimes get up at 3 or 4 am to try to clean up the clutter because my parents would be there for the kids to get off the bus and i had to pass their approval.

Well i did that in addition to cleaning my floors every week the bathrrom every week. Laundry and dishes daily no dishwasher then and they still totally blasted me and said children's services should take my children.

We did not live in filth. We did not have trash spread everywhere.

We lived in too small of a house with only 2 closets and had tons of stuff.

No where to put it.

It was a living nightmare.

If they were going to come to that conclusion at least i should have tried to get my sleep.

Why did i get up at 3 am to try to please them.

It infuriates me.

So these issues we often do not have support from others.

We stayed with my parents last summer i was so so sick and my mom could not keep up either.

She cried because she couldn't do it and was nasty towards us

Would totally lose it rage call us names.

She couldn't do it either but..... Where was her compassion for my situation?

I don't know if I've ever been hurt so much by anything as i have these issues.

Because i do care.

I do try and always have.

Not sure i made any point here but i get it.

There were things from my childhood i did not want to repeat here.

I'd rather love my kids and invest in them than have a sparkling clean house.

I agree they need structure and organization is healthy but it's hard when you're trying to do it alone and feel you lack resources or have limitation, believe me I get it.

Post edited by: damselndistress, at: 04/21/2012 12:56 PM


04/21/2012 09:00 PM
uplifted
upliftedPosts: 285
Member

That's a personal experience which I am sure most of us here share the same. I have the same thing with my mom. She has good intentions so I am never angry with her but I did explain her my problem and that I'm working hard to improve it. She still doesn't understand, if you are working on it, how come your room is still messy all the time? (well, that's when I visit her house. When she visits me its worse). They just don't get it and they never will. It can be not only annoying but also very discouraging and humiliating. Mostly, it makes you feel completely misunderstood and unappreciated. Degraded. Unvalued. Failure. You can't do nothing. You are a lost case, you are never gonna be 'normal like others'. You are a shame.

Well, not so fast. Remember, that it takes two to make one angry. Your husband can try all he wants to put you down or whatever it is. If you break the channel this will not get to you. I have long ago said good bye to expecting others to understand me about messy. Just like a born blind will not understand what blue means, so do they have no tools to understand what is chronic disorganized. I don't blame others because it is just understood that they expect a clean house and get annoyed by the mess.

I just don't appreciate your husband expecting you to do it all. In addition, I would expect a supportive and a caring partner to give you encouragement and support, not vise versa. So yes, you have all the right to feel the way you feel.

t I totally sympathize with you, but the sooner you learn to stop expecting sympathy from others, and the sooner you learn to stop believing what the tell you about yourself, the sooner you will start feeling 'clean' from your inside. What we want to do is put all our efforts on improving our habits and be less disorganized. Don't distract yourself from this goal and don't waste your energy on dealing with how others say or think. People will alway say or think about thi gs that you say or do, even if you sit all the home and sneeze. They will always have opinions and will always like or dislike whatever you do. You are your own just and you are in charge of what you do and why. Give yourself all the sympathy that you would like to get from others, plus you will get some more here, and that should give you the boost to continue working hard on your goals. I'm glaaaaaaad that you stood up for yourself when your husband was upset about your breaks. You are in a good place if that was your response. You recognize your rights and your weaknesses at the same time and you have respect for yourself! Way to go!

Leave your husband alone and do what you CAN do , Don't do what you CAN'T do.

Thanks for sharing with us your feelings.

HugsSmile you are the best!

Post edited by: uplifted, at: 04/21/2012 09:13 PM


04/22/2012 10:15 AM
centerseeker
centerseeker  
Posts: 2851
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Thank you Damselindistress and uplifted for your replies. It's good to see I am not alone and both of your responses were very comforting to me. He did apologize for being a jerk. I told him to try and be more patient. That I am working on it. I pointed out how the last few days our kitchen has stayed nice as an example of a small change I was working on and he commented he had noticed it was better.

Thanks for indulging me in my vent and sharing your own!

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