Hello Everyone:
I recently posted this message under Depression Support Group, but thought it might also be a good idea to post it here in "depression in the family".
I have been having problem navigating the website due to my depression which is affecting my concentration, so please bear with me. I will get this right.
Here goes:
<< This depression is an awful disease and it has impacted all areas of my life, my marriage, my friends, my family, my children, and my inability to work. I'm sure you can all add to this list.
Right now I have a particular problem (actually a long-standing one) with my older daughter, age 31, who lives outside of the home for many years now.
Though I tried to be a good mother to her and her younger sister, age 26, it seems like she is so distant from me.
I don't know where to begin, even. She hardly calls me (this means once a month), she limits our conversations, she has called from the car, put me on speakerphone, and other things that just upset me in the past and, not always, but sometimes I let her know that.
I don't think of myself as an overbearing mother, but
I finally called her last night (haven't heard in so long) and the conversation went the way it always does.
I said (stupidly), I haven't heard from you in so long, are you okay? She said, oh here we go again.
Can't you just call and say Hi, and how are things and have a regular conversation instead of going into why I never call enough (don't you know that makes me want to call even less). Then, I was on the verge of tears and I guess she heard it in my voice.
I guess she wants me to be a normal happy mom living a normal happy life and to make light conversation, and often I cannot do this. And I feel very bad about this fact, but the depression shows even through the phone.
She knows/has known since childhood that I suffer from depression. How severe it is, I don't think she understands, even though she is a licensed Psychologist. How's that for irony.
Anyway, I got tearful and told her that I am incapable of having a normal conversation because I am not normal; I am depressed and so forth. She said you always do this. Then I said, I have been there for you my whole life and I accept you for who you are. Why can't you accept me? Of course, this was the wrong thing to do again.
(I have to correct the above, there are times, when I call her and we do light talking; times when I sound good to her; times when she calls with her problems (like her relationship breakup), but those are all short-lived problems, while my problem is not.)
I then tried to steer the conversation into other things ... like how is your job ... etc., but it was clear to her that I was trying to fake it through held-back tears. And she was frustrated that I was "doing this again".
This has happened so many times now, that I am actually afraid of calling her and of picking up the phone when she calls. A couple of weeks ago, I sent an email telling her that I had not returned her call because I was not "feeling too well" and did not want to "stress" her out; that I would call when I was feeling better. She never replied to that email. I have to admit that I brought that email up and she could hardly remember it. I was hurt by that; did not say so. I feel awful about this. What do I do? My therapist says I deserve more than this. I don't know.
My other daughter is quite different. I can tell her I am down and that perhaps I should get off the phone, and she tells me she wants to talk to me anyway. I feel bad about that too, because maybe I am hurting her.
Please give me your thoughts. >>
Kate
