Depression in the family Support Group

It is painful to watch her go through those periods. Her husband told me he feels helpless and inadequate but is committed to her for life. I know how helpless and inadequate I feel but it has to be a lot worse for him.

I love her a lot too and would do anything to help if I could figure out what. It is hard not to take it personally when she gets grumpy and impatient and dismissive. Her heart is ginormous and she can be the most loving person ever.

I could use some advice on what to do to be a better friend and to handle it better when my friend gets into a deep depression. It helps to talk to her husband but we both feel guilty when we talk. Like we're going behind her back or something.

As far as handling her when she gets grumpy, impatient, etc...personally, that is when I leave them alone. You may want to talk to your friend when she is in a good mood about if there is anything she would like you to do during her down times. Her husband can also talk to her about this.

She sounds like she is trying really hard to do what she can to prevent the downs, however, she may want to reiterate to her doctor that the downs are still bad - it could be an adjustment in meds will help. Sometimes an additional med will help too. My daughter takes Cymbalta and after months we were finding she was still having a lot of down periods...so the doctor has added Wellbutrin, which is helping, but we are finding we have had to up that medication too (this is still a work in progress so to speak right now).

as for talking behind her back, you might want to look into NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness) and see if they have a support group in your area. If so, that would be maybe a good place to talk things out and get feedback from others about how to deal with this.

Hope some of the above helped a little. Keep us posted!

Thank you so much for your response. Both the acknowledgement and your suggestions do help. I will check with NAMI to see if there is some kind of support group here, or any other community resources.

My friend and I spent a week together in December. She had to travel close to where I live for work (she lives on the East Coast and I'm out West), and asked if I wanted to meet her there. I was excited that she wanted me to go too. I knew it was a work trip for her and that I would spend much of the time by myself but that was okay. She is very responsible to her job. She took time every night to have dinner with me before going back to the motel to work and talk to her family. She was short-tempered and impatient a lot of the time and wouldn't look at me. I know what it feels like to have too many priorities and not enough time or energy to serve them all. I kept reminding myself that she invited me there because she values me and know that she would have spent more time or more relaxed time with me if she'd been able to figure out how to do that.

I feel for her and know that she is carrying a big burden that is no one's fault. She takes Wellbutrin and sometimes has her dosage adjusted when she has a long down period. She's tried other prescriptions too but Wellbutrin seems to work the best. There's a history of depression in her family. Her son has inherited the depression too, and that weighs heavily on her heart. She's worked very hard to make a good life for her family and herself, but rarely has the energy to enjoy it. We all have our own stresses and causes of pain, but hers seem so unfair.

She's been shutting me out more and more and more, so the visit a few weeks ago was especially important to me. She's not intentionally doing it, but is often overwhelmed with all her responsibilities and doesn't have anything left over. That makes her seem callous or insensitive at times when I know that isn't it. It was a relief for you to say that you leave your people alone when they get grumpy and impatient. No matter how I reach out, it doesn't seem to matter and more often seems like I'm making a demand on her. Yet another demand on her.

I think the best I can do is be steady and reliable and always available when she needs me, even when I don't want to be. Sometimes that's hard because it hurts when she puts me off or tells me she doesn't have time for me right then. If that goes on a while, I tell her that's how it feels and that I don't like it.

I know that she loves me and that she values that I love her. It also makes me realize how important it is for me to find other outlets to express myself and vent, that other people are going through the same thing too.

--Robin

Ideans2 - the boyfriend situation is a tough one and I commend you for sticking things out this long. There should be some help thru the state he can get if he can't afford it on his own. You may want to check into that and then give the information to him. If he refuses to get help, well then you may have a decision to make on whether to stick it out with him or not.

Depression in others is a tough thing to handle...I'd like to keep hearing from both of you on how things are going.

Words are hard things to hear when they are mean, and its hard to forget. But even my teenager knows she needs to apologize and explain some when she gets mean or snappy with me. I've told her if she's in pain or in a depressed/anxiety state, she needs to let me know, else I'll think she's just being mean...she's learning But if someone like her can recognize it, a 44 year old man should be able to too.

Just my opinion

Welcome to the discussion, Angelface. Your question about how to help our depressed loved one get the help they need is a tough one. As Mamajo said, NAMI is a good place to start. Check their website to see what resources are available in your area. There are lots of support options for the person who is depressed as well as their family and friends. I’m trying to find a local F&F support group so that I have a place to get advice—and vent when I need to. Can you talk openly with your friend about his depression? That’s a big step forward if you can. Does he acknowledge that he has a problem? Sometimes people who are depressed feel as though they can deal with it by “bucking up” or just ignoring it. Or they stay in denial about it. They make things so much harder when they do that, and I don’t think they realize how hard it is on us. I think you have to decide whether it’s healthy for you to be there for him no matter what, and if so then make sure he knows that. The downside is that when he withdraws or acts out or whatever, you will probably bear the brunt of it. None of us are made of stone, and that stuff HURTS!!!

Mamajo, I like what your daughter’s psychiatrist said, though am not sure I agree. I believe in the idea of retraining the brain and helping the body find its own natural healing processes. I don’t know if that works for everyone though. My friend has been on antidepressants for over ten years. Every few years she has to have an adjustment made. When she runs out and doesn’t take them even for a few days, there is a marked change in her behavior. She’s resigned to having to take them the rest of her life, and as far as I know her doctor hasn’t said otherwise. She tried psychotherapy several times, but the problem is chemical.

We spent a day together a couple of months ago, and she was awful to be around. I don’t know what it felt like to be in her body that day, but it had to have been bad. We were at a fair at the time, and I ended up walking away from her for almost an hour. She was so negative that I couldn’t stand to be around her. I wasn’t far away and sometimes could see her, but she didn’t notice I was gone. I went back a while later, but we didn’t talk about it. Her mood changed after she drank a pepsi. She was still aloof and restless, but more pleasant to be around. She’s worn out all the time and doesn’t have energy to give back much. Other times, she’s the best friend anyone could want. It’s confusing.

It’s hard to talk to her about her depression. I like it when she tells me she’s feeling bad, though I usually don’t know what to say. I used to try and make suggestions, but she told me she doesn’t want me to try and fix it, just listen, so that’s what I do. I could never tell her to take deep breaths or that things aren’t as bad as they feel to her. She’s sensitive about it and hates to feel like people tell her what to do or make her feel babied. It’s hard to see her feel so bad, like there’s no pleasure in her life at all. She loves her family very much but it’s hard on them never to make her happy. All I’ve figured to do is be there at all times whether she needs me or not. To be rock solid and show love for her even when she’s difficult. It helps that she’s not mean or attacks at all. When she gets depressed, she sinks and sinks until she disappears and won’t respond when I reach out. I keep reaching out anyway and eventually she comes around. Not long after we became friends she thought I would ditch her when she got depressed. I never did and now she trusts me not to. I know that helps.

I don’t ask much from her when she’s hurting, but won’t lie to her when I hurt too. I also don’t hold back sharing the stuff in my life, good and bad. I don’t think it helps at all to expect her to be less of a friend. She says she likes that, doesn’t want to be babied.

Hang in there everyone. Our support is helping even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes. But don't let yourself be treated bad or not ask for what you need too.

Post edited by: robinoc, at: 03/04/2012 04:33 PM

Post edited by: robinoc, at: 03/04/2012 04:35 PM

What do we do? Love and support them Definitely easier said than done, especially when they pull away and don't want us around or want us to fix it, or want us to "fix it" and we can't (my daughter will say that to me sometimes - "fix me"...I just tell her I'm trying and won't give up).

I agree with Robin about whether the person we love admits they have a problem. If he does, at least you can talk to him about it when he is in a "good" place. Ask him what he wants you to do when he's down. Sometimes you listen, sometimes you can do nothing except leave them alone, and if he asks you to leave him alone, that's best...much better than the mean words he could be saying (which I think most of us have heard at one point and Robin is so right - they hurt!)

Robin - as for my daughters pdoc, she tells me she's gotten people off the meds after 20 years. Her theory is that the right meds in the right dose should be able to retrain the brain to make its own seratonin. I'm hoping she's right and eventually my youngest can get off the anti-depressants...time will tell I suppose. We're on our third pdoc in 4 years - the first diagnosed her with bi-polar type II as did the second...all the bi-polar meds were horrid and didn't work with her, this pdoc rediagnosed her with teenage depression and the meds worked lots better! But I think, like your friend, the body gets used to things, or in my daughters case she's still having the teenage hormone stuff and meds need to be switched up.

Good for you on being honest with your friend, they need to know we're human too and that the entire world does not revolve around them (hope that doesn't sound too mean).

Robin is so right tho - they really do appreciate it that we stick by them, even when they are not very nice to us or pull away. It's so hard to know how to deal, but we do the best we can.

And we come here and encourage each other.