CherylAnn
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That is so true - the waiting for the other shoe to drop syndrome. Because someone has been sick for the last almost 3.1/2 years - first mom and then dad. And with illness like that - so many ups and downs. especially cancer. First your hear the bad news. Then docs tell you they can operate and everything is going to be fine. Then they operate and find out its worse than they thought and they had to remove a whole bunch of extra stuff (like spleen and part of the liver and a bunch of lymph nodes) But hey, if she has chemo, everything will be fine. So you get your hopes pinned on that. Except my mom (who had stomach cancer) is only 90 pounds and now has no stomach. She ends up not being able to tolerate chemo. It makes her really ill. But, the docs say she should still have a couple of good years before symptoms return. Except that three months later, she collapes on the floor in agony and has to be rushed to hospital because the cancer has returned and its now in her liver. They give her 5 to 6 weeks. Meantime my dad is having more and more difficulty coping. We joked that he was suffering from widowers syndrome - my mom has spoiled him so much he doesn't even know how to make coffee. Except no one can teach him this, or to wash his clothes or to pay the bills. So now we have another problem. And the cycle starts all over again. He is hospitalized 5 months after mom dies, and misses his 75th birthday party. They think early stage alzheimers, it has led to him neglecting himself and his diabetes and blood pressure out of control. With some homecare he should be fine. Except hes not. He has congestive heart failure symptoms a few months later. Can barely make it up a set of stairs. His feet and ankles all swollen. So he goes in the hospital again, and has a pacemaker put in, but while hes there they realize he can't live on his own. This is barely a year after mom has passed. First they say he is extremely depressed and with the right meds he should be okay. He goes into an independant living facility. We sell the house for him, and clean it out - but hes still not right - he cant follow the most simple of instructions. It becomes clear pretty quickly that its not depression. And then it becomes clear that the alzheimers is much more advanced than we thought and its progressing pretty quickly. Pretty soon he has his licence taken away, and becomes totally incontinent. He just got out of the hospital, where hes been for the last 5 weeks. He was there because he was totally psychotic. Knows who he is, but that is about it. The docs say we are just treating symptoms now. He will never get his mind back, no matter how much they tweak his meds. They now think he has vascular dementia(mini strokes) and alzheimers. That is why the rapid progression. So in 3 years I have lost 2 parents. Also, an aunt, an uncle, a childhood friend and three cousins. There is no one left. And to top it off, my sister spend most of these last three years trying her utmost to upset everyone. She lurched from depression to mania to depression back to mania, wrecking havoc every step of the way. Because its not enough to have to deal with all the illness, we should also have to deal with her stuff too. So - yep - I am having a hard time relaxing. I am waiting constantly for the other shoe to drop. When will something good happen. My brother feels the same way. Finally we got a respite. My sister must be on a new med, because she has backed off and is being civil - even to the nursing home staff. My dad is stable, albeit in his own world. Then bro gets the news that his wifes grandmother has cancer, and is not expected to last the week. It never ends. I am at the point where really really small things make my day happy. There is so much big stuff going on that I am getting my happiness from really teeny things. Like they had something I like on the cafeteria menu at work. Or someone tells a funny joke. Or my daughter doesn't have to work tomorrow. So I actually get to sleep in, and not drive 40 km to take her to work on a Sunday. Maybe thats the way life is supposed to be. Maybe we are supposed to learn to appreciate the really small things. Hopefully there is some point to all this pain and suffering. In the meantime, I am trying to break this cycle of stress and depression. I am just praying for a good few months. I think I need some vacation time, but all my vacation for last few years have been used for family crisis (because I am in another province) so if we can manage a few good months, I can take some vacation for myself and have a break and try to get back on track. |
