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08/06/2009 02:07 PM

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HomeStarRunner
HomeStarRunnerPosts: 6
Member

Hi. I'm new to the group. You can call me HSR for short. I am depressed. I recently spent time in a psyche ward because I tried to commit suicide. I am out now and go to therapy twice a week and I'm medicated. I hate living like this. I became depressed when my wife told me that she had feelings for someone else and that she wanted a divorce. I have never been through a worse time in my life. I live 15 seconds at a time. I thank whatever higher power there is everytime I make it another 15 seconds. I have 3 children. I am no good to them in this state. I am alone and betrayed and hurt. Wave after wave after wave pulls me further out. I can't seem to find the surface and I desperately need to breathe. I'm not even sure I want to anymore. I just know this isn't how life is supposed to be and I don't have any fight left in me. I can't cry anymore, there is only a big empty pit in my gut. This is unbearable. I just want the pain to go away at whatever cost.
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08/06/2009 06:36 PM
mitzigirl
mitzigirl  
Posts: 14474
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

Hey HSR it is great to have you with us but I hate to hear of all your going through..

I can relate on the feelings of being betrayed and hurt and I surely can relate to the depression part..You will find many caring people here..Hang on with all you got to that higher power..sometimes we have to take things moment by moment..Right now I know you feel like this will never resolve but it will..

We are here for you..My name is Viv..and I am just a pm away..God Bless you and keep fighting I know you three childern love you dearly..We are here for you..Hugs!


08/06/2009 07:20 PM
HomeStarRunner
HomeStarRunnerPosts: 6
Member

I am leaving work soon. I'm thankful I've made it through another day I guess. I sometimes think if I'm lucky I will have a life ending accident while driving home to finish the job that I couldn't. The tears are already welling up as I think of that empty basement apartment that I call home now. I used to go home and peak in on my kids sleeping. I miss my family so much. I never thought my wife was the kind of person to have an affair. Thoughts of her are always running through my mind and even invade my sleep. I really can't take much more of this. It seems inevitable that I will have another stay at the psyche ward. I hate that place so much. I'm not sure if it's doing more harm than good. I pray that the pain will go away. I'd give anything for a break from it so I could catch my breath and get my bearings so that I could continue the fight. Living like this is not living at all.

08/06/2009 09:43 PM
Mishy
Mishy  
Posts: 338
Member

Hi HSR,

I'm sorry to hear about everything that you are going through. I hope you find the support that you need here on this site. Best of luck to you during this difficult time. I am always a PM away if you ever feel like you need to chat privately.

Peace,

Mishy


08/06/2009 09:49 PM
mitzigirl
mitzigirl  
Posts: 14474
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

HRS I am surely with you praying for this...I know this time has got to be so very hard..I also am a pm away anytime..God Bless you!

08/06/2009 10:34 PM
HomeStarRunner
HomeStarRunnerPosts: 6
Member

Still crying. I wish I could sleep. I've taken my meds already, but I'm still wide awake. How I wish I could be strong and get through this. Why do I suffer? What did I do to deserve this? I've been trying everything to take my mind off of this. Nothing is helping. I was on the phone with Samaritans suicide hotline for about an hour tonight. They must think I'm a real loser. I have the number programmed into my phone. It's #3 on speed dial. I'm pathetic and useless. I can't deal with this. I hope I can cry myself to sleep.

08/06/2009 10:47 PM
Mishy
Mishy  
Posts: 338
Member

I hope that you manage to fall asleep tonight too. I am here if you want to talk. Don't worry what other people think. You aren't a loser. Lots of people have felt like ending it before and especially with similar circumstances as you are going through. I don't think its unnatural to feel the way you feel when your life have been changed in the way that it has for you. I am hoping you pull through this. I am here for you HSR!!

Peace,

mishy


08/06/2009 10:50 PM
mitzigirl
mitzigirl  
Posts: 14474
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

HRS Your not a loser..We all need help at times...And it doesn't mean we have done anything to suffer in life...Trials come to the best of people..They truely do...

Your not alone we are here with you...Praying for you HSR...You did nothing wrong..Call them as many times as you need to..Write us as many times as you need too!!


08/07/2009 01:33 PM
Sylvia4648
Sylvia4648  
Posts: 5177
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Hi HSR, I am so sorry that you feel so depressed, but I truly understand a lot of what you're going thru. As you have, I have had a lot of loss in my life in the last few months, and I was actually planning my suicide until I found this group. I've made a number of new friends (even just talked to one on the phone for the first time) in just under a month.

It is important to know that losses, of whatever kind, need to be grieved. There is nothing wrong w/ crying; it's actually healthy. I hope that your therapist is able to help you.

I don't know what meds you are taking or how long you've been taking them, but antidepressants and other psychotropic drugs sometimes take a few weeks before they actually do what they're supposed to do. And no drug will take away the depression completely. I can't tolerate them, but many years ago, when I did tolerate one long enough for it to help, none of my problems changed, but I sure changed the way I looked at them - and that made them much easier to deal w/. All I can say, again, is I'm sorry and I understand a lot of what you're going thru.

I, too, am only a PM away. And since I'm mostly homebound, I'm on the computer a lot. If I don't answer a message right away, I do get to them all as quickly as I can.

Everything I have is crossed for you - fingers, toes, even my teddy bears arms.

Warm welcoming regards,

Sylvia

Post edited by: Sylvia4648, at: 08/07/2009 01:36 PM


08/07/2009 06:07 PM
HomeStarRunner
HomeStarRunnerPosts: 6
Member

Thank you all for the encouragement. I am trying so hard to hang on, but everyminute is a struggle. I am filled with anxiety. I don't eat, I don't sleep, I cry all the time, and I can't remember the last time I laughed. It seems like this is my only outlet. I have no one to talk to, no family that are near by. I have never felt so alone and hurt. I feel used up and betrayed.
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