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04/19/2009 03:36 PM

i give up on my life

yonsson
yonsson  
Posts: 9
Member

there's the way everyone else sees my life, the world.. then there's the way i see it.

i hate myself, my family life, my social life, and when i look in the mirror, i hate what i see. my appearance, i definitely hate, but i also see the other side of me, personality-wise. and i definitely see myself differently than everyone else, both ways. i just hate me, and my life.

everyone else makes me out to be some amazing person, inside and out, but all i see is horribleness. inside and out, i hate it, i don't understand how they think the opposite of me than i think of myself. and i wish i could see myself from their view, maybe i wouldn't feel as badly as i do about everything..

i just can't get past this. i've actually felt like this for so long, hoping that at first, my first boyfriend could make it go away, then my second boyfriend. then just my friends.. but when all failed, i resorted to inflicting selfinjury, because i hate myself so much. the way i see myself, i hate it so much, i want it to suffer. nothing has worked still, i still see myself the way i do, not the way others do, as much as i've tried. i have tried everything that i can think of,, clearly i didn't think of everything possible, but that's not my fault is it?

i've wanted this to change for ages now, but what else is there to change my views? this one guy.. i think he could help me. too bad he doesn't know this. too bad i can never tell him, for that would put our friendship at risk. i can't not be his friend.. i need him probably more than he knows, and we've developped an amazing friendship (from what i can tell) from my problems with mdd (major depressive disorder). but there is one thing i can't tell him.. the fact that he's one of the reasons i'm like this.. only recently ish though. granted, he is helping me so much, but i keep struggling, wondering if i should like him or not. he will never like me, i know for a fact he doesn't like anyone, and trust me i know he won't like me. i don't want to get hurt by him by liking him, then having him not like me back. i've repressed all feelings like that so i won't get hurt. so, i don't like him. i feel like he's the one guy i COULD like, but i know i don't, seeing as i've repressed all those feelings, so i couldn't even tell if i did. he doesn't like me, i know it, he's told people including his best friend he tells everything to (other than me) that he doesn't like me. i rather be just his friend and not with him, than not his friend at all.. and that's only recent events that have happened, with him.. the way things are with him are fine the way they are, admittedly i wouldn't mind it progressing, but like i said, rather be just his friend and not with him, than not his friend at all. i'm just so happy he's still my friend after everything i've told him, and how caring he's acting (though i doubt the sincerity sometimes..) i don't think he knows just how much i needed someone like him, and how much i still need him.

i've suffered with mdd for too long, and my psychiatrist is on vacation for another week, too. i don't know what to do about ANY of my problems! i already decided that i'm going to hurt myself to help. it WILL work. i'll make it work. because nothing else does.

Post edited by: yonsson, at: 04/19/2009 03:42 PM

Post edited by: yonsson, at: 04/19/2009 07:05 PM

Post edited by: yonsson, at: 04/19/2009 07:21 PM

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04/19/2009 03:49 PM
mitzigirl
mitzigirl  
Posts: 14088
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

Yonsson,

Welcome to our group here at MDJ..I am Viv one of the leaders here..My goodness what a powerful writing you have done..It was a poem when I got here and you have edited it and changed before I got this posted..

First of all no one is worth hurting yourself over and if you feel you will then you need to go get help and support before your thearpist comes back.

We are here to talk with and help support you and here for you to vent to but we are not trained to help if you feel you will hurt yourself..You will find alot of support here and people to talk with and I Pray that this will help you and you can get past this..Know we are here for you..You are not alone.

Post edited by: mitzigirl, at: 04/19/2009 03:51 PM


04/19/2009 03:58 PM
yonsson
yonsson  
Posts: 9
Member

just reading that calmed me down, but i don't know what else to do about him.. i feel like he's the only thing that can make me happy in this time, i've felt like that for a year, and i'm only fourteen.. and i've already been binge drinking one day because of him but my paretns found out and got me help, but they have no idea why i did it or anything, because i never had a close relationship with them so i can't tlel them anything, which is why i joined this. i just really need some alternatives, things i can do instead of binge drinking and cutting.. and to think, this is all caused by some guy, who is one of my best friends, who tells me everything, yet he doesn't know how strongly i feel towards him. i wish i didn'[t like him. i just feel there's no other way to be happy.

04/19/2009 05:56 PM
scooby

yonnson,

I like that nickname, sounds Norweigan sorta. If you wear wooden shoes, it would be a give-a-way.

Relationships for people like me and you are difficult. When I've been down and in a bad space, if I'm in a relationship with a person, I want to hold them so tight and with so much love they will never leave. I become dependent on them emotionally, and it's my nature to hook up with one romantic-based relationship and even hook up with one friend and stop looking for others.

Nobody is an island unto themselves. I hear that but still have my habits around people I care about. I've found that the better I feel about myself and the more I love me, the more love I have available for someone else. It sounds selfish, doesn't it? But it seems to work for me.

Because of an episode (I'm bipolar) I lost a relationship with a lady I love and loved very much. It seems the damage done to the relationship went too deep, but I'm like you in that I don't want the caring part of our relationship to end. We have stayed in touch over the internet (we live far apart) and that and telephone calls once in a while are helping heal the wound for me. The wounds in loving seem the deepest, hardest to heal.

When depressed, I isolate and avoid people. When I hate myself, I almost do it to the extreme. I hurt myself by drinking too much and totally not caring about myself in every way. I do not know why but hurting myself seemed to work for a time, got the self-hate to get worse (the attempt) and then to get better. Weird how I have to hit bottom before I realize there is an up.

People heal people, that's real love, too. I hope you can find a group of people or maybe a best friend to really be honest with. Your pdoc may be able to help you with medications that help when people self-harm, but you need to be honest with him so he knows how you feel and how to help you.

People help people, and you helped me by opening up where you're at and sharing it. The part of me that hurts in ways like you do is listening to you, and it understands some of what you are going through. People will say that you're young and don't really know feelings yet, but I know very well that isn't true. My 14th year was one of my all-time worst but it has gotten better.

Take gentle care of yourself, you're worth it.

rose

Post edited by: scooby, at: 04/19/2009 06:09 PM


04/19/2009 06:48 PM
yonsson
yonsson  
Posts: 9
Member

thank you, so much for that, it made me cry (in the good way)

it's nice to feel cared about, by complete strangers

we do have the same situaton, it seems, with relationships, but it has to get better some day doesn't it?

and yes, yonsson is swedish/scandinavian actually, my last name. it's really spelled jonsson but it's pronounced yonsson.

thankss again

Post edited by: yonsson, at: 04/19/2009 07:22 PM


04/19/2009 09:50 PM
saralaurie
saralaurie  
Posts: 1252
VIP Member

Yonsson

Scooby and Viv have given you give advice. I offer you love and compassion and a ear to listen when you need to talk. You are so young. You are too young to be hurting so. I know it is sometimes hard to talk to parents so keep venting here. I am so glad you found us. Much love to you, Sara


04/20/2009 05:36 PM
yonsson
yonsson  
Posts: 9
Member

Thank you, too, sara. I am so glad I found this site, I can vent here without worries of my schoolmates hearing about it, without fear of judgement. Thanks to all for being so understanding, and not judging.
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