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11/25/2011 10:13 PM

The "I'm still alive" high didn't last....

OkkiTokki
OkkiTokki  
Posts: 6
Member

Had a bad reaction after 2weeks of Zoloft (suspected serotonin syndrome) and attempted suicide by overdose. Was found the next day by my sister and taken to the hospital. Few days there, few days in a psych facility, and I was back in the "Real World" just happy as a clam to still be alive.

....now four weeks later, the high is gone. Not that I want to be dead....but I just want to get away from everyone and everything.

My depression is genetic, plagued me since age 13, and in all that time, my only real relief has been about 2 weeks from a medication that has never helped since. Currently I am on no medication.

I am one of those who internalizes my pain. If I am hurting, that is because I am crap. I am worthless junk, and I want to hurt myself both to validate my pain, and to punish myself for being such useless rubbish.

I hate and disgust myself.

No one else can see it...I come off as a pretty, smart, funny young girl with a positive attitude about life.

And I hate myself for not being on the inside what I am able to portray on the outside.

And I refuse to let anyone close enough to know what is really going on. I did once....and it scared me so much that I began to emotionally abuse him to make him go away. He wouldn't. He stuck around out of love, but I finally kicked him out of my life, hoping that I could better pretend to be a-okay if there was no one around who knew different.

I will hopefully be starting counciling again soon for the first time in years....I dearly hope it helps, but I'm not too confident in my ability to get better.

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11/26/2011 04:18 PM
Starbright81sjv
Starbright81sjv  
Posts: 152
Member

Hang in there! I know it's hard. Sometimes when our depression is bad it's easy to internalize our pain, but I have found that it does me better to just break down and cry or yell and scream and let the hurt out! I still have moments, and I struggle not to shut my husband out, but when I am feeling like I hate everything about myself it's hard not to! I just want you to know that it does get better! Try to enjoy the good times when depression isn't to bad and fight through the bad times! And remember you are amazing, smart and beautiful!

11/26/2011 11:21 PM
OkkiTokki
OkkiTokki  
Posts: 6
Member

It's just so...frustrating, because just when I am climbing back up again, stupid little things knock me down.

I had a fantastic day with a friend just wandering around a random town with my friend and taking some awesome pictures to remember the day. What happens when I get back? Computer deletes all the photos, dad yells at me for my rabbit being...a rabbit...and then decides that watching my every move on the computer is nice bonding time.

Again, I know this seems like sweating the small stuff. But it all builds, you know? Loosing my happy memories and feeling like an idiot for it, then my dad's crap on top of it.

I just want ONE happy day, you know? ONE 24-hour solid period in which nothing bad happens to upset me. Nothing throws me off. Just pleasantness.

Apparently this is too much to ask


11/27/2011 03:22 AM
Catfishes24
Catfishes24  
Posts: 1658
Senior Member

OkkiTokki - I don't know all the details and I am not going to preach about one day at a time to you right now. You are going through a lot right now. Just come here and talk to us. We don't judge.

As a person who recently thought all my photos were gone, too, a friend who is more computer literate than I am suggested a "system restore." With the instructions in the little help file on my computer, I was able to go back to a previous date and find that my pictures weren't lost after all. Immediately saved them to a memory stick AND a CD.

I can't say it will work and maybe you have already tried it, but it was the one thing in your post that I thought I could do to help, and I hope you take my suggestion in the spirit it was intended.

Please come back and talk to us. We're here to listen, and if possible, to help.

Gentle hugs - Cat


11/27/2011 02:22 PM
Peace4Rach
Peace4Rach  
Posts: 9116
VIP Member

Okki, I'm sorry for what you've gone through with your meds and recent attempted suicide. There are bad days yes, and they maybe more frequent then we'd have them be. But I've seen that it's more about how we react to them. Of course I've been the one to see the glass half empty so it's usually a struggle to combat those thoughts and feelings. Some I've seen will always see the bright side no matter what happens. I wish I were like that and know we need to find that way of thinking. Like really thinking about the good days even if they are few and far between. Keep those at the forefront of our minds to carry us through the bad days. Rachele

12/03/2011 07:59 PM
OkkiTokki
OkkiTokki  
Posts: 6
Member

I just hate how easy it is, when things are better, to get triggered back into negative and dark feelings. I can be totally confident and feeling good, and then a simple song reminds me of something in my past and I'm down in the dirt again.

Catfish--My dad was able to finally retrieve the pictures. So that was nice SmileThank you, it is the little things that CAN go right that help sometimes.


12/04/2011 04:04 AM
Catfishes24
Catfishes24  
Posts: 1658
Senior Member

Glad that the pictures were found. One tiny ray of sunshine - hang on to it!

12/05/2011 06:12 AM
Peace4Rach
Peace4Rach  
Posts: 9116
VIP Member

If certain things trigger the negative and dark thoughts and feelings of the past, then you may want to avoid them focus on things that make you feel positive. Then take up the past issues with a professional that maybe able to help you deal more effectively with them. Focusing too long on the negative and past makes you a victim to the past and you don't have to do that to yourself. You and your life is worth more than that. Rachele
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