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06/02/2011 08:09 AM

this is my story

katiesworld
Posts: 108
Member

Hi,

I just joined this group and I thought I would take some time to introduce myself and talk a little bit about who i am.

I've been chronically depressed for almost 5 years. and mildly depressed for a lot longer. i've attempted suicide more times than i can count and have been hospitalized at least 10 times for my depression. i first started feeling depressed when i was 14 years old. i was overwhelmed with school, dealing with physical abuse at home and feeling shitty in general. I hated my life and i couldn't find happiness in anything. that's when i started cutting. i loved the relief it gave me. finally i had an outlet for all my overwhelming feelings. i've been cutting now for just over 5 years. after i started cutting suicidal thoughts started to form. i became more and more obsessed with killing myself every day. i just wanted the pain to end. i had no emotional support at home and no one i could talk to about what was happening to me. i felt completely alone. about i year later i made my first serious suicide atttempt. i overdosed on my anti-depressants. i was rushed to hospital and spent the next 4 weeks in the psych ward undergoing a thorough assessment. they didn't know what was wrong. over the years i have been diagnosed with more things than i can count. the main diagnoses wavering between bipolar II and major depressive disorder. since that first suicide attempt i have attempted suicide many times with no success. the pain just didn't go away and honestly i am not sure it ever will. i have spent countless hours with therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, councellors, and every other type of mental health professional out there. nothing has cured me. i wonder why depression can't just heal in six weeks like a broken arm. wouldn't that be great? alas, that is not possible and i continue to suffer. nowadays though i suffer in a more internal way. i appear to be fine and happy and confident on the outside when really i am being torn apart by this incredible amount of pain on the inside. will things ever get better for me? who knows. maybe i will end up killing myself some day. i just don't really see another future for me.

Reply

06/02/2011 08:47 AM
mem9113

Katie,

I am so sorry after reading your story, it is very sad, after hearing sever suicide attempts and you are still here, that should be a sign that you have better things in your future. May I ask how old you are? I am sorry for all the abuse and all of the people that you have spoken with, even health care professionals couldn't make you feel better. You have come to the right place, we do have a lot of knowledgable people on our site and I just wanted to welcome you!


06/02/2011 01:04 PM
katiesworld
Posts: 108
Member

thanks for your reply. i am 18 years old. your support really means a lot to me.

06/02/2011 06:41 PM
mem9113

Katie are you done with school? Do you work? What would you like your plans for the future to be? maybe you could save up for an apartment with someone you trust? do you have anyone you can trust to move in somewhere with you? You deserve a chance at happiness and a good life and maybe if you get away from mom and sister for a while they will come to appreciate you for who you are, however you probably should'nt hang around them for any length of time because abusers will just keep abusing. You probably think that your life stinks so far but the best for you should be your future now that you are 18. Let yourself hope for the day when you can leave and dream of that. Good lucky Katie

06/02/2011 08:20 PM
Sylvia4648
Sylvia4648  
Posts: 5177
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Hi Katie and welcome to the group. I am sorry that you feel so awful. I had my first episode of depression when I was 3, so I do know some of what you're feeling. And frankly, being a teenager w/ raging hormones w/ depression on top is the pits. Can I guarantee that your life will get better? Sorry. Lost my chrystal ball. But I can tell you that the adolescent part of the misery will be gone before too long. Please keep up your meds, and if you're not seeing a counselor, find one? If you keep up w/ the meds and counseling, there's every chance that by the time your hormones settle your depression could be much better or even in remission. I had many times in my life when my depression was in remission for years, and we had no SSRI's back then.

As you know, depression is not curable, but many people do find the right combo of meds to put the symptoms into remission. You are so young, Sweetie, and I know it seems nothing will ever get better; I felt the same way. But had I gone along w/ my adolescent feelings, I wouldn't have had the wonderful times I had in my life when the depression was in remission.

At your age, every kid has problems. You feel like you're grown up, but still need your parents to keep you from living on the streets. The two feelings mix in your mind so that one day you want to crawl in your mommy's lap and be taken care of again. The next day you do not want anything to do w/ your family because you're back to feeling like you're grown up. Some form of that happens to almost every teen in the world. Just know that some of it will pass. Give yourself a chance at life. For all we know, since you are so young, they could come up w/ a cure, or w/ meds that work so much better than what's available now and have fewer side effects. But you won't know if you're not around to watch for these changes. Just in the last couple of months a new antidepressant has surfaced and been given FDA approval. It's not in any of the classifications we currently have, but it's supposed to work well w/ fewer side effects. I'm not sure of the name, but there is a thread on here where somebody asked if anybody had ever taken the med. If you can't find the thread, post again or send me a PM and I will find it for you. It might be something you can discuss w/ your doctor.

Part of your problem is common to anyone of any age who suffers depression. Nobody who has not experienced the disease can understand it. That makes things even more difficult. Others think we're faking, lazy, can choose to get better, and so many other things. If anybody gives me the snap out of it or choose to get better comment,I ask who on the face of the earth would CHOOSE to feel the way I do? As you do, I suffer from the mixed up chemicals in my brain that cause depression. I have an ilness and I'm not a nutcase. Unfortuantely I seriously react to almost every med on the market for any reason. I'd consider givine my left arm to be able to tolerate a med that made me feel better; but my system, undortunately, is not interested.

You now have us for support, Sweetie, and we understand because everyone in the group has depression. And we will not judge you. Please come back and let us know how you're doing. You really need a counselor of some sort to help w/the cutting. We've a number of cutters in the group, and they all thought they had control. Some needed transfusions and surgery, some are not here because they did die. Others had their stomachs pumped. You alerady know what it's like in a psych ward; do you really want to go back? I was in two illegally and would do anything I can to make sure I'm not there again. You may think you have control, but you do not. You might want to take a look at the Self Injury group here at MDJ. You can join as many groups you as you wish. There are no fees, just people who understand because they've been or are going thru the same thngs.

If you think you are going to take your life please call SOMEBODY first. If you have a doctor, trusted friend, an aunt, anybody you trust, call them. The National Suicide Hotline, w/ trained counselors answering the phones is 1-800-SUICIDE. There should be a list of hotlines on the first or second page of your phone book. Look thru that list. There will be something you can relate to. Also it seem that all states now have the 211 referral service. It's a free call and a free service. You tell them what you need, and they will, if possible, refer you to where you can find it. This line deals w/ just about anythng available in your state. In my state they have 'warm lines'. These are people who have the same problems as you and you can talk w/ them when you need to express yourself but don't feel that you need a hotline at the moment. And if you feel you are going to act on your feelings and have nobody else to call, don't forget about good ol' 911. If I am forgetting and you do have a counselor, call him or her. It's not that I didn't read your post; I have short term memory problems.

I wish you luck and hope that things begin to get better as you get older. Post whatever you want and we will respond and will not judge you. Please keep us informed of how you are doing. We care.

Warm welcoming wishes,

Sylvia

Post edited by: Sylvia4648, at: 06/02/2011 08:37 PM


06/02/2011 08:45 PM
Sylvia4648
Sylvia4648  
Posts: 5177
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

P.S. Katie, I am sorry. I just looked at your post again and you said you've seen every kind of therapist available and none helped. You said none cured you. You know there is no cure, but there are many things that can make you feel better. I went thru therapists like changing my underwear - every kind, as you did. The man who really helped me was an Episcopal priest w/ a degree in pastoral counseling. I am not Episcopalion. So you might want to call some churches in your area and ask if they have or can give you the name of any churchs that do have such programs. Religion does not matter. I just found the pastoral counselor was so much more helpful to me than any of the 'regular' types of therapists. The first day I asked if he was going to try to convert me. He said no and asked why. I told him I was pretty lousy at my own religion and probably wouldn't be any better at being Episcopalian. He laughted and that was the end of any religious discussion. Good luck in finding the right drugs and the right kind of counseling. BTW, I think it's pretty common for pastoral counselors to see people who cannot pay, as I couldn't for much of the time I saw 'my' priest.

Sylvia

Post edited by: Sylvia4648, at: 06/02/2011 09:01 PM


06/06/2011 07:22 PM
hurtmanreturned

Katie,

It was very hard for me to post a reply because I would have to re-live my old life of suicide and the no way out feeling it brings back horrible memories that I wounder why I every thought and tried that.......Im still cooping with these distressing thoughts.

I just wanted to write you because even though I thought THERE WAS NO WAY OUT EXCEPT DEATH I got better! I learned healthy ways to live Smile

Im so so sorry you are going through all this I did also when In the teens it's not fun what so ever and I praise you for fighting it's a problem non know what it's like that's why you feel alone but you are not! look at me I tried to KILL me! can I ask you a question a therapy question just to get you're mind working so you can understand how we feel about you? I've been asked this and it helps. "if you could end my life would you kill me? would you kill hurtmanreturned!? Isaac?" Im sure you're answer is no. Why????????? because you want me to live and fight! think about it you're worth it! Smile you're loved by so many people that want to help you fight like I did don't entertain that bad thought you are worth living Smile Okay? it scares me to think you're some-where and entertaining that thought of killing you-it really does!

p.s I did not mean to upset you or anyone, but sometimes you need a strong thought to let you know wow what am I thinking. So I don't want you to feel bad you did not upset me or hurt me and I don't mean to upset or hurt you or go against any rules just letting you know what helped me.

Pm me if you need help hugs and please don't do anything that would hurt you!

HUGS


06/06/2011 10:16 PM
ohfaithful

My Dearest Katy,

Listen to me, please listen to me. I was where you ARE one year and A HALF ago, so I can tell you that I feel your pain. Yes, I saw all the therapists, psychologists, etc., and NONE HELPED ME! I felt like a toxic person, like a worthless person, like everyone else was enjoying life but me and I JUST COULDN'T FIGURE IT OUT! Let me tell you that first, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT and while this statement may not be something everyone wants to hear, MOST OF THE PROFESSIONALS THAT YOU SAW ARE CLUELESS!

Depression is a MANIFESTATION of a TOXIC BODY, and those toxins are creating brain trauma because of the foods that we eat and the toxic substances that we come into contact with everyday! The liver is so overloaded with the toxins that the kidneys take over, AND STILL CANNOT GET RID OF THEM

I've had numerous suicide attempts, didn't want to live like that and felt like a failure, BUT WHEN I STARTED TO LOOK AT MY BODY AS A TEMPLE, and STOP BELIEVING WHAT THE MARKETERS were telling me about the foods and other substances I was using and changed my diet, changed my environment, and changed the people around me things started to slowly fall into place. Within six months of going organic and using all homemade natural products, from detergent to soaps to moisteriziers to shampoos, my life started to turn around. At the six month mark I HAD NO MORE DEPRESSION OR PSYCHOSIS and I HAD DEPRESSION ON AND OFF SINCE THE AGE OF 14, the onset of my cycle.

The thing is that MOST OF US HAVE SUBCLINICAL HYPOTHYROIDISM which means that the toxins MAKE OUR THYROIDS ineffective at functioning, EVEN THOUGH IT MAY NOT SHOW UP ON TESTING! The thing that helps, is KELP, not just a bottle of kelp, but BUY IT BY THE POUND and start taking it one teaspoon at a time! KELP IS SEAWEED and it contains all types of vitamins/minerals that the body needs and isn't getting from the things we caLL FOOD causing MALNUTRITION, kelp CLEANS THE LIVER OF THE TOXINS, but IT MUST BE TAKEN WITH A WEAK ACID, some form of juice for it to work best!

You can buy kelp by the pound for about $11.00 THAT WILL LAST FOR MONTHS versus a bottle of capsules for about $6.00 that only last for a short while since six capsules is a teaspoon! KELP IS FOOD, and I take between 6-9 tablespoons of it per day...various kinds...

Trust me when I tell you that you have to change your life in order to RECAPTURE YOUR MENTAL HEALTH, but at the end of the day, the life that will open up to you will be PRICELESS!

P.S KELP IS A FORM OF SEAWEED, A FOOD!!!PLEASE LOOK FOR FURTHER INFORMATION IN THE HOLISTIC FORUM. ADDIONALLY, IF YOU ARE UNDER AGE, PLEASE SPEAK WITH YOUR PARENTS ABOUT PICKING UP KELP AT THE HEALTH FOOD STORE!

Faith Wink

Post edited by: ohfaithful, at: 06/08/2011 12:03 AM


06/07/2011 10:35 AM
katiesworld
Posts: 108
Member

Isaac,

Thank you for your reply. Your story of how you were feeling really suicidal and then started to feel better gives me hope. It is so hard for me right now, but if you can do it i suppose i can too. I really liked the question you asked, "if you could end my life, would you kill me?". It made me think about how hard I am on myself when I would never treat someone else the way I treat myself. Thanks.


06/07/2011 06:15 PM
hurtmanreturned

you're welcome Katie! glad to help and yeah I KNOW YOU CAN! I,ll do everything I can to help you too! just pm me anytime!

Im glad you liked the thought provoking question it tells me you love others but like you said tend to be hard on yourself I tend to be hard on myself as well but all of us are are working together to get better, I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT!

Isaac

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