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lostgurl Posts: 404
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how do you help someone who wants nothing to do with you? my 23 yr old son lives with me and is suffering from undiagnosed depression. i recognize the signs, even if they weren't so blatant i could recognize them. he has a ton of problems right now. child support taking more than half his wages, no license because he got in an accident while driving with no insurance. has to pay $45000 before he can get his license back. we had to move back in with him to rescue him because utilities were about to get cut off and he would have been evicted. he is humiliated having to be driven around by friends. i know he is depressed. he keeps saying things like "i might as well drive anyway (he could get arrested), not like i have anything else to lose." and "why should i even try, i'll be paying off this debt for the rest of my life." he is even acting like he is going to blow off the 30 hrs of community service he has left. i don't know what else i can do for him. we are already paying the bills (and we are also in the poverty level), we can't afford to pay off his fine. i will be honest and say if it wasn't for the fact i come as a package with my hubby, son wouldn't give a crap where i was or what i did. even though he is my biological child not my hubby's. my son pretty much hates my guts, which i have learned to live with. but how do i help him if he won't listen to me. ******************************
The Lights of Our Hearts
written by lostgurl
dedicated to Chris Benson
Sept. 4, 1984 – Aug. 18, 2008
The lights of our hearts have dimmed today,
for with God's calling you went away.
The newest angel to sit by his side,
has brought to his eyes a gleam of pride.
But what of us whom you've left behind?
Within earthly chains we remain confined.
Rage, confusion, and despair whirl in rapid haste
from the brutal reality we are forced to face.
Seemingly trapped within an infinite void,
full of painful tears impossible to avoid.
To turn back time is our unwavering dream,
when our heartache is at its most extreme.
Nothing in the world could ever take the place
of your laugh, your smile, or your warm embrace.
But we must find a way to continue on,
to make a new life without our beloved son.
Through the darkest of tunnels we trod ahead,
regretting petty angers and I love you's unsaid.
I pray for the day we may find some solace.
Perhaps when we meet in God's great palace.
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JeffDavis2134 Posts: 142
Member
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Hey Lostgurl, One thing I can think of right off the bat since he has no reason to do anything else right at the moment and he will probably agree. If he doesn't and his conduct becomes more risky then you can always intervene by bakeracting him as a harm to himself. It is admitting himself to a psychic ward or detox if he uses. Even if it is not free a bakeract would get him somewhere and he's not going to pay off his debt anyway, so what the heck add a little more. Some hospitals are self supported and not only is it free but getting medications when you get out may be easier (mine are free up to $10 a bottle) Here's the phone # of the one I went to maybe they can direct you to one near you. Please at least call them so you can have it ready and in your stockepiles of "what do I do if he...?" 850-875-2422 or Main center 850-523-3289 www.apalacheecenter.org Love you, Jeff Davis " Don't you see what this means? We live by each other... for each other. Alone we can do so little, TOGETHER we can do SO MUCH! This is my message of HOPE and INSPIRATION to all mankind. "
--(Helen Keller [blind and deaf as a toddler to one of the first women college graduates from a demanding college.] with the loving help of her teacher.) |
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mamanordy
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No offense to your post, Jeff, but I think your suggestion is a bit radical at this time.. Lostgurl, I think that you should just stop being his enabler. Period. He is an adult, he knew he should have had insurance. He chose not to have it. He can work 2 jobs to support his kids if he has to, and earn a living and pay his own bills. You and your husband should just go back to your home and let your son find his way out of this mess himself. If you are always there to pick up the pieces he will never learn. He is playing you when he says things like I may as well drive, I have nothing else to lose, etc. Maybe find him some free or discounted mental health, just the phone number, give it to him and tell him to grow up. |
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lostgurl Posts: 404
Member
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he works 12 hrs a day already. but here they take more than half his wages for child support. which i can't understand because the mother does absolutely nothing but draw welfare. nothing wrong with her. she is violating the work first program and has been for the past 2 yrs yet the authorities just come after my son and not punish her for breaking the law. she has even drawn welfare and child support when she lives with others. she doesn't declare she is not paying full rent. that is part of why my son is so depressed. he feels the law picks and chooses and he is one of the few who suffer unfairly. which i understand. the part i know he doesn't really have a right to complain about is the driving. it was his choice to drive without insurance after he had already gotten a ticket for it. then he got in an accident, which wasn't his fault but because of no insurance it was made to be his fault. i just don't know what to do. i don't want him to go to jail. i don't want him to be depressed not just for his sake but for his son and the rest of the family. not making excuses for him just explaining more of what is going on ******************************
The Lights of Our Hearts
written by lostgurl
dedicated to Chris Benson
Sept. 4, 1984 – Aug. 18, 2008
The lights of our hearts have dimmed today,
for with God's calling you went away.
The newest angel to sit by his side,
has brought to his eyes a gleam of pride.
But what of us whom you've left behind?
Within earthly chains we remain confined.
Rage, confusion, and despair whirl in rapid haste
from the brutal reality we are forced to face.
Seemingly trapped within an infinite void,
full of painful tears impossible to avoid.
To turn back time is our unwavering dream,
when our heartache is at its most extreme.
Nothing in the world could ever take the place
of your laugh, your smile, or your warm embrace.
But we must find a way to continue on,
to make a new life without our beloved son.
Through the darkest of tunnels we trod ahead,
regretting petty angers and I love you's unsaid.
I pray for the day we may find some solace.
Perhaps when we meet in God's great palace. |
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mamanordy
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Then he needs to find a way to get some proof of her breaking the rules. And it has to be concrete proof. Why do they take so much out for just one child? Does he make a lot of money? I know this hurts you, I would be upset too if it was happening to my son. |
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mommyofsixFriend2U Posts: 971
Senior Member
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Hi lostgirl, Has he gone to the court and made a motion to have his child support reduced? He has alot of new outstanding debt and has lower income, he should be able to have it reduced.......Not that I want others to do this to get their child support reduced but he seems to be in a very difficult spot right now......I have 2 ex's that don't pay at all and I can't get the authorties to do anything. It is a big mess!  Since he is not rich....can he get counseling or therapy through social services? They can help with expenses. Sometimes we have to let them make their own mistakes and deal with the consequences of their negative behavior. I know it isn't easy to practice tough love, but it is sometimes necessary! For their own good! We have to let hem grow up. If he doesn't want anything to do with you, then why do you help? He will continue to walk on you if you don't let him deal with some of this himself. You can get information for him about depression and share it with him. You can't make him get help! I hope that things get better for you. Your friend,Chris I am not a doctor so everything I say is from my experience, my opinion, or advice from research I've done. You should always consult with your health care professional.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Yesterday is history...tomorrow is a mystery....today is a gift.... that's why it is called the present.
Your friend, Chris |
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ldw08  Posts: 6
Member
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I would just be there for him and keep encouraging him, sometimes actions speak louder then words. Don't give up on him. Previous discussions I participated in: I\'m new |
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lostgurl Posts: 404
Member
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no he doesn't make a lot of money. takes home $1000 after child support is taken out ******************************
The Lights of Our Hearts
written by lostgurl
dedicated to Chris Benson
Sept. 4, 1984 – Aug. 18, 2008
The lights of our hearts have dimmed today,
for with God's calling you went away.
The newest angel to sit by his side,
has brought to his eyes a gleam of pride.
But what of us whom you've left behind?
Within earthly chains we remain confined.
Rage, confusion, and despair whirl in rapid haste
from the brutal reality we are forced to face.
Seemingly trapped within an infinite void,
full of painful tears impossible to avoid.
To turn back time is our unwavering dream,
when our heartache is at its most extreme.
Nothing in the world could ever take the place
of your laugh, your smile, or your warm embrace.
But we must find a way to continue on,
to make a new life without our beloved son.
Through the darkest of tunnels we trod ahead,
regretting petty angers and I love you's unsaid.
I pray for the day we may find some solace.
Perhaps when we meet in God's great palace. |
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