OhLadyofAvalon
Posts: 22
New Member
Send a PM
Give a Hug
|
After having a wonderful morning, and feeling so good, I am now so confused I don't know if I could find my way out of a paper bag. I called my bf Steve this afternoon. He usually requests that I call him in the afternoon and evening. (After I put my kids to bed). I had talked in another post about how he had seemed distant with me. I would call and within 5 minutes he would want to hang up. I was sure it was the pain, there was no disputing that. (For those of you who may not know, he underwent a liver transplant on 3/31/08.) I had talked to him later about the distance I was feeling between us and he reassured me that he loved me and wanted to be with me, however he was in a lot of pain and not in the mood to talk. He has been discharged for the hospital but is now staying in a motel so he can be near if he should have problems. We live 2 1/2 hrs away from where he got his transplant. He will be there for about a month. I have also noticed that he appears more "distant/quiet" when his father is in the room with him. Anyway...just a little background. So, I called him today around noon and we were talking. He didn't say much, never started any conversations, just answered my questions and listened to me talk. I had told him several days ago that my ex husband was going to have the kids this weekend, so I'd be free to come either for the weekend and stay, or at least up for the day just to visit. He told me that he would love to see me, as it had already been too long since he saw me last, and he was joking that I wouldn't have to lean over the hospital bed railing to give him a kiss. Today when I called, I mentioned coming up. He didn't say much, though he started talking about all the pain he was in, how his dad was saying until Sunday, and then his mom was coming up. (Someone has to be with him at all times until he is stable enough to return home). I took the "not so subtle hint" and said..."well, I just won't come up this weekend. I'll see you when you are able to come home." To which he replied "whenever that may be!" He didn't express any regret over not seeing me, nor not knowing when he would get to see me again! He was very indifferent! My heart is breaking and I don't know what to think. I love him so much and he is always on my mind. I watch the clock and count down the hours until I can call and check on how he's doing. During my children's Spring Break I was up there 8 out of the 10 days they were with their dad! I was also there when he had his surgery! I sponge bathed him and took care of him. I'm feeling so hurt and betrayed. He made the comment to me that he hasn't been feeling like himself. When we hung up, I didn't tell him I loved him as I normally would waiting to see if he would say it. He didn't. I was the one who ended the call with only a goodbye. He told me he was going to lay down and try to feel better. Part of me feels as if I am being too overly sensitive and selfish. Worrying about my thoughts and feelings. Though another part of me feels very hurt and betrayed. His indifference about seeing me again devastated me. I have resolved that I am NOT going to call him tonight. I want to see if he calls me. Lately when I call, I feel as though I'm bothering him and he's just biding his time until he can tell me he has to go. (I will NOT push myself onto anyone!) Though last night when I called he told me "It's about time you called!" He's giving me mixed signals which drives me to the brink of distraction! I cannot STAND ambiguity! So I guess what I'm asking...Am I being a selfish/self centered B^TCH worried only about myself? Or does this sound as though he's distancing himself? Please give me your input as I don't know what to think and this is breaking my heart. Angela Post edited by: OhLadyofAvalon, at: 04/17/2008 19:09 |
Our very inner makings amplify unspoken words.Dwelling is part of who we are.Inside we have to tell ourselves every waking day,that if it's not said,it should have been.It is not a crime to speak of your thoughts and feelings with those you love.It is often the unspoken words that lead to complicated,messy emotions.Lady,you did right by fighting the negative assumptions,so many of us don't and it destroys relationships,and self.A hearty well done to you and to you both god speed and good luck .
"MDJunction to me is somewhere i feel safe i feel i can be myself and not be judged. I love the fact that i get to see that im not alone in what i am going through and i also get the chance to help others on their journey through guidance and communication.
