Depression Support Group

It's been over two years now since I've been able to work now. I've been turned down twice for disability despite my 5dxs (BP2, Depression, Agoraphobia, Social Anxiety and a recent relapse into Bulimia). I even have a good lawyer.

I'm fortunate enough to be eligible for free health care at the VA and I see a therapist regularly and a pdoc. I'm on meds as well. Problem is, no amount of meds or therapy can make the constant worry over my financial situation any better, and I'd venture to say that if the financial problems weren't there, I'd feel at least 100 times better.

I can't get ANY assistance from the state (food stamps, housing assistance, utility assistance, or any other kind of assistance available). Why? Because despite the fact I've had NO income for over two years, they consider my 401Ks and IRA "resources" so before I can get assistance, I have to cash them all out and cannot have over 2,000 in "liquid" cash. Every time I've tried to get help I hit a brick wall. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this before I "snap". I have suicidal thoughts EVERY day and if it comes down to me being on the verge of homelessness, there is no doubt inmy mind that I might act on these thoughts. It scares the living crap out of me. All of my so called "friend" have abandoned me, including my ex boyfriend who dumped me just because I was depressed.

Long story, but I ended up in NM (moved from MO) because of my Mom. I HATE it here with a passion. The constant heat and blinding sun agitates me and causes my manias to manifest themselves as RAGE and ANGER.

Up until I had a "meltdown" a little over two years ago, I was the most independent person anyone could have met. Now I have to rely on my Mom for things like help with buying groceries, co-signing my lease, etc. At one time we were best friends. Now all we do is butt heads. She knows I hate it here and get's irritated at my constant "whining" about how much it sucks so I try not to bring it up, although I'm done putting on a happy face and have just started saying how I really feel when she asks me how I'm doing. This morning's conversation went like this:

Mom: How are you doing?

Me: Crappy, almost threw up from the heat just walking to the dumpster

Mom: Well at least it's getting cooler, why don't you open your windows and put the fan in front of you?

Me: Why the f**k would I want to do that? it's almost a hundred degrees outside

I pretended to listen to her yammering about her neighbors, all the fun she had at "happy hour", etc, etc. I finally said, I have to go, haven't eaten all day.

Sorry about the long post, I just need to vent and would appreciate any support. I don't know what to do anymore but throw in the towel

We are here to help give you support and feel free to vent all you want to..Tell us all you want and we will share with you too...We have a lot of good people here..Blessings Be With You!

Leslie

It is nice to meet you. I know that you and a lot of people are dealing with financial issues now. And you are right, they certainly do add to depression. I have had my share of both, depression and financial issues. I wish I had the answers. It breaks my heart to hear about people suffering.

Have you seen a doctor about getting some help with the depression and angry issues? I know that it won't make everything go away but it can help you deal. I am presently on two different anti depressants. I also felt like I had hit bottom but somehow, I have been able to climb back out of the dark well. But like some of my other health issues, they cannot be cured, only treated.

It is good that you joined this group. It has helped me so much. I hope that we can make your day a little brighter.

Hugs, Pearl

It is nice to meet you.

You have certainly come to a great forum.

Everyone here is havingsomewhat similar problems.

Depression - sadness and anger - married in a perpetual battle. Sadness over what has occured and anger that we have not been able to do better.

Everyone here is suffering from a little of each.

Lately, it seems as if the anger has caused me so much more hurt, that I think I can begin to look it in the eye and say - no more anger. But, getting there has been a very difficult path.

Having financial issues is a terrible burden. I understand. I think that has been a problem for my entire life.

Welcome to the group.

I hope you are feeling better very soon, and I hopw your burdens will become successes to carry you foreward.

Love, Raoul

I also know what it's like to want to opt out. It's a constant battle for me also. I have been thru a lot in the last 15 years, and the last 9 months have been unbearable. I was ready to opt out, actually, when I found this group. Now there are people who understand where I'm coming from, do not judge, allow me to vent, ask questions, whatever I need at the mo.

Welcome and I hope the group can help you as much as it's helped me.

Warm, welcoming regards,

Sylvia

How long did it take for you to get SSD? I first applied on my own last July, got denied, then went to a lawyer and they denied my appeal. I'm now awaiting a hearing with an ALJ. I'm scared to death, both of the experience and if I get denied again. A lot of my anger stems from the fact that despite a good attorney, mountains of documentation from medical personnel, and the fact I can hardly leave my apt without severe anxiety, I couldn't get the first, or even second time. Supposedly my being under 50 and having a college education is working against me. WTF???

It really sucks that I'm having to use up all my savings and what little I had saved for retirement just to get by..

I'm also bipolar and have what my therapist calls an "anxious" type of depression. I've been on pretty much all the SSRIs and many years ago when I was "functioning" I had success with all of them except Prozac. Since I moved here to NM, the constant heat and blinding sun have caused my manias to manifest themselves as RAGE, ANGER, and IRRITABILITY. Many times I have THAT going on with the depression ("mixed state"). But ever since I had to quit working, I've been dealing mostly with the depression side of BP. I never go anywhere like the store unless it's dark outside. Once again, I turned down my Mom's invitation to go to some "Art in the Park" thing, but I can't deal with the blinding light. I am also part of the 1% of the population that has "reverse seasonal affective disorder", otherwise called Summer SAD. I didn't develop it unitl I moved her to NM (imagine that). This is NOT the kind of environment I need to be in. I should be up in the pacific NW or something. Of course I'm stuck in the "Land of Entrapment" for now because I have no job and have this disability thing going on. I do take meds. My pdoc prescribed me Lamictal which is supposed to take the edge of the ANGER but I don't think I've gotten up to a high enough dose yet (you have to slowly increase the dose since there is a rare possibility of it causing a serious rash, that can be deadly if not treated immediately). I'm also on Xanax PRN which I take when I have to go out anywhere in public. Unfortunately I cannot tolerate and antidepressants now, they just agitate me. Another reason I've been so depressed lately is from the 80+ lbs I gained on Seroquel in 5 months. Not good for a person with a history of eating disorders. I've been battling Bulimia for almost 30 years on and off, and that triggered me to start again. Another thing I'm working on with the therapist.

Anyway, thanks for the big WELCOME!

Leslie

You're right about the college ed and age going against SSD. It's kind of a slot or whatever... that with the background and time left to retirement that your education will place you somewhere in a job you can deal with even if it's fewer hours or less money. However, you can still work part time while you're in application and even after you are drawing. Is there such a thing as an all night gym? .... 6 to 12 hours a week as a lowly towel person or even a janitor would show how little or much that you could accomplish and maybe you could spend breaks beating up the equipment and releasing anger!!!

And oooh, I can see where the anger and frustration relate to the weight gain and aggravation with system. I HATE to gain weight. On my 5 foot frame 10 pounds is uncomfortable and anything over 15 really shoots my self esteem. It really is harder to take off as we age and med related gain is equally stubborn.

Depression just naturally goes with darkness. I have a hard time leaving the house and my sleep pattern crumbles into the daylight when I'm down. The last week or so I've been trying to force myself outside for 10 minutes at a time...actually set a timer! I know it will help if I can just keep it up.

Hang in and hang on.

Yours

T

My lawyer said the first ap and the first appeal are mostly pro forma unless you're going to die in a few months, are a quadraplegic, have end stage cancer - you get the idea. Also, do you have any physical disorders? When I applied on my own, the person taking the ap told me to leave off the depression 'cause it would just require more background and slow down my ap. My lawyer said she'd said that because she didn't want to be bothered w/ the paperwork she'd have to do if I added a mental problem to all my physical ones.

But his bottom line was that it helps to have mental and physical illnesses. And he did nothing but SSD and won 93% of his cases. Also his wife is a personal friend of my assemblywoman, and the assemblywoman called the lawyer and asked him to take my case. I think he would have anyway, and would have worked just as hard, but we all know that who you know never hurts. And I assume you know that the amount they get paid is set by law. So that was not affected by the call.

To answer your question, I'm not sure how long it actually took. It was about 10 years ago, and I've been depressed all that time; throw in some fibro fog, a renal failure that caused periods of amnesia, rarely going out (which makes time frames iffy at best) - you get the idea. However, I think it was about a year and a half.

But in case you don't know, when you do get approval the payments are retroactive to the first day you applied.

I don't think your degree is working against you; it's your age. I was about your age when I applied, and the lawyer said that the further you are from retirement age the more they scrutinize the ap. Oh, that's something else in favor of getting it on the first try - being really close to retirement age.

Sadly, I called that lawyer a few weeks ago to ask a question, and he had just died.

Anyway, I hope that's been of some help. If you have more questions, please feel free to send me a pm and I'll try to wrack my memory and help.

Good luck!

Sylvia

p.s. I, too, was livid that I had to use up all my savings and retirement money just to get by.