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03/08/2009 07:10 AM

Hopeless

jimgettingbetter
jimgettingbetter  
Posts: 14
Member

Hi group. This is my first post, so please bear with me. I am a 37 year old male. Like most of you, I have suffered with depression and anxiety since childhood. I have been to therapy numerous times for at least a year at a time. I have been on several medications as well. The problem is that nothing seems to work for me. I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, OCD, codependency, and perfectionism. I've always followed my therapists and doctors orders completely, but I still have no hope of ever getting better. I have also tried alcohol, God, support groups, relationships, material possessions, sex, and other worldly things, but I still have this underlying depression and anxiety. I have terrible self esteem and no self worth. I just don't know how to be happy. I wake up in the morning feeling hopeless and I go to bed at night with terrible anxiety about my future.

I grew up in a very dysfunctional home. My parents divorced when I was 5, and then I lived with my mother in a rural area. We were very poor and my mother struggled with untreated depression. I tried to do everything in my power to make her happy and help her financially. I started my first job at McDonald's in a nearby town at the age of 15. I tried going to college, but I've never been good with school and I also needed to devote more time working to be as self-supportive as possible. I flunked out of college after only one semester. About 12 years ago I moved to the nearest city and worked very hard to make a decent life. I worked at a company for almost eight years and moved up to making a great salary. I had a perfect personnel record with the company. I was never disciplined or written up for anything. I was fired in January because my boss told me that he was taking the company in a different direction. The most painful thing about losing my job was that my boss fired me instead of laying me off. I contemplated suicide, but I cannot put my mother through that type of unbearable pain. Every job that I thought about applying for requires a college degree. I beat myself up every waking moment for not having a college degree, but the ironic thing is that I do not want to get one. I do not like school and I cannot afford the tuition even if I wanted to go. I tried returning once and I did not do well. I was left with a student loan to repay. I recently accepted an entry-level job that I hate. I had to give up my apartment and rent a room from a stranger. I feel like a total failure. My life is going to a job that I hate and then being stuck in my bedroom when I get home.

My current situation has really worsened my depression and anxiety. I just don't know what to do with myself. I am totally miserable. I thought that I had a couple of friends, but they don't call anymore since I cannot afford to socialize with them at restaurants and bars. My family wants me to move back home to my rural hometown, but there are no career opportunities and I would have to live with very unhealthy people battling addictions. I just don't feel like anyone that I know understands what I am going through. I have no support system. I feel so alone in this horrible world.

Can anyone offer any advice or suggestions as to how to cope with life, even in my current situation? I feel like a total failure. I do not see any light at the end of the long tunnel that I am trapped in.

Thank you for reading my post. I appreciate the opportunity to get it all off of my chest. Thanks again. God bless you all.

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03/08/2009 07:33 AM
apieceofwork

Dizzy Dear Jim,

You have come to the right place for support! It has been a miracle for me to have found MDJ. You will make a lot of friends here who know what you're feeling and going through. Unfortunately, with the current economic situation, lots of people are losing their jobs. You may not have a degree but what you do have is experience. In my opinion, experience is more valuable than a degree. So, focus on what you know. What you have learned through experience. You may have to start at a lower pay but hopefully you'll find something that when proven your capabilities, can move up. DON'T GIVE UP HOPE! This is the time that you need to be feeling good and confident to find a job. The people interviewing you can see if you are depressed or insecure. Practice in the mirrow how you would handle yourself during an interview. Make eye contact, smile, be charming.

I have all the mental illnesses as you and I know it's tough...but use those things to your advantage rather than think of them as a hinderance. Perfectionism is a good quality to a potential employee. Let them know that you will be the best at what your job will entail.

Life is often tough and its easy to give up....but as you have probably heard, suiside is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It will get better. Have faith in God and in your own abilities. Lean on us here to help you find some avenues to release your stress. Try to exercise. Take brisk walks. That always helps me. Watch a commedy to make you laugh. Laughter is the best medicine.

Just know that we are here for you in anyway we can help! You've had a difficult life but you overcame it once, and you will again! Have faith in yourself! Work on your confidence! You will land on your feet!

Are you taking any medications? There are places you can go for free psyciatric help. Look into that if you haven't already.

Keep posting and if you want to talk one on one, feel free to PM me...you will see under my picture..."sent a PM"...that's how you communicate with someone through what is like an email! Ask for friendships here. People that you can relate to. Who's stories are similar to yours. The more friends you make, the more support you will get. And what I have learned, when I receive support, it gives me the ability to support others as well and that does a lot for your self-esteem! We all help each other. It's a system that really works. I don't know if this is helping at all, but if you gain anything at all from my reply, know that you have a friend in me! Wink

Hugs,

Camey


03/08/2009 10:31 AM
jimgettingbetter
jimgettingbetter  
Posts: 14
Member

Thank you Camey for reaching out to me. I do not have many in my life that will take the time to listen to me. My family members are all struggling with addictions. It is comforting to know that you and others will listen and offer support. God bless you.

03/08/2009 02:42 PM
scooby

Jim,

I read your message. You have an 8-year record of solid employment; that should be a plus for you in seeking work.

I guess you could seek psychiatric help if you feel you need to. Do you feel it could help you with what you have outlined? Being economically challenged might be a problem, but it can be done.

This is a difficult time to find employment. Having an alternate plan may be helpful. Many don't have a Plan B.

You sound like an okay guy who has many feelings that others experience. It is great you found us. You may get helpful suggestions, and it will be good for us to see you work through your challenges.

Intuition tells me you will.


03/08/2009 03:32 PM
mitzigirl
mitzigirl  
Posts: 14115
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

Jim,

It is great having you here with our group..I know this is a hard time for you and believe me I know about hard times..Also I understand not having the family support and friends not coming around when you dont have the finaces to do anything anymore..I have gone through this with family and friends and have become very lonely in the process...In Nov. the night before Thanksgiving I stumble onto MDJ and my life has not been the same since..In the beginning I came here wanting support and was so down and out now I come to give support..Of course I am not saying I dont need support at times now but I so have it from all my friends here and I enjoy giving it to others.

I am no longer able to work at 48 am on disability and that is really hard..I know it is hard on you the way your job did you and let you go without any lay off or anything just let you go...Then having to work somewhere you dont like and live in a room in a house with strangers has to be bad..but try to think at least right now you have a job and while working there keep looking for somewhere you will get on at that will make you happy and that you can move up to a position you will once again enjoy..Then maybe you can start to put back some and get out and in your own place..It is so hard when you feel depressed and see no way out kinda there myself right now just a different situation but know God is still in control and tomorrow will be a new day with a chance for things to get better and better..

Hang in there and let us know what we can do to help..Keep posting and if you need to talk off the board feel free to pm me anytime and I will get back to you..Welcome to our group..We are pleased to meet you our friend.

Post edited by: mitzigirl, at: 03/08/2009 15:34


03/09/2009 07:22 AM
KittyCatGirl
KittyCatGirl  
Posts: 30
Member

Hi Jim...

I can certainly empathize with you about the job and living condition issues... I, because of my health, can not hold a full time job, and so must rely on living with other family members who are also single. Believe me, it is not an ideal situation.

I can only offer hopes and prayers up for you that perhaps in time (hopefully soon) you shall be able to find a job that you like, that will enable you to have a proper apartment, and afford to go out, at least once in a while. Often, the lack of being able to afford to socialize, can make things seem even more bleak.

Is there perhaps a free social club you could join? Sometimes even just getting out for coffee, and chatting with other people can help... (just a thought)

Welcome and take care...


03/09/2009 08:40 PM
jimgettingbetter
jimgettingbetter  
Posts: 14
Member

Thank you KittyCatGirl for your warm email. It's comforting knowing that others are coping with similar situations. I hope that your health situation improves. You are very kind.

03/10/2009 08:00 PM
Mishy
Mishy  
Posts: 338
Member

Thank you for sharing with us. I am sorry to hear about your current situation. But I am sure given some time things will change and you can start looking up again. I think some really great advice and encouragement has been given already, I haven't much more to add. I just want to say Welcome to the group and look forward to getting to know you!

Peace,

MishyCool

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